(no subject)
For a long time I have left this entire journal private because I was hiding my thoughts and feelings from someone. Right now that someone is gone from my life in such a complete way I don't have to do that anymore. I can breath. I can smile. I can be me again without worrying about how it will effect my son, my life, home, and family.
I mentioned in my last entry...ohhhh months ago that I had met someone. I still have that someone and feel like I have been blessed for my choice to end the life I had been living. Again, his is the answer to my prayers and the person I think will fullfill my dreams. I cannot say anything more about him that makes more sense. Mac completes my heart and life in a way I never thought I would have.
Last May I made a choice and it drastically changed my life. It put me back on course and back in a place I could grow. I was raised as a born again Christian. Now, I will never say I have always acted like one, because I know that isn't true...but my basic belief structure came from this background. I compromised myself, my beliefs, and my God when I decided to live with her. When I took her into my life without question and I believe in my heart that I have paid over and over for that. Even as a Christian we reap what we sow...I am no different.
This week he tested me so badly and I failed. I failed so miserably I feel like all the progress I have made in the past months are lost. Anger is a weakness I have...and my anger turns to vindictiveness. So I have gone back to my knees and asked him for forgiviness and to help me not hate or be angry. Even when I feel so betrayed. In retrospect I know it is for the best, I know he held hand in it because I wasn't strong enough to put her out of my life entierely. I was still trying to be her friend, her family. So her true colors showed and a love she claimed for my son and I was shown as false. It hurts...but I know it's a growth hurt...something that will make me stronger later on.
I look at myself now and last May. When I left I had no one. She'd chased my friends and family away from me....but this week, when she decided to hurt me and Marcus...my friends were there...lending support and offering help. And I realized for the first time in my friendship with Leeann that I haven't had someone so close as a friend since highschool. I have been very very blessed. My boyfriend held my hand and give me security when I would otherwise be lost...and my family talks me through my anger and hurt...and in this all I come closer to my God who has given me a gift of freedom...even if I did not see it at first.
I am no broken, but set free from hatred and pain. Maybe she took all I had but I know I am strong enough to build over again.
I mentioned in my last entry...ohhhh months ago that I had met someone. I still have that someone and feel like I have been blessed for my choice to end the life I had been living. Again, his is the answer to my prayers and the person I think will fullfill my dreams. I cannot say anything more about him that makes more sense. Mac completes my heart and life in a way I never thought I would have.
Last May I made a choice and it drastically changed my life. It put me back on course and back in a place I could grow. I was raised as a born again Christian. Now, I will never say I have always acted like one, because I know that isn't true...but my basic belief structure came from this background. I compromised myself, my beliefs, and my God when I decided to live with her. When I took her into my life without question and I believe in my heart that I have paid over and over for that. Even as a Christian we reap what we sow...I am no different.
This week he tested me so badly and I failed. I failed so miserably I feel like all the progress I have made in the past months are lost. Anger is a weakness I have...and my anger turns to vindictiveness. So I have gone back to my knees and asked him for forgiviness and to help me not hate or be angry. Even when I feel so betrayed. In retrospect I know it is for the best, I know he held hand in it because I wasn't strong enough to put her out of my life entierely. I was still trying to be her friend, her family. So her true colors showed and a love she claimed for my son and I was shown as false. It hurts...but I know it's a growth hurt...something that will make me stronger later on.
I look at myself now and last May. When I left I had no one. She'd chased my friends and family away from me....but this week, when she decided to hurt me and Marcus...my friends were there...lending support and offering help. And I realized for the first time in my friendship with Leeann that I haven't had someone so close as a friend since highschool. I have been very very blessed. My boyfriend held my hand and give me security when I would otherwise be lost...and my family talks me through my anger and hurt...and in this all I come closer to my God who has given me a gift of freedom...even if I did not see it at first.
I am no broken, but set free from hatred and pain. Maybe she took all I had but I know I am strong enough to build over again.