The long road ahead.
trying to get back on track with life is not all that great and infact it sucks a whole lot of ass. I took a deep look at what I have done and become and realized that now(and hopefully) that some of the things that I needed to let go will stay gone. I have caused alot of discomfort in my reign as an ass hole and if i affected your judgement of me for this i am dreadfully sorry for you are the ones who are keeping me going at this time. I see what you have done with your lives as i some what let mine go on to the way side. Finding comfort in my words will be hard and please to the bottem of my soul acept my attempts to right a wrong mostly to my self and partly to you. There is a huge road ahead of me and well I need to do this on my own like I have done before and with you reading this and thinking if I am full of shit or actually mean it this time is up to you. I strongly feel that I mean it this time and with the last strand of hope (and a little help from the being above, cant belive I admitted that oh well) I am going to fight with my last waking breath to prove myself to myself the only person i need to prove anything to. I also came to a disturbing conclusion after watching some dear friends and a few others try to stradle life that I need to give something up and on my terms. I am from this momment forward hopefully done with drugs and drinking. Actually I made this decision a while back but never had the strength to do anything about it till a few days ago. This time however I will not be hypocritical like I was and I will not be an ass about it that only hurt me more when I decided to go on that ill fated joy ride into a tree. Yes I got a d.u.i. and that is why I have yet to drive. I freely admit this and if your opinion on me has changed then there is nothing and i mean nothing i can do about it. The reason I tried to cover it up was to protect whatever charicter I have with another blanket of lies. Its gotten to the point where I cannot stand telling them anymore and that I have to be honest. What a revelation huh. A big sux dont it but they say the truth will set you free and I feel better with you guys knowing. I get to drive again on tuesday and man I just hope I have the will power this time. This is why I have been mopey and mad and well rediculusly off the walls recently. That and not knowing what direction to go. I found that I need to go up and on this chance the slight one that it is I really hope that I can do it. I ask for noones support but my own on this one and should I fall that one is on me and not you. I really hope you take this for what its worth but this is whats been churning in my head for the past year. Now that I have come out of it and broadcasted it (i must be nuts) I ask for your forgivness and now I move on. Thank you for being there when you where and reading this.
XJLX
XJLX