Heres my letter to you:
" My eyes look all around but all they can focus on is you for in you i find me....... "
Preface: You, dear reader, will probably percieve this the wrong way. You probably wont understand. You will probably read this and be so out of touch with it that you'll lose track of what you're reading. You will comprehend my words with their simple definitions, but you will not comprehend my feeling. No matter what you say, you have not "felt what I feel", nor do you know "exactly what I mean." What you may seem to think Im writing about is felt differently by every single heart, soul, and mind. These are nothing but words to you. Words written with lack of punctuation and grammar, and quite possibly beauty as well, but to me they are everything. This is written to him, not you, to define this emotion. A new emotion, that I have of which I have not been able to find words that can be mixed together, in brevity, to describe it perfectly. Of which, no poem, as hard as I try and try and fail, will ever be able to put it just right. He knows who I am. He created me, and in me he sees more and more of himself showing, just as I see it. This is to him. The only one that maybe, just maybe will understand.
Dear ________,
Every day you bring me down. You bring me down. You bring me down and I think you enjoy it.
You came to see me. Treated me like you always have, such a sweetheart. You had the same glazed over twinkle, of what I thought was love, in your eyes. I guess thats just how you are with every girl you meet. You have sense of natural seduction thats hard for any and ever girl to look past. You dont know how to treat girls who are just friends as friends and at the same time you dont know how to treat girls that love you, maybe you love too, as if they mean everything to you. Ive kind of always wondered what itd be like to see true love from you. If this is how you treat me now, in person, I cant imagine how godly youd treat me if you were in love with me. Ive kind of always wondered how you treat other girls as I turn my back for a moment. Do you kiss their cheek, embrace them? Wondering is all I can do, but there is one thing I know for sure. You have me here loving you, and I know you care, too. You cant deny that we have an amazing connection, that you, nor I have, or will have, will anyone else. I cant deny it either, even if I tried. (but believe me love, believe me. I have tried with all my power to forget how I feel when you're around, because of course its hard to sit and tell yourself to get over someone while still believing theres something amazing within "us.") Its not easy, what we've gone through, we've probably fought more than any newlywed couple, yet its been almost 6 months babe. 6 months is a long time, especially for you and I. Lets face it, I dont think we're the type of people who are ready to commit to someone, at our young ages, and be tied down for month after month. I know this of you, for sure, and I am learning it of me as well. If it wasnt for you I'd still be hopping from crush to crush, from relationship to relationship, but love has given me deep philosiphical thoughts on being alone vs. being with someone who's an amazing person, but just not right for me. Id never been in love until I met you, this amazing guy with a few faults. Your big heart, emotional dependancy, and mood swings are what break you. They are your weaknesses, your achilles' heel, but the words that Ive grown to live by have taught me to love you even for your imperfections. "Love isnt about finding the perfect person, but seeing the imperfect person perfectly" and in my eyes you've always been perfect. You were, are, and always will be my first love. You'll never be able to live it down. Yes, I admit I said this to another, telling him the exact same thing, but he, sure enough, lived it down. It was because he was I did not love him like I thought I did, where as with you, I know I do. I feel it in my bones. With every embrace of his, touch of his, he did no fill my every want and need, where as you, with just the sliding of a finger across my cold skin, makes me feel a sense completion, a sense of being at home, and loved. Ive never had something going this long. Nor have you, from what youve told me. Doesnt that mean something, anything to you? You're not ready to committ to me. You're convinced there is no point. You cant be happy, anyhow. You dont love me, you dont love anyone. There is no hope. There is no light.You used to love me, and believed you did as sure as the sun shines. Those were the days of my life that I'll never forget. Those were the words that made me give you everything.
Now you're lost, I see it now, but I havent quite figured out why you go and tell people you "love them." "marry me." You say this to many people. I hate your lies. Your lies? Maybe its the only way you find comfort. You live in a world of dreams. Youre just like me, love... you're just like me, but sometimes we have to face reality. You're caught up in what you're telling yourself. You bring yourself down far too much. I dont understand why I live in a dream world of happiness, where as yours are meloncholy demands and opinions that you do not realize your own conscience makes up, and you're sorrow, youre pessimism, are leaving me alone. You're leaving me all alone, to fend for myself, in a world Im not ready to fight by myself. I still need your hand to guide my way, I am but a child. Now you've forced yourself into looking past it. You cannot see, and thats how you want it. Afer all, the blind fear less then the seeing, for they arent left with sights of horror or pain. They can feel it, but they could inflict it without a bit of remorse because they dont see the pain they cause, but you are the oxygen in which I breathe. You cannot leave me in this place of purgitory in constant impatientness and uneasiness.
I need you. I need you to save me. I flat out "need" you to survive. Im dying without you. Its true, just look at me. People die from lost love, brokenhearts, everyday. You saw what youve done, you saw the look in my eyes as you tried to look into them. I was so embarassed at what Ive become, I couldnt even look you at you straight. When you kissed my cheek, I wanted to turn to kiss you back, but I believe my lips have grown to cold for the beauty of your soft cheek. You said I looked sick & sad, that I looked like Ive lost weight. Its the truth. As much as I want to say its not your fault, its what you do when youre absent from my life. I understand that maybe your emotions are beyond your control, but your anger, your sorrow, drove you to hurt me, to take it out on me, to make you feel better. Its because you know I'd stay. Its because you know that no matter what you say to me I'll always be there for you. So you speak to me with words that only the strongest can withstand. You know Im strong, but for you, I am weak. I am independant, but you make me need you. Its these thoughts, these cold words that bring me down. You're making me sick. You're making me die. You're becoming my murderer. Your love, as Ive written in many of my poems, is my oxygen that flows through my veins. My heart is breaking little by little. Each fight is another blow to the chest, another cut on the wrist. Im loosing blood, my heart is slowing. My stomach churns at every thought of you and holes are burning deeper and deeper no longer allowing me to eat the food I need to be nourished. I sleep to hide from the world, and reality, living in my lucid dreams, but Ive found that you've taken even that from me. I sleep, but I am concious. I lack the part inside me that turns off my senses and lets me feel rested when I wake. Falling asleep takes hours. Waking up takes hours. and in between I still get no sleep. My eyes are darkened, showing this lack of sleep. People have began to notice that Im not quite the same. As well as you. Fix me. Fix what youve created. Im bleeding out.. Im loosing sleep... I dont know how much longer Ill be able to breathe... "Daddy dont let her die"...
You dont have to be afraid. I know there someone, something; sometimes, deep inside you that truely loves me. All you have to do is set it free. Remember who you are when youre in my arms. Ill never hurt you. Ill never let you down. Just be in love, Ill take care of you. Ill catch you as you fall. I promise Ill never let you go. Ill never let you hurt. Ill never let you be alone. You wont be alone, Ill be there forever if you just let me into your heart. As my last dying wish, Ill wish for you to feel as I do, not forever, but a moment. Just let me make you happy. Well...not make you, but teach you, rather. Let me teach you what it is to feel this way. Dont take for granted what you can have. Dont look past these sacrifices I have willingly made all for you. If this is not what you want, Im afraid that in the end you will regret it as its held gratefully in the hands of someone not so perfect, but someone who welcomes it. I will not love them, but I will give them love. I love you. I love you forever babe.
Love, Lindsay
" ........Farewell my friend your time has come and never will i be able to tell you i love you again. "