maybe this wont last very long, but you feel so right.
Ugh! I'm hungry! LoL!!!
Anyways, Rob got home from California yesterday morning! I'm so happy that he is home. He's an awesome guy and I really like what him and I have between one another. I'm not rushing anything this time. I want to do it right. I want this to be a good thing. I've fucked so bad in the past. I'm such a moron when it comes to guys and relationships. I have this thing where I get to attached to fast and to easly. I do stupid shit. Then the guy ends up leaving me. Or in Dave's case i was with him for two years of my life. Two long, hard, fucked up years. I look back on it a lot. I think about it all the time. I thought I loved Dave. I still don't know if it was real love that I fealt or not. I think that i was in love with the way he treated me like shit, the way that one second we could be telling eachother how much we fucking hated one another then the next minute we'd be laughing. Dave and I had a pretty good relationship before I found out I was pregant. Well actually it was ok... not a normal one by any meens. But what's normal anyway? I was 14 years old with a 20 year old boy. The second time I met him i slepted at his house. I mean it's just crazy what my father let me do. Basically since the second day I met dave i was with him from that point on. We lived together the whole two years we were together. I hated him so fucking much but I loved him though. I don't really understand, and i don't know if I ever will. I was really depressed when I was with Dave. I new i could get pregnant and the fucked up part was I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to have a baby. I wanted someone that I could love and that would love me back the same way. Sometimes I think that's fucked up though because if i wasn't such a fool I wouldn't have Julian. I feel like such a bad person because Julian doesn't have a father. I think about it constantly. Dave put me threw fucking hell and back the two years I was with him. Now he is hurting my son. I can't stand that. I fell like a bad mother and that one day Julian is going to recent me for the choices and actions I've made. For leaving dave... for him not having his father. I never wanted him to not have a father. I tried with everything i had in me to be with Dave. I just couldn't take the abuse anymore.. emotionly and physically. Once I found out I was pregnant.. I quit smoking cigarettes, weed, and drinking. Dave couldn't do that. All i asked of him was to slow down on it. Then after I had Julian i realized that he was becoming what I consider an alcoholic. I couldn't cope with that. My stepdad is an alcoholic and my mom has been with him for 13yrs or more and shes been threw so much fucking shit i fucking hate my stepdad and I do not want a man like him. Everytime I would look at Dave i would think of my stepdad. I couldn't take that. It was eating me away inside. On top of him drinking every single day, he smoked weed. Yeah i used to be a fucking pothead so i cant really talk, but when it comes to my child i would do anything for him. Smoking weed is not important to me. My son is. I am not going to risk loosing him over weed. It so not worth it to me. But to dave drugs and alocohol were and still are more important then his son. Dave has made no attempted to see Julian. He has not sent a card on the holidays. He hasn't called on the holidays. It's been 10 months now and even though I don't really care about the money he hasn't gave me a penny to help me with Julian. Julian will be a year old this Monday. I know that Dave will not call. I doubt he will even remember. It just drives me crazy thinking about all this. I can't begin to understand why he does not love his son, why he doesn't care at all. I couldn't ever imagine being the way he is. I love Julian so much. I know i've fucked up in the past but i'm not going to anymore. I have a son now. I don't really give two fucks about anyone but him. He is my world. Without him i'd be nothing at all. He has shown me a love that i could have never dreamed was possible. I love him with every single piece of my heart and it will never change. I loved him from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I can remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. He is the most beautiful human on this planet in my eyes. I adore him. He's my EVERYTHING plus much much more. All I want is for him to be porud of me. I want him to have a good life. I want to do good for both him and myself. I'm doing it so far. I start school September 13. I will make something of myself. I will make my son proud that I am his mother. I have made so many bad choices, actions, decisions in my life that sometimes I wish would have never happened but then when I think about it I wouldn't change a thing in my life because maybe if I would have just changed one thing I wouldnt have my son. Everything is in the past now. I don't goive a fuck about dave. I don't give a fuck about all the shit that happened before I had julian. all the people I knew back then are fucking morons. None of the people I thought were friends were real true friends. No one gave a shit about me anymore when I got pregnant. I don't care though because atleast i know now. I don't need anyone though. My son gives me all the love in the world. A love no one could ever take away from me. Memories that will never be stolen from me. My son has made my life wonderful. I'm thankful every single day to have him. I'm trying to start over relationship wise. I don't know if I exactly need a boyfriend right now or anyone for that matter. I've tried once to be with someone since Dave and he was a fucking moron. I can't be with someone that's not ready to have a g/f with a child. I have a child and he's my world. If the guys not ready for that comitment then they aren't the right person for me. Rob is an all around awesome guy. He works for my sister at hottopic. I've had really deep long conversations with him. Conversations that i've never had with anyone else. He knows basically everything about me. He knows I have a child. He knows that Julian is my world and he likes that. He loves the fact that unlike many girls my age, i kept my child and i take care of him. He makes me very happy. He treats me like i'm a princess. He makes me feel beautiful. We are taking things really slow. I don't want to rush and he doesn't either. He knows i've been hurt before and says he doesn't intend to ever hurt me all he wants is for me to be happy. He really makes me so happy. I can't explain the way I feel, but it feels wonderful. I've never fealt the way I do with him with anyone else. Not even Dave. I know that if things stay the way they are now but just get stronger that we will be together for a long time. He wants to be with me and only me, he wants to care and love me. He wants to make me happy. He's the sweetist guy i've ever met in my life. He knows how to treat a girl. Unlike all the other dickheads these days. He not from around here which i like bcause all the kids in florence are fucking morons. He has a good family. He knows what he wants to do in life and knows what he wants in life. I really think this is something good. I'm happy at this point in my life. I dont really know what else to talk about this is really long i would keep writing because i like to get shit out but julian just woke up and i want to spend time with him. so goodbye for now.
<3-lauren
Anyways, Rob got home from California yesterday morning! I'm so happy that he is home. He's an awesome guy and I really like what him and I have between one another. I'm not rushing anything this time. I want to do it right. I want this to be a good thing. I've fucked so bad in the past. I'm such a moron when it comes to guys and relationships. I have this thing where I get to attached to fast and to easly. I do stupid shit. Then the guy ends up leaving me. Or in Dave's case i was with him for two years of my life. Two long, hard, fucked up years. I look back on it a lot. I think about it all the time. I thought I loved Dave. I still don't know if it was real love that I fealt or not. I think that i was in love with the way he treated me like shit, the way that one second we could be telling eachother how much we fucking hated one another then the next minute we'd be laughing. Dave and I had a pretty good relationship before I found out I was pregant. Well actually it was ok... not a normal one by any meens. But what's normal anyway? I was 14 years old with a 20 year old boy. The second time I met him i slepted at his house. I mean it's just crazy what my father let me do. Basically since the second day I met dave i was with him from that point on. We lived together the whole two years we were together. I hated him so fucking much but I loved him though. I don't really understand, and i don't know if I ever will. I was really depressed when I was with Dave. I new i could get pregnant and the fucked up part was I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to have a baby. I wanted someone that I could love and that would love me back the same way. Sometimes I think that's fucked up though because if i wasn't such a fool I wouldn't have Julian. I feel like such a bad person because Julian doesn't have a father. I think about it constantly. Dave put me threw fucking hell and back the two years I was with him. Now he is hurting my son. I can't stand that. I fell like a bad mother and that one day Julian is going to recent me for the choices and actions I've made. For leaving dave... for him not having his father. I never wanted him to not have a father. I tried with everything i had in me to be with Dave. I just couldn't take the abuse anymore.. emotionly and physically. Once I found out I was pregnant.. I quit smoking cigarettes, weed, and drinking. Dave couldn't do that. All i asked of him was to slow down on it. Then after I had Julian i realized that he was becoming what I consider an alcoholic. I couldn't cope with that. My stepdad is an alcoholic and my mom has been with him for 13yrs or more and shes been threw so much fucking shit i fucking hate my stepdad and I do not want a man like him. Everytime I would look at Dave i would think of my stepdad. I couldn't take that. It was eating me away inside. On top of him drinking every single day, he smoked weed. Yeah i used to be a fucking pothead so i cant really talk, but when it comes to my child i would do anything for him. Smoking weed is not important to me. My son is. I am not going to risk loosing him over weed. It so not worth it to me. But to dave drugs and alocohol were and still are more important then his son. Dave has made no attempted to see Julian. He has not sent a card on the holidays. He hasn't called on the holidays. It's been 10 months now and even though I don't really care about the money he hasn't gave me a penny to help me with Julian. Julian will be a year old this Monday. I know that Dave will not call. I doubt he will even remember. It just drives me crazy thinking about all this. I can't begin to understand why he does not love his son, why he doesn't care at all. I couldn't ever imagine being the way he is. I love Julian so much. I know i've fucked up in the past but i'm not going to anymore. I have a son now. I don't really give two fucks about anyone but him. He is my world. Without him i'd be nothing at all. He has shown me a love that i could have never dreamed was possible. I love him with every single piece of my heart and it will never change. I loved him from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I can remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. He is the most beautiful human on this planet in my eyes. I adore him. He's my EVERYTHING plus much much more. All I want is for him to be porud of me. I want him to have a good life. I want to do good for both him and myself. I'm doing it so far. I start school September 13. I will make something of myself. I will make my son proud that I am his mother. I have made so many bad choices, actions, decisions in my life that sometimes I wish would have never happened but then when I think about it I wouldn't change a thing in my life because maybe if I would have just changed one thing I wouldnt have my son. Everything is in the past now. I don't goive a fuck about dave. I don't give a fuck about all the shit that happened before I had julian. all the people I knew back then are fucking morons. None of the people I thought were friends were real true friends. No one gave a shit about me anymore when I got pregnant. I don't care though because atleast i know now. I don't need anyone though. My son gives me all the love in the world. A love no one could ever take away from me. Memories that will never be stolen from me. My son has made my life wonderful. I'm thankful every single day to have him. I'm trying to start over relationship wise. I don't know if I exactly need a boyfriend right now or anyone for that matter. I've tried once to be with someone since Dave and he was a fucking moron. I can't be with someone that's not ready to have a g/f with a child. I have a child and he's my world. If the guys not ready for that comitment then they aren't the right person for me. Rob is an all around awesome guy. He works for my sister at hottopic. I've had really deep long conversations with him. Conversations that i've never had with anyone else. He knows basically everything about me. He knows I have a child. He knows that Julian is my world and he likes that. He loves the fact that unlike many girls my age, i kept my child and i take care of him. He makes me very happy. He treats me like i'm a princess. He makes me feel beautiful. We are taking things really slow. I don't want to rush and he doesn't either. He knows i've been hurt before and says he doesn't intend to ever hurt me all he wants is for me to be happy. He really makes me so happy. I can't explain the way I feel, but it feels wonderful. I've never fealt the way I do with him with anyone else. Not even Dave. I know that if things stay the way they are now but just get stronger that we will be together for a long time. He wants to be with me and only me, he wants to care and love me. He wants to make me happy. He's the sweetist guy i've ever met in my life. He knows how to treat a girl. Unlike all the other dickheads these days. He not from around here which i like bcause all the kids in florence are fucking morons. He has a good family. He knows what he wants to do in life and knows what he wants in life. I really think this is something good. I'm happy at this point in my life. I dont really know what else to talk about this is really long i would keep writing because i like to get shit out but julian just woke up and i want to spend time with him. so goodbye for now.
<3-lauren