Love in the time of Corona
by Keith
3 May 2020. We're about a month into Singapore's pandemic "circuit-breaker". More importantly, it's ACL's EDD. We'd hoped for a May baby just cause G and I are born in May and thought it'd be cute. It is. The very fact that ACL made it to 1 May was cause for celebration and relief which is hilarious thinking back - even just 2 weeks later now. So with the May marker past, G was wondering if she would go into labour naturally but alas that did not happen and so it was off to doctor's at Mount E Novena to get "a ribbon" put down there to induce her.
2 May 2020. A restful day spent celebrating G's birthday. We woke up at in the morning to go for a walk a take some shots of her glorious uterus (from the outside) at Seletar West Link. The day felt surreal - not like counting down towards the rest of lives type surreal, more... the world is in the middle of a pandemic not seen in the last hundred years and here we are in this bubble, preparing for the birth of our first child, sorting out random admin stuff (MOM applications, measuring nipples, cleaning the toilet, fan, rooms) sort of surreal. Oh, and I was pretty tired cause of my visit to the upstairs neighbour on May 1st night/May 2nd early morning cause of the banging noises upstairs. #stfu. The doctor had actually asked to come on 3 May 12am but G decided to go in the morning instead because why would we go for an unnecessary (red eye). I didn't handle the change of plans at 8pm that day too well cause a) I was all set to go in already and b) sometimes I'm a nervous wreck.
Back to 3 May 2020. Boy, was it a restful sleep. I had actually changed the sheets the day before cause new baby new sheets, why not. The feeling of freshly laundered sheets against freshly bathed skin will always be one of my favourite feelings in the world. So with most of the admin rituals done the night prior, it was a straightforward shower, change, and leave the house routine. We were supposed to have breakfast but... I don't know... the anticipation probably dulled our need for food. I can't remember much about the journey to the hospital cause we'd taken that route a dozen times at least with the multiple check ups over the last 10 months. I do remember smiling a lot and playing "Parachutes" for baby ACL and telling G that this was going to be ACL's favourite band. I just played it to ACL last evening too to comfort her. I remember tearing for no particularly reason; maybe it was gratitude, maybe overwhelmed with love, I don't know. All I know was that I felt emotional. I still feel emotional.
We parked on the second level of MEN (as Parkway calls it), and proceeded to check in. I don't really know what hospitals will be like when I read this in the future, but we had to scan multiple QR codes indicating where we had been and who we had been in contact with before finally headed to the delivery "suites" - such a fancy name. Why not theatre of dreams? or house or horrors?
We had some G's leftover cake from the day before for breakfast (more on this later) and caught a Mount Elbrus expedition on Nat Geo. Dr Khoo really loves his TV - every time I see the dude, he reaches out for the nearest TV control and says there's something good to watch. Not sure if he's just trying to distract us or he just loves HBO. The "ribbon" is eventually inserted and we're told it takes 24 hours for some mothers to be induced (also corroborated by Web MD). Well, like most things in life, G is ahead of the curve and it hits her in 5.
So what have been doing these 5 hours? True to Lim + Tan family tradition - stuffing our faces obviously. G has requested for a late sandwich breakfast + lunch was served + said birthday cake. During this feasting extravaganza we were also rolled up to the wards on the 9th (?) floor where we would be spending our very special staycation. Odd things start happening after lunch when G starts complaining of pain. In my heart (and probably my face), I wonder if she's being overly dramatic but the pain slowly gets worse and worse. A text to the doctor and 2 nurse "bells" later, she gets a painkiller jab.
[Back to May 17 present day 434pm, I just changed ACL's diaper after a gigantic glorious yellow dump.]
We later find out that the painkiller jab would (i) cause vomiting (ii) cause the baby to be drowsy. Spoiler alert - both are true.
As G is in excruciating pain by now, the nurses prepare to wheel her back down to the delivery suites. In other circumstances, the mother can some times walk back down or take a wheelchair down. Not us though, the journey down is equal parts comical and terrifying as G vomits multiple times into a random plastic bag holding our medical records (records were saved, bag was not). I remember the nurse telling us that she gave G the "non-vomiting" version of the painkiller jab. Oh did you now? Anyway, it's game time and we are back in delivery suite - a different one from the morning I might add. This one had windows and some greenery outside for added privacy.
The painkillers were doing an average job keeping G's pain in check and she wanted/needed her epidural quickly. More worryingly - and the worrying hasn't really stopped - her contractions (because said ribbon was working so well) were becoming more and more intense. Each intense contraction was causing ACL's heart rate to drop really low (60+, normally she'd be in the range of 150). Nurses were trying to get the baby's heart rate back to a more acceptable level by moving G around from side to side to find a more comfortable position for both mother and daughter. I don't know what worked - the moving or the medication but eventually things stabilised. We later found out that if ACL's heart rate did not improve we would have had to go in for an emergency C section.
The delivery suite during actual crunch time (including the hours leading up labour) pass quickly as you'd expect but they're also bizarre in the sense that you have a cast of characters coming in and out of the room constantly. You have the doctor, the nurses, the anaesthetist. Added on to the fact that everyone's wearing masks (coronavirus), it gives the impression that you're in a live action play.
Actor 1: Anaesthetist - This guy did his job efficiently and calmly. We had interesting chats about freakin' property and how he's on call basically all the time, and how we screwed up his lunch (we had called him when his GrabFood arrived). I remember him speaking in this oddly calm "oral english" voice as if he were talking to his Sunday School kids. The actual epidural was over in about 10 minutes. I had to pull/hold G down with my arms so she wouldn't move as the epidural was administered in her spine. This was one of many experiences during ACL's birth that truly awakened me to the sheer damage and danger mothers go through to bring life into this world.
Actor(s) 2: Nurses - In the beginning they were faceless and floated around with intention. By the time ACL was delivered, G and I were filled with thankfulness for them - and in particular one nurse who had a strange name - Zai Wah? I remember thinking that the name felt simultaneously Chinese & Malay. Anyway I'm really glad she was there with us for the delivery.
Actor 3: Doctor Khoo - This guy showed us charts of how he was the top gynea by deliveries in KK Hospital when we first visited and it showed. Let's just say he got the job done. His gangster moves (a) breaking G's water bag with his fucking fingers (ii) shoving ACL out with his fists (iii) telling the nurses to chill out and not call the specialist after ACL was born when everyone was freaking out
We pushed for real at 5pm, 3 May. I hadn't expected to watch the whole thing. Like really watch it up close and personal. But I did. My memory of the delivery is hardly chronological, it's more of a collage of shocking, terrifying, amazing, beautiful moments just shoved together at once.
It was like an F45 special edition gym class with nurses, doctor, husband (me) counting to 10 as the mother takes an almighty breathing dump into the world. We'd count, she'd push. We'd count she'd push. Dr Khoo had a 2 step ladder that he used to aid G along with her pushes, pushing down from from the belly down. I was like - is this for real? It was bat shit crazy. The delivery suite is actually quite a large space and I think it emphasised how clinical everything felt. I came out of the experience wondering why hospital equipment can't be more "human" and "approachable". It's all neutral greys and stainless steel, it can feel oddly dehumanising - ironic considering where we were and what we were up to.
540pm. Baby ACL was born at 540pm according to nurses. I have no idea cause I wasn't looking at the clock. I guess tt adds up since we started the F45 class at 5pm. It's impossible to describe what the experience truly feels like. When the baby's head first pops out of the birth canal. Much earlier on, you can already begin to see the top of the head through the vagina - it's a truly awesome sight. ACL was blessed with a head full of hair when she was born and I could see her little baby head with the hairs more than an hour before her birth.
And then her head emerged from followed by a gush of everything else. I remember Dr Khoo telling G to open her eyes to look at her baby come out. She did not. I did. All I remember was seeing this purple alien emerge, so silent, so delicate, so innocent. She wasn't crying. There was blood everywhere. In that moment, I felt truly helpless. I couldn't do anything, and more importantly wasn't equipped for anything. Dr Khoo was furiously beating ACL's feet trying to get the colour into her, ACL was really quiet and took a long time to start whimpering. G started tearing, wondering if she did something wrong. She did not. In no universe would she ever have done something wrong in such a scenario. They had to put a tiny oxygen mask on her and rub her to get her warm. They sucked some of the fluids out of her nose so she could breathe more easily. And little by little, miraculously, her skin turned from purple to pink. All the while the doctors and nurses could only comfort us and tell us that everything was in order. I'm not quite sure it was but they were professional and ACL was safe, alive, and in this world with us.
I had imagined that I would tear up when I saw her come into this world but the circumstances made it impossible for me to "live in the moment". It really wasn't about me and I needed to make sure I was there and ready for both ACL and G no matter what.