Interesting...
So it's been wild-these past few months. I got married on August 10, 2012 and couldn't have asked for a better wedding-or groom- :) I guess I would have changed the annoying stratiform disaster that plagued the day, but I guess you can't have everything perfect. :)
In other news...possibly because of my migraine medicine-or perhaps I have time to think about things that make me sad, (i.e. my moms drinking, at a different nws office than the hubby)...I have fallen into what I can only describe as depression. I've never really been depressed before, even during times of frustration in the past. If I did, it was always temporary. This one seems like it will never end. It's driving me crazy. Another thing-it comes in waves. One minute I'm fine, then the next minute I'm sitting there with a huge weight on my chest. I feel like someone takes a dark blanket and throws it over my head and it's so heavy I cant get up. I can't see anything but negative. The only way to describe it is the feeling you got when you were 10 years old and you knew you did something wrong, and you have that knot in your stomach. My chest feels tight, and I feel suddenly like there is no air. And its causing me some severe issues. I know I've had A.D.D since I was young-I've always learned different than other people. BUT-this is ridiculous. I cannot focus on ANYTHING. I can't stop being anxious. I can't do anything right in my mind. I feel like my head is going to explode with panic. The worst part is-I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!!!!
I find myself just wanting to lay on the couch and eat. The only thing that makes me happy is when I'm with Amos. I'm the luckiest woman in the world to have married him. I don't feel like I deserve him because of what happened with Jimmy (2009). Its so weird-I think he knows me better than I know myself. I have never felt like this about anyone. I wish I could explain it-somehow I know he will love me no matter what-and it's not just because he thinks I'm attractive or something-he really sees me. Better than anyone else has. I feel like I don't have to hide when Im with him. Which is good-since I married him, after all. :) i just feel bad that I'm going through this weird funk and now he has to deal with me being emo all of the time. I try to hide it but its so hard. I wish I would starve myself instead of eating myself to death so that he wouldn't have a chubber for a wife. I was 146 on our wedding day, and here I am again, for the 20th time, back at 172. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!? IT's like i'm a psycho or something.
So-I finally get the nerve to go to a psychologist to talk about the depression/anxiety issues, and the possibility of getting some medicine for my A.D.D since I'm just plain exhausted after fighting it my whole life. The psych agreed I probably should be on medication for the A.D.D, so she sends me to a general physician to get tested, etc. I go to this doctor, and he says I'm just not sleeping right. Hmm. I'm not sleeping!? My whole life I haven't been sleeping?! So he gave me ambien. It is nice to get onto a normal schedule (by taking ambien) when I'm on morning shifts (The hardest shift of all for me)-but I don't think its doing shit for the lack of focus. He also told me to work out. I'm like-yea it will help. However-its not going to fix the problem. I've worked out for extended periods of time in my life (3 months to 1 year at a time in spurts) and I still couldn't focus. But he thinks since I've made it with 'moderate ADD' this far without meds I shouldn't start taking them. I'm like-ok. I'M DEPRESSED AND AM GOING TO HAVE AN ANXIETY ATTACK IF I CAN"T GET MY FUCKING WORK DONE! Work is becoming unbearable because I can't think when I'm there, and if I don't keep up my crazy ass pace of getting shit done (like I have since my sophomore year in college) I'm never going to get a promotion or get to the same office as my husband. I can't THINK anymore! I just want to punch that guy in the face I'm so mad at him. He said I was a type A personality in the office-which basically translates to-you're a psycho workaholic. So what! If I wasn't-I wouldn't have my job or be successful at all. Now that I'm older-I need a little F*ing help.
THe worst part is-I told my dad how frustrated I was and he told me that I just should not go to a therapist or take any medications because I'm fine. Typical. He also told me that nothing was going to make my mom stop drinking so I should just stop trying to help her. Which pisses me off and makes me so angry I could start throwing things at him. He always thinks hes right and he doesn't understand the concept of emotion. He's like "Just don't be sad and go be productive"...oh right, like I haven't already tried that.
Doesn't he understand that there is something wrong with me?! I don't even like things I used to like, which isn't normal, I can't stop eating (a lot), and I can't think anymore. Its like my body is powering DOWN. Grah!!! I don't know what the use of telling anyone my feelings is anymore, because its just going to get annoying (to everyone else) and no one understands anyhow.
OK! I'm done complaining. I was hoping maybe bitching to my LJ might help to alleviate the pressure but it really hasn't.
XxFetishaXx
In other news...possibly because of my migraine medicine-or perhaps I have time to think about things that make me sad, (i.e. my moms drinking, at a different nws office than the hubby)...I have fallen into what I can only describe as depression. I've never really been depressed before, even during times of frustration in the past. If I did, it was always temporary. This one seems like it will never end. It's driving me crazy. Another thing-it comes in waves. One minute I'm fine, then the next minute I'm sitting there with a huge weight on my chest. I feel like someone takes a dark blanket and throws it over my head and it's so heavy I cant get up. I can't see anything but negative. The only way to describe it is the feeling you got when you were 10 years old and you knew you did something wrong, and you have that knot in your stomach. My chest feels tight, and I feel suddenly like there is no air. And its causing me some severe issues. I know I've had A.D.D since I was young-I've always learned different than other people. BUT-this is ridiculous. I cannot focus on ANYTHING. I can't stop being anxious. I can't do anything right in my mind. I feel like my head is going to explode with panic. The worst part is-I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!!!!
I find myself just wanting to lay on the couch and eat. The only thing that makes me happy is when I'm with Amos. I'm the luckiest woman in the world to have married him. I don't feel like I deserve him because of what happened with Jimmy (2009). Its so weird-I think he knows me better than I know myself. I have never felt like this about anyone. I wish I could explain it-somehow I know he will love me no matter what-and it's not just because he thinks I'm attractive or something-he really sees me. Better than anyone else has. I feel like I don't have to hide when Im with him. Which is good-since I married him, after all. :) i just feel bad that I'm going through this weird funk and now he has to deal with me being emo all of the time. I try to hide it but its so hard. I wish I would starve myself instead of eating myself to death so that he wouldn't have a chubber for a wife. I was 146 on our wedding day, and here I am again, for the 20th time, back at 172. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!? IT's like i'm a psycho or something.
So-I finally get the nerve to go to a psychologist to talk about the depression/anxiety issues, and the possibility of getting some medicine for my A.D.D since I'm just plain exhausted after fighting it my whole life. The psych agreed I probably should be on medication for the A.D.D, so she sends me to a general physician to get tested, etc. I go to this doctor, and he says I'm just not sleeping right. Hmm. I'm not sleeping!? My whole life I haven't been sleeping?! So he gave me ambien. It is nice to get onto a normal schedule (by taking ambien) when I'm on morning shifts (The hardest shift of all for me)-but I don't think its doing shit for the lack of focus. He also told me to work out. I'm like-yea it will help. However-its not going to fix the problem. I've worked out for extended periods of time in my life (3 months to 1 year at a time in spurts) and I still couldn't focus. But he thinks since I've made it with 'moderate ADD' this far without meds I shouldn't start taking them. I'm like-ok. I'M DEPRESSED AND AM GOING TO HAVE AN ANXIETY ATTACK IF I CAN"T GET MY FUCKING WORK DONE! Work is becoming unbearable because I can't think when I'm there, and if I don't keep up my crazy ass pace of getting shit done (like I have since my sophomore year in college) I'm never going to get a promotion or get to the same office as my husband. I can't THINK anymore! I just want to punch that guy in the face I'm so mad at him. He said I was a type A personality in the office-which basically translates to-you're a psycho workaholic. So what! If I wasn't-I wouldn't have my job or be successful at all. Now that I'm older-I need a little F*ing help.
THe worst part is-I told my dad how frustrated I was and he told me that I just should not go to a therapist or take any medications because I'm fine. Typical. He also told me that nothing was going to make my mom stop drinking so I should just stop trying to help her. Which pisses me off and makes me so angry I could start throwing things at him. He always thinks hes right and he doesn't understand the concept of emotion. He's like "Just don't be sad and go be productive"...oh right, like I haven't already tried that.
Doesn't he understand that there is something wrong with me?! I don't even like things I used to like, which isn't normal, I can't stop eating (a lot), and I can't think anymore. Its like my body is powering DOWN. Grah!!! I don't know what the use of telling anyone my feelings is anymore, because its just going to get annoying (to everyone else) and no one understands anyhow.
OK! I'm done complaining. I was hoping maybe bitching to my LJ might help to alleviate the pressure but it really hasn't.
XxFetishaXx