31 dec 2022
it's been 2 years since I returned. perhaps the very fact that it took me awhile to return meant that things felt they were in control, and suddenly they haven't been.
I've got loads to update, and I'll start off with the fact that Alexandra is now two and a half years old. my last entry was when she was under a year old. she has grown into such a chatty little girl, and I mean this in the most mischievous (me, not her) way. I love chatty little girls, and can only hope that she remains a chattering little bee. unfortunately though, she has her moments of being really silent, and still. she has some anxiety that expresses itself in picking at the skin beside her thumbs. it often results in some pretty bloody thumbs, but nothing cannot be fixed with an observant mother with loads of creams. her daily ritual involves slathering much cream on her ankles, that specific spot behind her neck, her inner elbows, her thighs (which boasts some marks from bites and scars when she inevitably hurts herself while playing). she wails frequently when she wakes - either because she wants to sleep a tad more but is unable to, or that the sun is too bright (???) and its rays hurt her eyes. with baby led weaning, we hoped she might be a better eater but unfortunately she doesn't as much as we hope. we suspect it might be due to her tongue tie (more on that later), and hence it may even be comfortable for her to take food? who knows? she is into carrying bags stuffed with the strangest of ornaments, as she walks around the house in pretend play. her father bought her a balance bike when she turned 1.5 years old, but it has been sitting in storage for awhile as she much prefers her trike where she is pushed around in a bicycle, and need not cycle to move along. her feet resembles Keith's, so they look like cute little boats. she is of the age where she can tell you all sorts of scenarios and preferences, like what she would like to have for breakfast or who she would like to meet and where she would like to go (Canberra plaza, mostly) - but she oftentimes cannot remember expressing those desires. that benefits us mostly, but in the rare moments she recalls that particular want, it becomes a need. she absolutely loves singing. she can remember words to plenty of songs, most impressive of which is Silent Night. I have recordings of those songs she remembers/likes to sing, so will remember to play them in the nights I want to remember her at this age. her tantrums though, I wish they were forgettable but I see so much of her in me when she goes through her rage. it is a deep reminder to do what I hoped my mother would have done with me, when I had those deep feelings. just be there, be still. don't go anywhere, even as she yells that she doesn't want me and reminding her that my job is to keep her safe so I will sit beside her. not trying to shush her or stop the inevitable (rage and tears), and be ready to console and reassure my love for her when all the deep feelings fizzle out. she is my joy and the reason for my existence... until of course when 10 June 2022 arrived.
when Keith's dad passed away on 25 dec 2020, it struck something in us that we did not want Alexandra to be alone when her blood relations (us) passes on. so we decided to try again and lo and behold, we were gifted twins naturally.
the gestational period before the twins arrived were filled with fear and anxiety. we thought we would rock the second child rearing, and not fumble as we did with our eldest but boy, did we fall short in having to deal with 3 under 2. we often and sadly leave our youngest, Ava, to our helpers. This is because Alex is assigned to Keith, as her emotional stability anchors us. Then I take Annelise, our second, because Annie latches directly (God sent) so it makes sense for me to care for her. Our third was unable to latch directly despite so much effort and money spent on them both to support breastfeeding. we hired all the top lactation consultantS in Singapore, in addition to osteopathS (notice the multiples). we subjected the twins to tongue and lip tie surgeries, in addition to the dreaded rehabilitation that followed after. still, it was dismal for Ava and the sensible thing then after exhausting all efforts was a bottle.
delivery of the twins were also more complicated. I underwent a c-section as Ava was kinda head down, but not really as her head was between her legs. a vaginal delivery would have been preferred, but yeah, it was what it was. the early days post surgery were pretty brutal. I struggled with severe bouts of hives, and even 6 months later I still bear the pigmentation from it. Alex had a covid scare just as I was about to be discharged, and hence booked into Kai Suites which cost us 11 thousand dollars for a week's day. breastfeeding wasn't smooth due to these tie issues, but I am happy to report that 6 months later Annie is successfully latching. fully. so happy. which was also why we figured that Alex had a tie issue, rendering her latch pretty weak back then. Annie is also a champion eater - the way she eats makes me so damn proud even though I did nothing except to birth her from my body. we trace it back to breastfeeding again.
I want to write a little about Annie and Ava. Annie is a total dearie, and we affectionately call her my stalker. she gets so excited and often stretches her arms out to me when she sees me as she wants me to carry her. she latches extremely well and is of the age where she is trying to feed in strange positions. like taking my left boob but turning her head right. we co-sleep with her (also another top tip and learning we have, with so many children under our belt), because it allows me to get to her quickly with minimal effort and I can hold her while remaining half asleep, and she settles quickly too. she takes her solids so well, and is curious about everything handed to her. she hated tummy time, and progressed to sitting up before she got comfortable with being on her tummy at a later stage. we bring her everywhere with us, and with that she gets ill more though. I love being in her presence, as she is with me. she cries when she is in the car seat and we often resort to baby wearing her in the car instead.
both sisters are excellent crawlers, and now I want to talk about Ava. from the first moment Ava and I came together, she was uncertain about breastfeeding. I placed her close to my nipples, but she somehow wasn't sure of what she needed to do. I wonder if it was because our skin-to-skin was much delayed, as even though I gave specific instructions to Keith on this, he also fumbled and didn't do that at all about the skin-to-skin. these days she cries when I try to offer my boob to her, that's why I don't do it anymore. Ava is so cute, and has round almond eyes. she also has an oval shaped face, more akin to Keith. she is quiet and observant. but when she gets angry, she gets reallllly angry. she would move her very heavy head side-to-side rapidly, and swing her arms too sometimes in her rage. in times of peace though, she really is the sweetest. she doesn't demand as much attention as Annie for sure. I wonder it's because she is left to herself a lot more than Annie. Ava was born with a head preference to her left i.e. it was uncomfortable for her to turn right. we forced her to do a lot of tummy time, and hence she started crawling way before Annie did. with that said though, she just took marginally longer to get comfortable with sitting up. but with regards to being on tummy or sitting, Ava prefers being on her tummy. she is a quiet soul, and Keith often reminds me that we have to make up to her a lot more when she gets older. I feel like I have to make up to all of them, even though I am already trying my best.
so I have three daughters and raising them well to remain connected with me and having the emotional confidence is my biggest challenge. when we had one kid, I couldn't properly empathise with my mother - I felt was she was so inadequate with me. with 3 kids though, I am starting to really get how she really tried her best. and whatever it was, I cannot blame her too much because she didn't have the support and resources I enjoy today. I am fortunate to be where I am, standing on her shoulders.
an update on our lives also, while I am here. we sold brownstone and made a tidy profit from it. with that, we bought a 4 bedroom with whatever we had at pandan valley. in our house search, we kinda wanted a bit of everything. we wanted an affiliated, and reasonably good school in the area. we wanted facilities which we enjoyed at brownstone. we wanted a central-ish location. we wanted space for our children to grow, and for Keith's mom to stay with us. we kinda got all that in a compromised fashion in this unit at pandan valley.
pandan valley is beside Henry Park primary. good school, but no affiliation, so the kids have to work pretty hard to get to their secondary school of choice. the estate offers facilities, not in the best condition but it's there (inserts laughing and crying emoticon). it's in the mount sinai/holland area - so more west, but closer to civilisation. nothing beats being in novena/balestier. the unit is 2088 soft, but we have promptly expanded it with some extension to 2100+sqft. everyone has rooms of their own with exception of the twins, who will have to share as we are having Keith's mom stay with us. the helpers will also have their own space. oh yes, we are having two helpers because it's just not possible to survive with one it seems.
at this moment, we are in the thick of renovations for the unit. I've pretty much razed our contractor in bid to get the best pricing for us, and I don't regret it. I am very pleased with it, in fact. and I hope to continue haggling right to the very end of completion.
job wise. I got my VP2 this year. that's after having worked for 9 years 9 months in the same company. even though I achieved this much coveted promotion in arguably a fairly trim time frame and this year, I am in such great insecurity about my job prospects. I don't know where I stand at work. I don't know what I need to do to get to the next level - or maybe I do, but I'm not expressing it sufficiently. I need to have a better chat with my mentors. I was offered a role back in a department that I'm very comfortable with to do business planning, but the division head hinted that if my ultimate goal was to run the products department, I need to stay in products. and not fumble off to do distribution. that said, he assured me that he will find something for me in the products area although I did share that I lack chemistry with that department and its folks, but I remain committed to doing my best and also I feel that we can make good changes and strides there. there laid a big promise that I'm uncertain will be kept. I am hopeful and focusing on it, but if it doesn't pan out I will be upfront about it and remain factual. that said my headspace has really shifted with three children. more to be there for them, less on having enough to fund the mortgage, feed them and send them to expensive private daycare while having multiple helpers run the show at home. I need to remind myself to stay the course, and work hard. I have challenging family circumstances but I will also overcome it and come out prouder than ever before that I have managed to do it all. I will try. I will do it. I will be visible.
I would like to find a church to go back to. God, are you there?