this love is killing me, but you're the only one.[pt.1]
i'm normally a strong willed, hard headed person, but lately i've not been talking to someone who's been in my life for more than seven years & it's really beginning to be something thats hard to deal with. i keep thinking in the words of 'the take over, the breaks over' & it's something danielle quoted to me last night.
baby, seasons change but people don't & i'll always be waiting in the back room
and it's true. i want you & i to be okay, i want it all to fix itself. you said so that you think we're soulmates but you don't want another break up. i want to you to understand that it's about the willingness to be hurt and to hurt. take a deep breath and risk it, it might be worth it.
i just wanted to basically thank my friends for being my friends so here goes:
1. andrea - i don't know what it is but we've clicked ever since we met. we've had our off times & our good times & our really really bad times but we've bounced back & it shows that blood is thicker than water. cmc.
2. sarah - my friends now don't really know of you nor have they met you but you've been my best best best best best friend since grade nine in math class. you're the one who i'd stand up at your wedding, the one who i'd have you stand up in my wedding, the one who no matter what, its you & me until the very fucking end. i love you so much, you're my sister, my other half.
3. juice - i met you at alexa's house with steve and john. we're inseperable & no matter what we get each other. lately i haven't hung out with you as much & it really sucks. i want you to know that what you said the other day about never moving & when i said you're coming with me no matter what, when or where, i sincerly meant it.
4. tyloh - i've known you since you were in grade nine. we're two peas in a pod, to losers in a boat drifting off into nowhere. i get you & you get me. were going through the same thing at the same time. you're my rock.
5. mikey - boy, seriously you're such a diva & it gets on my nerves sometimes but regardless of the situation i know that no matter what decision or path i choose to take in life i know you'll be there to have my back, and i want you to know i've got yours too.
6. danielle - i met you through ryan kidd which is an awkward yet hilarious subject none the less. i'm extremely glad we've become friends because i see a lot of the things that you see. we're on the same eye level when it comes to people & it's really good to know that in the group of people that we hang out with i can always count on you & you can always count on me.
7. brandon - there has been so much history between you & i, that if i wanted to start writting it all down i wouldn't know where exactly to start. i love you so much even after all of the shit you've put me through & i'm not quite sure why i still do. i see so much potential in you as a person that i'm not so quick to give up on you. you are my whole heart, my first love, i can't give that up. you will always be special to me & all i really want is for you to be completely happy.
8. steff - you are amazing. i love our dance parties. you sing aqua and you love techno. i don't like the fact that you're getting into drugs but that's your choice. you already know i don't like it but i'm not going to stop being your friend because of it. you make me happy when you're drunk, it's so cute.
9. kelsi - 1/3 of the kkk. you are like my sister. i can't believe how close you and i have become. it's probably because of everything that we've been through in the past couple of months & im really glad that you moved from florida to be here even though it might have sucked in the end but it's getting better. i love you so much girl.
10. karly - the other 1/3 of the kkk. you are also like my sister, i've become so close to you too in the past couple of months that i seriously think if i lost you or kelsi i would stop breathing. you're like my sister, my drunken partner. i love you so much too.
11. caitlin - i met you through my res friends, and i knew about all the drama that happened. it was an odd way to meet someone through drama but i'm really glad i did meet you. you've become what i would call one of my good friends & someone that i really wouldn't want to lose.
12. tyler(ex)braebrook - you are one crazy kid. i met you through caitlin officially but i had seen you play in belleville in your old band before. i seriously think that you & jesse mccartney are twins seperated at birth & it would be a sick reunion if it ever happened. we've had some really sick hangouts in the past & it's exciting to know that there's more of that in the future.
13. johnny jew - you're the definition of fun. i love you more then life, seriously. you are always so happy & upbeat. you're so awesome, i hope no one ever hurts you again because i seriously don't ever want to hear you crying on my answering machine again. i'm so glad you're in my life.
14. shayne - i met you through brandon and we've been so close ever since. we were going to make smores one night but we had a random trip to kingston for reasons unspeakable. you are the one i turn to, to talk about the drama & heartbreak in my life. i've been through two fucked up relationships & you were always there to hear me cry my eyes out on phones over boys. you are my backbone.
15. gillian - i met you through the guys from the flood. you're a pretty sick girl, you are crazy & happy, i love it so much. i'm so glad we met, you're a really, really awesome person & you always make my moods go through the roof to make me so happy. we're gonna go apartment hunting soon!
16. hailey - i used to spend every summer day with you, falling asleep on trampolines & spending 36 hours awake. my best memory of you is watching the quest for the holy graile and then not realising that it had two disc's and wondering why the hell there was such an odd ending. i barely talk to you anymore, and i feel like i've lost a part of me.
17. steve - whoever you are, i love you. steve or justin, you are a really awesome guy & i know that we've had our problems & fights over stupid shit but i remember one summer night when you came to me with the trust of a secret and told me whats up. i'm glad i've got that trust in you. you've got that in me too.
18. coleman - you live in toronto & the majority of your time is spent working on your band which is a really awesome thing. you're an amazing person inside & out. i love who you are & you're one of the people who i talk so highly of. i would have your back no matter what because of the talks that you & i have had. you could easily be an asshole & treat girls like shit but you don't & you have so much respect for people it's amazing. it's such a beautiful thing. you're one of the people that i hold in such high regard & i love you so much. i'm glad we became friends on that random summer afternoon outside of the irish hall & went on a random drive. i hope you think the same of me.
19. zane - ive never met you in person, but you're one of those people that i've met through the internet & talk to constantly. everyone has one of those people & you're mine & i'm happy that it's you. i've known you for so long & i've told you pretty much everything about me & vice versa. i've got this unspoken trust in you that is something i can't even explain. i'm glad you're in my life, through the internet or not.
20. jeff - i've known for you maybe like 2 or 3 months at best but in those two months i think we've become pretty close. i've stuck my neck out for you & your band a lot lately & so far it's been a really good experience. you're an amazing person, with an even better heart & that's so comendable these days. i'm really glad i met you & that you're in my life.
21. matt - you're right, you're the laziest kid i've ever known as of yet & i know a lot of people so that's saying something. just like jeff i've known you for about 2 months now & in those two months we've become pretty close as well. you're a cool kid, our styles don't mesh that well because i'm really high strung & you're really laid back but whatevz, you're still a sick dude that rips his boxers on trailers & gets told to smoke crack every day. haha. i'm glad i've met you for sure.
22. dick narling - you're the empitome of the word emo. you make my life, especially since i've seen the video of you drop kicking the door in res & you falling to the floor like a goof. aha. then john trying to replicate that was nothing in comparison to your drop kick. i'm glad i've met you, you're the one kid i can count on to wear chilli pepper pj pants & make my life.
23. matt murder - i dont care if i know your last name for real or not, you're going to be murder for the rest of your life. you're a whore, not a doubt about it but you spent a couple nights at my house & we've been drunk more times then i can count on my right hand together. we've had some crazy adventures together. your first time down here with me you saw a hold up, mike crash into a snow bank & we're jumping all over my cupboards for alcohol. you taught eric gibbs how to hardcore dance at 5am in tim hortons and he fell flat out on his face. it was sick.
24. chris chaos - i met you & instantly fell in love. it was in the line up to see the cancer bats & the gorgeous in kingston. okay, so i'm really not in love with you i just think you're really hot but every girl does so it's cool if i admit it. whatevs, it's all good. you're awesome & we know a lot of the same people in oshawa, we hate a lot of the same too. i dub you metal face.
25. drew - i dub you metal face 2. you're awesome. you're not even a pro and you pierced my other bite amazing. i owe you my life.
26. geoff gorgeous - you burst my personal space bubble but it's still cool. all i have to say is, how's your cunt?
27. marc - i met you through johnny oc and you turned out to be a pretty sick dude. i was stoked that you called me out of the blue the other day for no apparent reason. it's sick to know that even though you're on tour with xliferuinerx right now you're still thinking of me. i miss you, when you come back we're chillin.
28. nick - oh god nick, you are so funny to me. i seriously expect something epic from you other than the fact that you make a lot of 'sangwiches'. i'm stoked i met you through coleman & rosettas stone. it was awesome the nick you guys crashed here. you told me the best story of life the other day when you went to taco bell & pop sprayed everywhere on you & then your dog farted under your desk. i laughed really hard, you always seem to brighten my day.
29. jordan - the fact that you get drunk as shit off two beers is pretty sick. you bought a bubble machine & had bubble parties. i wasn't invited but whatevs, i still think you're pretty sick. we've had some pretty good drunken times together & i wouldn't change it for the world.
30. caitlin callaghan - if you asked me two years ago who i thought i wouldn't be speaking to after i walked out of those high school doors the first name to leave my mouth would have been yours. it's so weird because now were so close & i come to you with a lot of stuff. you've been there through thick & thin, & i would be there for you no matter what. i will stand up at your wedding if you want me to be.
31. darlene - you were my twin in highschool, we were attached at the hip like every day. same classes, same interests & everything. it was intense. you are still one of the closest people that i stay in touch with from high school. i would stand up at your wedding if you wanted me to, too.
for anyone that i've missed, note the part one in the beginning of this blog.