The Rock
I figured out whats going on inside my head after I cleared the trash and what not. I kept looking back on whats been going on and why some things work out and some do not mostly with the choices that I have made and with me being supporting as I am. The reason that I am supporting is because at any particular time someone needs someone. I can remember when I dropped everything to run to philly cause someone there needed a chance to talk and cry. I remember I did not have much to make it there and when I did I let them cry. The same thing happened recently and the ability that I have to let people open up and share whats going on and for me (I hate talking about myself to high hell by the way) to be there and listen and share my experiance or for me to say nothing and just be there mattered to those I have helped and supported. To be open about this is taking all the guts I have and why I am telling you this instead of one of my many journals is beyond me I guess I need the feed back who knows that or to let you know where my head is at either way this is whats going on inside. I meditated last night to find out why I am in this jam and why I have always been in this jam and the answer came in like five hundred visions at once. The problem was is they came in the form of failed relationships. (GOD DAMN THIS IS EMO) I saw the times when I needed someone just to give me a hug and let me feel the existance of them so I knew that I had a rock and a shoulder like the one I gave them. I got nothing. When I called philly I got I needed to go to class sorry. When I was in the appartment I got questioned about another girl. In high school I got there is only time for me. Bottem line is the funeral comming up I will be needed for my shoulders once again. As sadistic and sad and selfish as this is going to sound and as lonly and well I do not know how others are going to react to it but just once I would like for a shoulder of my own so I can feel safe. I want to trust someone. Any one. guy or girl friend or foe just so that someone can listen to what the hell is going on with me. Heh I sound fucking pathetic. Sorry to bore you just feeling unlike myself these last few days. First time I opened up with something deep and it sounds really dumb. Oh well. Comtimplating on hitting send. I may or may not but it fealt good to get that out. Thanks for listening if i do send this.
-XJLX
-XJLX