(no subject)
It has been so long since I have written anything... I should start up. I am continuing my education at the University of Illinois.
I had written this about 2 and a half months ago, and I really would like to share it with someone...
If you are reading this, then that means my plan was finally successful. I love each and every one of you, and that is the reason I had to do this. I am completely empty, hollow, and lifeless. My inability to feel denies me the capability of easing all your pains. Listening and helping others are the only things in this world that gave me any meaning. My eyes are so lifeless now that I can no longer serve all of you.
The only thing I am now capable of doing is dragging you down with me. I could never do that. Please know that this decision was not encouraged or anyone's fault. I have been on three different medications. I have tried talking through things. I have tried writing my thoughts down in order to get rid of them. All of these attempts have proved time and time again that all is hopeless. No matter how much I try and fix things, I will always be stuck with myself. If somehow I could enter a room and leave myself at the door, maybe things would be different. I can tell you all now that things are much better, I finally found the strength to give myself relief.
I always try to please everyone. Friends, family, neighbors, people that have incredibly hurt me, hell, even people I have never spoken to. I hope you can all find peace in knowing that I finally decided to do something in order to please myself. Although some of you may not be pleased at first, your lives will have more meaning, your lives can now be better, and you no longer have such a heavy burden as myself resting on your shoulders.
May you all be set free. This final act of mine should leave all of you, AND myself, completely free. i have stuck around so long knowing that others will view me as weak and pathetic. Although while living, the same belief was also held high by everyone. Please know, it is the truth. You can think that.
Know that everything was done that could have been done. The last years of my life as I was drowning, I relied on certain devices in order for me to hold on. Things I would never consider doing, but the only way to continue living for just one more minute. I hope all of you don't think lowly of me, because of the things I have dabbled in. I had to in order to survive so people would not view me as weak for taking my own life. I no longer care if people believe this, because I have learned that a shortened life was my calling.
Many people receive help and can finally at least be able to feel. There are a few, myself included, that no matter what we will always be hollow. This was proven true when my last resources no longer had any effect on me. Binge drinking in order to drown out my feelings of emptiness, in order to feel something for a short time - lost all ability to give me any form of feeling. I have lost all interest in alcohol, and it no longer affects me. Emptiness remains. Binge eating every day in hopes of filling this empty hole in my stomach. I no longer find any interest in food.
As I close my eyes, all that races through my mind are images of popping pills. One after another. Entering my mouth and gliding down my throat. Cigarrettes, I hated them. It gave me something to do. While smoking, my hopes were always to shorten the life that I didn't have. If I had to remain living that moment, at least I found some peace knowing I was taking away moments from my existence.
Close the eyes. Sharp blade dragging across the wrist. Open eyes. These visuals are constantly haunting me. Burn marks on arm, hold the fire longer and longer on arm. No effect anymore. It does nothing. Physical pain no longer masks the complete emptiness and inabilty to feel.
No more hope. Nothing. Nothing. I am no longer lost. I'm here but nobody is home. I'm just a body. The body is hollow. I have already been dead. I feel as if I have lived well over 80 years. A decent amount of time. It is my time.
I had written this about 2 and a half months ago, and I really would like to share it with someone...
If you are reading this, then that means my plan was finally successful. I love each and every one of you, and that is the reason I had to do this. I am completely empty, hollow, and lifeless. My inability to feel denies me the capability of easing all your pains. Listening and helping others are the only things in this world that gave me any meaning. My eyes are so lifeless now that I can no longer serve all of you.
The only thing I am now capable of doing is dragging you down with me. I could never do that. Please know that this decision was not encouraged or anyone's fault. I have been on three different medications. I have tried talking through things. I have tried writing my thoughts down in order to get rid of them. All of these attempts have proved time and time again that all is hopeless. No matter how much I try and fix things, I will always be stuck with myself. If somehow I could enter a room and leave myself at the door, maybe things would be different. I can tell you all now that things are much better, I finally found the strength to give myself relief.
I always try to please everyone. Friends, family, neighbors, people that have incredibly hurt me, hell, even people I have never spoken to. I hope you can all find peace in knowing that I finally decided to do something in order to please myself. Although some of you may not be pleased at first, your lives will have more meaning, your lives can now be better, and you no longer have such a heavy burden as myself resting on your shoulders.
May you all be set free. This final act of mine should leave all of you, AND myself, completely free. i have stuck around so long knowing that others will view me as weak and pathetic. Although while living, the same belief was also held high by everyone. Please know, it is the truth. You can think that.
Know that everything was done that could have been done. The last years of my life as I was drowning, I relied on certain devices in order for me to hold on. Things I would never consider doing, but the only way to continue living for just one more minute. I hope all of you don't think lowly of me, because of the things I have dabbled in. I had to in order to survive so people would not view me as weak for taking my own life. I no longer care if people believe this, because I have learned that a shortened life was my calling.
Many people receive help and can finally at least be able to feel. There are a few, myself included, that no matter what we will always be hollow. This was proven true when my last resources no longer had any effect on me. Binge drinking in order to drown out my feelings of emptiness, in order to feel something for a short time - lost all ability to give me any form of feeling. I have lost all interest in alcohol, and it no longer affects me. Emptiness remains. Binge eating every day in hopes of filling this empty hole in my stomach. I no longer find any interest in food.
As I close my eyes, all that races through my mind are images of popping pills. One after another. Entering my mouth and gliding down my throat. Cigarrettes, I hated them. It gave me something to do. While smoking, my hopes were always to shorten the life that I didn't have. If I had to remain living that moment, at least I found some peace knowing I was taking away moments from my existence.
Close the eyes. Sharp blade dragging across the wrist. Open eyes. These visuals are constantly haunting me. Burn marks on arm, hold the fire longer and longer on arm. No effect anymore. It does nothing. Physical pain no longer masks the complete emptiness and inabilty to feel.
No more hope. Nothing. Nothing. I am no longer lost. I'm here but nobody is home. I'm just a body. The body is hollow. I have already been dead. I feel as if I have lived well over 80 years. A decent amount of time. It is my time.