oh the holidays...
This time of year has always been a pretty rough time for me. Not because of all the holiday shopping, or events and plans, but more because of life itself. This time of year has always brought heartbreak, stress, poverty, fights, all the things that shouldn't happen this time of year. As much as i try to go on pretending everything is all fine and peachy, it's not. It will be a very long time before things are "fine". Not even good, but fine. I don't really no many people who have been in similar predicaments. Yes we all have shit to deal with, but honestly, I would respect anyone with as much shit to worry about as I do right now.
Today was one of those days that I let my guard down and let it get to me. Hadn't really cried or shown real sadness in a while like I did, or almost did today. To top it off, it was at work. Working is really the only thing that keeps me going. Sadly enough, I'm not even working for myself. If I was, I would probably be alot happier, however it is not the case. Working in the mall is worst off all and kind of like a slap in the face when I think of all these fortunate people who can go out and purchase things for their loved ones, while some people as much as they'd like to do the same, can't because of the poor hand life has dealt them.
If you take one look at me, you'd probably think that nothing is wrong. Yes that goes for everyone, but it's not the same. I've heard shit people have gone through, are going through but in the end, I see my situation alot tougher. More so because of the young ones. All my life, even thou yes i grew up with a whole family; Mother, father, aunts, uncles. It's been nothing but a show. Nothing about it is real except for matching DNA. Which is why I can't let the same shit happen to them. As hard as it is, THEY are the ones who motivate me. I may not show it enough but I would give up my life for their happiness. It truly pains me to see them get denied something and I love the fact that they understand why they can't have it. More of the reason I try to do everything in my power to give it to them. However, as selfish it may be, I've often thought about how life would have been if they weren't around. I would most likely not be living at home and who knows if I actually would be this far in life as I am now.
That is my goal in life. To set them up and leave them at a place where I feel they can move on and proceed with their lives without me. I know I can't always be there for them, but I know how it feels to be completely alone. It's not an enjoyable experience. Mainly why I guess I keep everything inside and play of life like nothing matters. Another reason i do certain things I do. It's my momentary escape. My little vacation from myself and my mind. I know it's not anyone's fault, and yes I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but just once would I like to live a day and know that everything will be ok without having to worry about "will I lose something today" or "will something get shut off" or "did something happen to anyone" or "what problem am I going to face when I get home".
Sometimes, I think if I would've been better off with a different family. What would have happened if my aunt never saw me that day. Would I still be alive? What country would I be in? Maybe I would've never been gay or had to go through life hiding or modifying certain aspects of my life to fit in. I wonder what it would've been like to not have a family. I see some people's lives and as much as they complain, they don't realize how good they have it. I would trade places in a heartbeat. Times like these I wish I had someone to talk to about it. Like fully and in detail, however that person does not exist for me. Alas, I must move on. I'm glad I got some stuff out. I think I needed that today, despite the fact it happened at an inappropriate time. Tomorrow is another day, and Monday I can make it up to her.
~fin.
Today was one of those days that I let my guard down and let it get to me. Hadn't really cried or shown real sadness in a while like I did, or almost did today. To top it off, it was at work. Working is really the only thing that keeps me going. Sadly enough, I'm not even working for myself. If I was, I would probably be alot happier, however it is not the case. Working in the mall is worst off all and kind of like a slap in the face when I think of all these fortunate people who can go out and purchase things for their loved ones, while some people as much as they'd like to do the same, can't because of the poor hand life has dealt them.
If you take one look at me, you'd probably think that nothing is wrong. Yes that goes for everyone, but it's not the same. I've heard shit people have gone through, are going through but in the end, I see my situation alot tougher. More so because of the young ones. All my life, even thou yes i grew up with a whole family; Mother, father, aunts, uncles. It's been nothing but a show. Nothing about it is real except for matching DNA. Which is why I can't let the same shit happen to them. As hard as it is, THEY are the ones who motivate me. I may not show it enough but I would give up my life for their happiness. It truly pains me to see them get denied something and I love the fact that they understand why they can't have it. More of the reason I try to do everything in my power to give it to them. However, as selfish it may be, I've often thought about how life would have been if they weren't around. I would most likely not be living at home and who knows if I actually would be this far in life as I am now.
That is my goal in life. To set them up and leave them at a place where I feel they can move on and proceed with their lives without me. I know I can't always be there for them, but I know how it feels to be completely alone. It's not an enjoyable experience. Mainly why I guess I keep everything inside and play of life like nothing matters. Another reason i do certain things I do. It's my momentary escape. My little vacation from myself and my mind. I know it's not anyone's fault, and yes I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but just once would I like to live a day and know that everything will be ok without having to worry about "will I lose something today" or "will something get shut off" or "did something happen to anyone" or "what problem am I going to face when I get home".
Sometimes, I think if I would've been better off with a different family. What would have happened if my aunt never saw me that day. Would I still be alive? What country would I be in? Maybe I would've never been gay or had to go through life hiding or modifying certain aspects of my life to fit in. I wonder what it would've been like to not have a family. I see some people's lives and as much as they complain, they don't realize how good they have it. I would trade places in a heartbeat. Times like these I wish I had someone to talk to about it. Like fully and in detail, however that person does not exist for me. Alas, I must move on. I'm glad I got some stuff out. I think I needed that today, despite the fact it happened at an inappropriate time. Tomorrow is another day, and Monday I can make it up to her.
~fin.