Interesting....
It's really interesting to see people's lives change right before your eyes. You see the decisions that they make, and the way they choose to live, and it really shows you the kind of person they truly are.
I've had the "priveledge" of seeing a lot of this lately...in many different people, including myself.
Now that I am completely out of the faculty of music, (with the exception of choir, lessons and theory..which dont really give me much time around Talbot and the MB), I can see the "bubble" that music students really live in. I didnt even know half of the buildings my classes are in, even existed! It's really amazing and refreshing to be starting over, and to be excited and interested in my classes. I feel at peace with my decision and myself, in some ways.
Getting to back to what I said about people. I have to sit here in the solitude of my own room and wonder different things about myself and other people. Am I a good friend to people? Do I put myself out there enough for them? Do they feel like they can come to me at anytime?
I feel that way inside, but I'm not sure if they know that...and then there are the friends who quite obviously dont think I am worth caring about, or being friends with...i think that probably hurts more than they will ever know.
I've had my heart broken in so many different ways by so many different people...its actually pretty unbelievable. Most people affiliate having your heart broken with a guy...but for me it's a lot more than that...guys have done it to me, no doubt about that, but friends have done it too.
I actually gave my whole heart to a couple people and let them know things about my life that no one ever has before...and due to circumstances that I'm not even entirely sure about, they dont want to be my friend anymore.
There's a really amazing scene in the movie "Crazy/Beautiful" where Kirsten Dunst's character has just been brought home by the police and she is crying and hysterical and she says to her father:
"why do you hate me so much....why do you hate me....why am I not worth loving...why dont you love me.."
it's pretty scary to feel that way...trust me..
It's the beginning of a new phase of my life...I spend so much time letting myself get sucked into the drama...I spend so much time obsessing over why things happen and why they arent different, that I dont learn to focus on myself a whole lot..and in the end, as I have harshly discovered, I'm really all I've got.
so in closing, i'd like to quote a really great Green Day song that is so getting me right now.
I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And were I walk alone
Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
that's it...
I've had the "priveledge" of seeing a lot of this lately...in many different people, including myself.
Now that I am completely out of the faculty of music, (with the exception of choir, lessons and theory..which dont really give me much time around Talbot and the MB), I can see the "bubble" that music students really live in. I didnt even know half of the buildings my classes are in, even existed! It's really amazing and refreshing to be starting over, and to be excited and interested in my classes. I feel at peace with my decision and myself, in some ways.
Getting to back to what I said about people. I have to sit here in the solitude of my own room and wonder different things about myself and other people. Am I a good friend to people? Do I put myself out there enough for them? Do they feel like they can come to me at anytime?
I feel that way inside, but I'm not sure if they know that...and then there are the friends who quite obviously dont think I am worth caring about, or being friends with...i think that probably hurts more than they will ever know.
I've had my heart broken in so many different ways by so many different people...its actually pretty unbelievable. Most people affiliate having your heart broken with a guy...but for me it's a lot more than that...guys have done it to me, no doubt about that, but friends have done it too.
I actually gave my whole heart to a couple people and let them know things about my life that no one ever has before...and due to circumstances that I'm not even entirely sure about, they dont want to be my friend anymore.
There's a really amazing scene in the movie "Crazy/Beautiful" where Kirsten Dunst's character has just been brought home by the police and she is crying and hysterical and she says to her father:
"why do you hate me so much....why do you hate me....why am I not worth loving...why dont you love me.."
it's pretty scary to feel that way...trust me..
It's the beginning of a new phase of my life...I spend so much time letting myself get sucked into the drama...I spend so much time obsessing over why things happen and why they arent different, that I dont learn to focus on myself a whole lot..and in the end, as I have harshly discovered, I'm really all I've got.
so in closing, i'd like to quote a really great Green Day song that is so getting me right now.
I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And were I walk alone
Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
that's it...