(no subject)
Well everyone... heres your time to read my side of the story and start taking a side since everyone and their mother is...
So here we go... and this might be long.
The past month-ish.. I'm not going to lie.. I might have been out of control but I've been hurt too. The past month I feel as if the people closest to me have completely mistreated me... and yea, people see it. Leah had been my best friend for years, we'd gone through thick and thin through our friendship and made it out okay... and maybe thats why I'm a little sensitive to it all. I'd like to stand up for myself and say no, I'm not controlling, regardless of what people think. The only reason I had ever asked where she was and had gotten mad is being she had openly made plans with me and have blown me off for others or when a better situation came up.. if that makes me controlling, I apologize.. maybe I'm over sensitive.
As for the situation occuring NOW, I do have alot of pent up anger... I feel as if I'm alone.. the only person I now see on a regular basis that helps me deal is mywonderful Derek, and I'm sorry if hims ticking up for me is "bitchy" but when you see someone youobviously care about like Derek does for me (and vice versa) you are going to say something. Leah had always been there for me, no denying that. Shes guided me through some of the hardest times in mylife and I'd like to think, regardless of how apparently shitty I'm being now, I'd been there for her too. Its really hard when someone as close to you and someone youlove dearly kicks you out of their life. I wish things could have been different and we'd been able to work things out like old times.
The only reason I had been so upset about feeling ditched is because I was being ditched... and I felt left out. Courtney and Stacy are people I care about too... so when the 3 of them hung out and didn't call me or even offer to hang out with me, I was hurt. Why would 3 of your best friends not want to hang out with you? I'm sorry if I'm rude and I've apologized for things I've said in the past, but the thing is, they are in the past. I was a different person, and yea, when someone's hurt they are going to fend for themselves... even if it means hurting the person back. I'm sorry if thats shitty, I really am, and I'm sorry for the obvious hurtful things I've said and did, but the situation is now out of my control. I'm not going to beg for forgiveness, I feel as if I've done nothing wrong and have done my share of apologizing. If people thinks this doesn't hurt me still... THEY ARE WRONG. I've lost friends before and have dealt with it, but this is the closest its ever hit to home.. someone who I know has been there for me, someone who used to be there for me like no one else ever has, has seemed to fallen so distant from me... and that hurts. Do I wish everything was okay between me and Leah? Oh course. Shes the best friend I've ever had... and for awhile, I'd like to think I was that for ther also. I'm sick of crying, sick of getting hurt, sick of feeling the way I do.. and if thats wrong, again, I apologize.
I've never openly brought the drama between me and Leah to mylivejournal... the only reason I have is because others did.. so I felt as if it was my turn to tell my side. I don't want drama.. and the most I want is a mutual understanding of the sides... I'm willing (and have been) to take a step back evaluate the opposite side.. I wish people would have the ocurtesy to do that to me.
Everything will eventually be okay and eventually heal... and by that, I mean we'll come to a peace... maybe not be friends... maybe not even be aquaintances.. but have a common understand of eachother.
I'm sorry for the things I've done and said... but if people knew (and some do) how INCREDIBLY hurt I am, they'd probably understand. I'm in the most pain I've been in in years... and coping without the people who normally help you is hard. I honestly want everything to be okay, but its out of my hands.
All I'm asking is if anyone has any beef or questions, come to me. Don't tell anyone else don't ask anyone else... come to me and I'll openlyand honestly tell you how I feel and trybeing rational.
To Leah, Courtney, and Stacy.... I love you all and you know that... but I will not sit around and feel as if I'm being a pest or feel as if I'm not wanted. But I do love you and yea, I've done things lately that were out of hand.. but haven't we all? Am I the ONLY one whose done something wrong? Certainly not. If you want to talk, you have my number, you know where I live, and lastly, you have my screen name. I'd rather talk one on one with each other you, preferably in person... but if that can't be done, just IM me. I'd like to talk.. and I'd like to do it soon.. just to get everything out in the open.
And thats ALL I have to say about that.
So here we go... and this might be long.
The past month-ish.. I'm not going to lie.. I might have been out of control but I've been hurt too. The past month I feel as if the people closest to me have completely mistreated me... and yea, people see it. Leah had been my best friend for years, we'd gone through thick and thin through our friendship and made it out okay... and maybe thats why I'm a little sensitive to it all. I'd like to stand up for myself and say no, I'm not controlling, regardless of what people think. The only reason I had ever asked where she was and had gotten mad is being she had openly made plans with me and have blown me off for others or when a better situation came up.. if that makes me controlling, I apologize.. maybe I'm over sensitive.
As for the situation occuring NOW, I do have alot of pent up anger... I feel as if I'm alone.. the only person I now see on a regular basis that helps me deal is mywonderful Derek, and I'm sorry if hims ticking up for me is "bitchy" but when you see someone youobviously care about like Derek does for me (and vice versa) you are going to say something. Leah had always been there for me, no denying that. Shes guided me through some of the hardest times in mylife and I'd like to think, regardless of how apparently shitty I'm being now, I'd been there for her too. Its really hard when someone as close to you and someone youlove dearly kicks you out of their life. I wish things could have been different and we'd been able to work things out like old times.
The only reason I had been so upset about feeling ditched is because I was being ditched... and I felt left out. Courtney and Stacy are people I care about too... so when the 3 of them hung out and didn't call me or even offer to hang out with me, I was hurt. Why would 3 of your best friends not want to hang out with you? I'm sorry if I'm rude and I've apologized for things I've said in the past, but the thing is, they are in the past. I was a different person, and yea, when someone's hurt they are going to fend for themselves... even if it means hurting the person back. I'm sorry if thats shitty, I really am, and I'm sorry for the obvious hurtful things I've said and did, but the situation is now out of my control. I'm not going to beg for forgiveness, I feel as if I've done nothing wrong and have done my share of apologizing. If people thinks this doesn't hurt me still... THEY ARE WRONG. I've lost friends before and have dealt with it, but this is the closest its ever hit to home.. someone who I know has been there for me, someone who used to be there for me like no one else ever has, has seemed to fallen so distant from me... and that hurts. Do I wish everything was okay between me and Leah? Oh course. Shes the best friend I've ever had... and for awhile, I'd like to think I was that for ther also. I'm sick of crying, sick of getting hurt, sick of feeling the way I do.. and if thats wrong, again, I apologize.
I've never openly brought the drama between me and Leah to mylivejournal... the only reason I have is because others did.. so I felt as if it was my turn to tell my side. I don't want drama.. and the most I want is a mutual understanding of the sides... I'm willing (and have been) to take a step back evaluate the opposite side.. I wish people would have the ocurtesy to do that to me.
Everything will eventually be okay and eventually heal... and by that, I mean we'll come to a peace... maybe not be friends... maybe not even be aquaintances.. but have a common understand of eachother.
I'm sorry for the things I've done and said... but if people knew (and some do) how INCREDIBLY hurt I am, they'd probably understand. I'm in the most pain I've been in in years... and coping without the people who normally help you is hard. I honestly want everything to be okay, but its out of my hands.
All I'm asking is if anyone has any beef or questions, come to me. Don't tell anyone else don't ask anyone else... come to me and I'll openlyand honestly tell you how I feel and trybeing rational.
To Leah, Courtney, and Stacy.... I love you all and you know that... but I will not sit around and feel as if I'm being a pest or feel as if I'm not wanted. But I do love you and yea, I've done things lately that were out of hand.. but haven't we all? Am I the ONLY one whose done something wrong? Certainly not. If you want to talk, you have my number, you know where I live, and lastly, you have my screen name. I'd rather talk one on one with each other you, preferably in person... but if that can't be done, just IM me. I'd like to talk.. and I'd like to do it soon.. just to get everything out in the open.
And thats ALL I have to say about that.