(no subject)

Dec 04, 2001 11:54


The hospital looms ever closer and I feel it in my blood, for it is racing to the ring of monitors and equipment. All of which I cannot turn off, but must endure. I can smell the plastic that is over everything for the "safety of others that will later use the room". The nausea is setting in, I cant eat and the I.V. that drips doesn't seem to drip fast enough so that I can have some type of human interaction, the only interaction I can hope for is the replacing of that I.V. and the vitals checkups. The Vitals check ups that they do every few hours, but only it seems when I am just falling asleep again. My muscle's curling up into knots and growing weak from not eating, I cant move, I cant breath well with my throat raw from throwing up my own digestive fluids when there is nothing else to be spewed from my wretched mouth. Its so cold and my eyes strain on the book that I fruitlessly try to read, it makes me dizzy and that brings upon more nausea and more retching into a small plastic dish. The plastic is everywhere, I cannot escape it and the smell drives me wild because it is so overwhelming and so distasteful. I lay in my hospital bed shivering because the blankets are so thin and the disease that eats away at my body and soul tortures me with intolerance to any type of coldness. Making a warm sunny day seem to be a barren tundra a rift with only snow, ice and death. I can not stand this any longer, the lack of sleep is getting to me and the panic attacks are setting in but I know that the readings wont show in my favor, I know that it is still only the first day of my hell.. I know that I have more, and more.. And that the sleep will never come, the peace will never come, there will be no visitors there will be no escape from my isolation that I must endure to live. Only have I ever been visited by two of my friends once, mike and mike and forever shall I remember that and be grateful. The memory fades from my minds eye as I try to once more in vain occupy my agony with television or with reading. Both leave the world spinning and I must leave them to their lifeless states in fear of more agony at the base of my innards. I can't do this anymore I whisper but no one hears me, my mouth is dry and crusted from the lack of washing. My own body reeks of disease because they do not allow me to wash or to shower.. I am death, I am the being that is ever in torture.. and I endure...suffer...alone.

All these memories and thoughts race in my head as the time races forward to when I will once more be in the hospital. No I do not look forward to Christmas or the semester break from college, for me it will be nothing but a knowing hell. A place of discomfort, of torture but also of some strange healing. For you see for me to live, which I sometimes question the value of doing, I must go through this. So that I may live without a love in my life for me to share my successes and losses, to walk through this world with. So that I may live to see that my friends are happy and see that a good time might be had by all, to help those friends and family when they are in need of it. Because I am a "nice guy" I do all of this, my happiness is nothing to that of those I care about. Yet I wonder, when will it be my turn to be happy? When will it be my turn to be consoled and to have my hand held? I wish I had answers for myself, or a bit of advice since it seems I can do that so often and so well, give advice and set peoples minds to thinking if they give me the chance. What now do I have to do to have the same given to me that I give freely to all who are decent to me, and some even who aren't decent to me. Not intentionally always, but it still looms. The sorrow in my marrow, the grief in my bones, the torture in my soul. I don't see the point of it anymore, all I've ever had is fake romances that make my heart bleed and cry out in longing. No longer can I afford the semblances of life. I'm giving up on the world because it has shunned me. Like a firefly caught in a jar its light must soon fade away and die unless it is released. I see no release on the horizon, I see only the fading of the sunset and the fading of my light.
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