(no subject)
The darkness consumes me as I enter the unforgiving space. Everyone around me, so much better than I am, at least on their scale. Figments of reality, foul attempts at likeliness, “being the same makes me cool”…being different is the new normal, and it hurts me to see these people coming onto my side of the moon, just because its cool now, hideous. But out of the corner of my eye, I see someone with the same expression etched on the stone of my face constantly, that angry expression showing her detest for the girls walking into the classroom in there good charlotte t-shirts and baggy pants, saying the traditional lines…”like OMG” sickening…
she looked over at me, and unknowingly I smiled back, but I never moved, as far as I could tell…but I guess she broke me, cracked my shell of anger towards the world…jus then the bell rang off and she disappeared, and I had thought it was nothing but a figment of my imagination. “watch where you going, Freak!” typical jock types bumping into me as I pass through the hall, my fist clenched to the point of breaking, but I cast my gaze up, something I never did before, and I caught a glimpse of the girl with no name, she smiled at me, and I continued my walk, for some reason nothing seemed to bother me then…I continued on with the blah blah blah of typical school, returned home and cracked out my composition book and the remote, typical day in solitude. I scratched the words of my mind into the book with a black pen, and over that with red, oh so creative. “Blood ridden scars and Safire tears curse this face, day and day and night over morbid skies”
If u couldn’t tell I wasn’t exactly the happy animal in the cage. But I looked at my words for awhile, not really what the said, but just the shapes, the color, the anger…and they seemed to move, and change into a face, the face of the girl with no name, who smiled at me…I head snapped out and sweat trickled down my back and face, my mind began to slow down and I realized it was a dream. But it got me thinking, so I went and grabbed my composition book out of my bag, and as I cracked it open, I opened to a page I hadn’t seen before, it was a drawing, done in black and outlined in red, of the girl with no name, and under it was etched the words…”you dropped this…I love you writing”. Most people who have just ripped the pages out and throw it away, but not here. Sure the thoughts were morbid, but they meant something when I would take the time to put them on paper.
I fell back on my bed and stared at the page for at least an hour, memorizing every line, every detail, until I could draw it myself with my eyes closed. She was so beautiful to me, even in ink, I could see her mind through it, every inch, every thought…just then my mom flung the door open “get up and ready for school, your going to be late.” Of course I am, even though I have half and hour to put on pants and grab breakfast. I grabbed the typical jeans and KoRn shirts and threw them on as I did everyday, grabbed my bag, with the freshly used composition book in it, smiling at me throw the bag…I grabbed my headphones of the dresser and ignored my usual breakfast, today was different…on my way to school pink Floyd was blaring on my headphones, typically it was korn or bleeding through, something a little more angry, but like I said, today was different. I stepped out of the car and into school, silently, surrounded my snow and cold air, as always. I looked up, something I never do, and saw her again, smiling at me…I was really starting to believe she was just a ghost stalking me, trying to tell me something, it turns out, she really was trying to tell me something…
The day preceded as usual, no friends, and the typical jock asshole shoving me and telling me “watch where you going freak, weirdo, freak, weirdo…..” the sounds just squishing together in a blur of hatred. I entered my 3rd period class…and there she was, sitting in my art class, smiling at me, covered in paint. I walked along past her, afraid that maybe she thought I was someone else, so I just did as I always did. I walked to the paint, which was right behind her, and she pulled on my shirt, smiled at me, and simple said “sit down god damnit!” this was the 1st time all years i've been asked that, it wasn’t exactly the nicest way, forceful, but still. I pulled up a chair, it’s scratched the floor as it moved, but that doesn’t matter. “You’re sitting here today.” “Um...that’s cool, so what’s your name, she who thus far remains nameless?” “Dee, but if you call me that ill gouge out your eyes and skull fuck you, call me sytriss.” Stern one she was, but that’s good, at least I can tell she’s wasn’t playing with me. I looked down at her art, basically I house with boarded up windows, she bent down and sprayed the words “fallout UE” at the bottom. I’ve seen that site before, it’s an urban exploration, shown to me by the eccentric buker, but well get to that later.
She smiled at me and just laughed. I don’t know why to this day, but she just said. “Well you know who I am, who the hell are you?”… “Syd, Syd Barrett.” “I’ve heard that before, that’s the old singer of pink Floyd…” Things are just piling up now, now I know why I had pink Floyd in my CD player this morning. The rest of the class period was spent talking about the exciting act of B&E, typically the fallout-UE thing, a web site based of pictures of UE, urban exploring.
The rest of my day was exactly the same. Same old assholes picking on me and calling me a freak, but now it doesn’t hurt at all, I’m invincible now, for some reason she cracked me open and sorted me out without even saying anything. This was such a beautiful thing. Her words rang through my mind, her face smiling at me and laughing, the laughter that would make the angels envious. Envious beauty….I opened my comp book to the page with her drawing on it, and there’s was something knew there…its simply said hello…I repeated this in my head and then out loud “hello? I don’t get it…” I looked up and she was staring at me. I closed my eyes and she was gone…I look down at the notebook and nothing was there but the drawing and the original text… my mind is playing tricks on me again, maybe this is telling me something…
The next, same period, but we had moved onto the music portion of the course. I sat down in the far back of the class, all alone per usual, but I didn’t see sytriss anywhere, leading me on to the fact that maybe she was a ghost, maybe in crazy…as I sat in the back the teacher put in a movie, the wizard of oz, and played pink Floyd in the background, attempting to prove that they synced up, and they did of course. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her enter the room. She grabbed a chair and sat right next to me, so close I could feel her energy, so bright and hopeful. I heard a soft whisper behind me, I look over and I saw her lips moving to every word, every soft syllable of the songs, every song burnt into my mind with her words, so soft and sweet. I looked over at her and my mind left the stratosphere, her lips shining natural crimson, something the beautiful envy, and the lustrous own, my eyes only saw her and it was perfect. She was so close to me and exactly what I needed. The song ended and she walked away, but as I walked forward, she slowed down and walked near me. “I’m sitting where you are today, there’s nowhere else to go.”
She sat amongst the fellow outcasts silently at 1st, seemingly soaking up the environment before uttering a syllable. She cracked a smile and just gave a looking just telling me “these are the craziest people ever.” They were my people. The other kids who felt like me, but not when we were together, it was great. What was this? I’ve never felt like this. Happy. That’s what it is. An insatiable thirst quenched. I screamed to the top of my longs THANK YOU FOR THIS but never out loud. This couldn’t be let out here, like this.
Once again the bell rang. A sign saying bliss was over and it was time for the morbid brutality of the day. But it wasn’t going to bother be today. Nothing was going to get in my way. She was my fuel the fire inside. Gas on the fire. It burnt up their insult before they could harm me. Her face in my mind was my immortal shield. It just saddened me that she would never know. My sense of life sharpened at my mind cracked. Showing a good life covered by the evil of the world. There was nothing wrong with me, I hadn’t had it hard, I was just surrounded my all the evil and selfishness of our small world. That’s just high school I guess…this is just the start of something beautiful…