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[xxlizziexx]

Okay. So. It won't be too long until I have to face my doctor, again. Normally it is the most akward thing ever, and all I do is blabber. And I have no idea what I am talking about and yeah. So I was considering writing a really long letter and having him read it, so I didn't forget anything I wanted to say. But I have yet to decide if that is

Comments

[sourblaze]

Rest all day so I can muster energy if somebody needs my help. Fight with a friend or family member? I am there for you. Car broke down and need to be drive to work? I'll be right there. Pass out on the bus and call me at 8 AM to be taken to the hospital? Roll out of bed, I'm racing down the street.

Yet I feel that I am never good enough.

For some reason, you are staking your whole self-worth on how much you try to help others.

A burden to others, is that what I am? The question plays over and over in my head, and I fear facing the answer. Many years ago I told myself to stay around knowing that maybe some would be hurt and I could not bear causing pain to others. What if the negatives of me being here outweighs any positive I can bring to others?

Everyone needs a support structure to fall onto when they feel down and out. That's just normal healthy human nature, yet for some reason you feel massive guilt about it.

And yet, strangely enough, you aren't much of a burden to anyone, I can imagine. You haven't said things like, "I did something horrible: etc., etc., etc." or, "I know why I feel guilty all the time, it's because of this/that/the other thing." You aren't letting out whatever it is precisely that gets to you. You've stated many times here what your feelings are, but never whatever it is that led to those feelings. Perhaps you have suppressed it?

I know that imperfections are part of being human, but I cannot help but expect the best from myself.

Why is that? You haven't said.

I'm not saying you're a bad person or done anything wrong, don't misunderstand. But the fact is, something is driving these feelings, and you haven't explained what it is (maybe that will require some soul searching?).

I want to tear at my skin knowing that speaking my thoughts is attention-seeking.

Like I said, something seems suppressed, and it needs to come out. That's not "attention-seeking," not in the same sense you're thinking. Maybe the best way to confront these thoughts is to speak them. You need to let out whatever it is that gets you this much. It isn't "evil," or bad, rather it's healthy.

People can say things to me in hopes of changing my mind, but I cannot succumb to the lies. Honesty with myself is all that I have left. Surrounded by dishonest people, one can never learn to trust others. Trust in oneself is the only thing I have. And I know what I think about myself is the truth.

Do not confuse "honesty" with maintaining negative views or unrealistic expectations of yourself.

*hugs* Somehow, I think you'll be OK in the end.

[sourblaze]

P.S. Don't be afraid to send me an e-mail (it's on my user info page) if you want privacy.