the best part of believe is the 'lie'.
they say the best part of believe is the lie, and for years now i've been doing just that. i've lied to myself over and over again, and i've been in denial. for those of you who know me well, i don't really get along with my dad. he and i don't really see eye to eye. we have different views on a lot of things - such things like race, politics, sexual orientation, interracial dating, environmental topics.. stuff like that. the biggest thing we don't see eye to eye on is his drinking. ladies and gentlemen, my father, is an alcoholic.
he has been all his life, ever since i can remember. the first step of AA is to acknowledge you have a problem. i'm not the one with the problem, but i feel like i've been denying it for years now. i don't even feel particularly well announcing it either, but i really can't afford a shrink and words are so much easier through a computer screen.
my father has a drinking problem, a problem that starts from the minute he gets home after work and doesn't end until supper starts. my father always has a beer in his hand at any chance he gets. he will drink in the morning after a couple coffees, until he goes to sleep or passes out on the couch. for years i've acknowledged this as maybe dad just likes the brown bottle, but in recent years i've come out of my denial and realised that it's not just an inclining, it's an addiction.
the drinking has inevitably gotten worse as the days, months and years pass by. his drinking has slowly started to tear apart my family because he doesn't want to recognize he has a problem, nor does he want to help himself. he thinks that everything is okay the way it is. the true in the matter is that, it's not and it hasn't been for years.
my mother feels as if she's stuck in a dead end marriage but doesn't have the guts to end at 30 year marriage because she feels as if she's put far too much into it to let it go. i feel like i'm trapped because i can't lose my mom nor can i leave my little brother behind. my brother on the other hand chooses to ignore the whole situation and sit in his room and play video games - everyone has their vice i suppose.
the worst part in recognizing all of this is that, even though im young, i'm starting to recognize the same disease in myself, and i really have no idea how or where to start to stop it. i don't want to become straight edge, but i don't want to end back where i started years from now.
people don't understand why i don't drink often and why i get upset when i see certain people i care about a lot travelling down the same road.
quiet frankly, i don't know what to do.