(no subject)
im so frustrated right now.
i feel like such an angsty teenager, but no one really wants to listen to this, so ill just write it all down.
i feel like im a weak victim of emotional hijacking. everytime something really angers me or excites me, i can NEVER articulate my feelings in a coherent, intelligent way. no one ever really grasps what i hope they grasp..which gets me even more excited and then all hope is lost...
my dad says this is just a part of growing up. oy. he says that someday, i will be calm, i will be able to listen to someone who i disagree with and i will be calm and i will be able to be patient.
but i think i revolve around what i feel. we talked about israel in hebrew high today and why it was important to us. is it silly that the most important thing about israel to me is truly a piece of stone wall? not its religious connotation, but how it makes me feel when i touch it? or how clean the air is when i breathe it? or how magestic i feel against the israeli forests? or how connected i feel to the dirt blowing whipping across my face in the desert? this things translate so much more meaningful to me than any words could...am i a mere animal?
maybe this is why im so unhappy right now. my life in america is this: i sit in school all day, with nothing stimulating, go home, sleep. i have my family, which makes me happy, and even a few friends...but nothing inspiring. nothing that makes me feel ALIVE. i feel so juvenile...is it okay to rely on such "superficial" things?
i dont know what i want. i live life day by day and i hope it will come to me. i hope i am living correctly. i hope i am making wise decisions. i hope that what i value is what is important. i try to be confident..but nothing seems to quite fit...or satisfy me.
its especially hard because one of my hopes just died.
i guess i expect too much of myself. i expect myself to just bounce back, to be able to live independently, to be able to rely on myself as a friend. i have to deal with my thoughts now...and its depressing me. i need someone optimistic to just drop me sticky notes on my head.
sorry this was angsty. im really excited about some things. im going to be doing a program on my EIE experience in Israel soon for kids at temple. i hope some of them will decide to take a semester there. also, senior exit/aps are almost over, only 2 more months of school left, summer, then collegeeeeeeeee.
I guess i just feel kind of lonely. its hard to build up friends again.