Jun 30, 2007 01:31
dear grandpa.
its been a year and fifteen days since you left me and i don't think you realise how much i miss you. im sitting here trying my best not try cry because i miss you so much and i need you here more then you think. i miss hearing you say 'and there's my kate' everytime i walked into the house and i can't believe i didn't spend every day with you. if only i knew how much i'd miss you in the end.
things have gotten a little bit crazy down here lately. you remember my moms sister diane? my aunt di? yeah, she got diagnosed with colon cancer, then went into remission but they just found another lump. god, it just seems that it's one person after another anymore. mom's gotta have surgery soon, she's having cronic pains in her stomach again, they don't know whats up, so theyre taking a look inside. im really scared.
i haven't visted you lately and im really sorry. im just scared that when i visit you, you'll know im a big fake. i dont know where my life is going anymore, if its going anywhere. i feel like im doing the right thing but then im so scared im not. i dont have you anymore to tell me how things are going and to smarten up or to tell dad that you're so proud of me. i dont keep in contact with the people who i spent my high school life with, they don't seem to care that i exsist, but im not completely against that either. i think im slipping back into my depression and its driving me further and further away from everyone, again. i can sleep for 23 out of 24 hours again, i don't know how to tell someone, anyone that im scared and that i need help. i guess thats the lucas gene in me.
i feel like im going completely out of control and theres nothing going to stop me this time. the 14th came around and it was the worst day of my entire life, i can still picture you at the kitchen table telling me that i should eat some soup because it would be hair on my legs and i remember the last time i saw you there, so fraile and scared. i had to leave because i couldn't see my hero with that look in his eyes.
i miss you so much, if i had one wish it'd for you to come back to earth and be with me forever. i need you, we all need you. dad needs you especially. he doesn't show it but he misses you a lot too. everything's fine otherwise. i bought my first car, you'd be so proud of it and i would love to take you for a ride in it. we could drive anywhere you want, to the grocery store, to the bank, anywhere! it's red and its my pride and joy.
its almost two am, and i should probably go to bed and quit crying. i promise i'll come visit you soon because i miss you a lot and we have to talk. i have so much more positive things to tell you. i think you'll be really proud of me, gosh, i hope so anyways.
i love you & i miss you more then life.
your girl, kate.