New journal layout
I'm in a bad mind-set.
I really enjoy print making now that I've found new ways to go about it. I think I enjoy anything that works with layers, like painting, photoshop, print making, and anything else with layers. I don't know. Maybe because you can build things up endlessly. That could be why I never finish anything though.
I really don't enjoy baltiking. I was making chops to do a baltik, and I don't know. I'm just nto goo at things like that. Clay and I don't get along.
I dislike all of the psychiatrists I've come across, too. It's just...I don't know, I've felt so uncomfortable around all of them. I saw one today and he upped my meds and I want to be off my fucking meds. I'm sick of meds. I don't take them anyways, but it's just annoying pretending to take them so my mother will be off my back. Heh.
I'm sick of meds, I'm sick of psychiatrists, I'm sick of telling my life story over and over and fucking over. I'm sick of talking about how I did a lot of drugs and had a bad trip then got sent away. I'm sick of remembering my bad trip that fucked up so much. I'm sick of day dreaming about everything I saw. But I still think about it atleast once a day. It's like...I've fucked up. I've fucked up a lot. I've lost pretty much everyone. I'm lucky I still have Ben, he was the one on the phone with me while I was tripping, he drove 2 hours there and back to visit me in Portsmouth, he drove an hour there and back to visit me in Waltham twice. He puts up with my mood swings. He puts up with my relapses.
He knows everything. He knows everything about me. He knows more than anyone how badly I've fucked up, but he still loves me. I get lost with him. When I'm with him I still get triggered, and I still get sad, but I know that someone's with me who cares and isn't bullshit. I want to get lost in him. I want ot make my art, while he makes his music, and be satisfied. I want us to be satisfied. I want to dance the night away with him at Club Hell. I want to try on clothes in Bedlam and dance around like an idiot. I want to walk along Thayer Street in Providence a million more times. I want to make out in random places we can hide. I want to stay up all night talking, even crying. I want to spend days with him at a time. I want ot find new bands with him. I want to bury my head in his chest. I want to fuck and I want to make love. I want to make fun of him and be made fun of. I want to laugh with him. When we're in college I want to live with him. I want a decorated apartment. I want to live in a wonderful city and be in the goth scene. I want to live in Providence (but he wont go to school in Providence so that may be later). I want to be beautiful. I want to be intelligent. I want to be worth noticing. I want to be a model. I want to be a goth/fetish model. I want to be on SuicideGirls or ManicJane. I want my poetry to be published. I want to own a store like Bedlam. I want to see every band I love in concert. I want to know everyone in the area, I want to be known. I want to be a bartender at a club. I want a walk-in closet. I want an awesome wardrobe. I want to have another little girl. I want to name her Rain. Or if I have a boy I want to name him Christian. Both names have significance to them. I want to get away from this place. I want to start over. I want ot start over someplace new with Ben. I want to be perfect.
I want too much. I'll never be satisfied because I want too much. I'm sure everyone else can relate. I know I'm not alone in this because everyone wants more than they can have. Is it greed and gluttony or just a competition with the rest of the human race?
My mind is racing.
My new layout is a picture of Sascha K from KMFDM. I did a bunch fo shit with that pictures. I fucked with the colors, I cut him out of the picture using a polygonal lasso and pasted him back in as a new layer. That way I could sharpen him, blur the background, and put the text behind him and infront of the background. So yeah. I tlooks cool. I did a lot more shit to it but I don't feel like going into details. Also, the comment links are form the song Preach/Pervert on their album Attak. <3 Raymond Watts.
This is the original of my background image
I really enjoy print making now that I've found new ways to go about it. I think I enjoy anything that works with layers, like painting, photoshop, print making, and anything else with layers. I don't know. Maybe because you can build things up endlessly. That could be why I never finish anything though.
I really don't enjoy baltiking. I was making chops to do a baltik, and I don't know. I'm just nto goo at things like that. Clay and I don't get along.
I dislike all of the psychiatrists I've come across, too. It's just...I don't know, I've felt so uncomfortable around all of them. I saw one today and he upped my meds and I want to be off my fucking meds. I'm sick of meds. I don't take them anyways, but it's just annoying pretending to take them so my mother will be off my back. Heh.
I'm sick of meds, I'm sick of psychiatrists, I'm sick of telling my life story over and over and fucking over. I'm sick of talking about how I did a lot of drugs and had a bad trip then got sent away. I'm sick of remembering my bad trip that fucked up so much. I'm sick of day dreaming about everything I saw. But I still think about it atleast once a day. It's like...I've fucked up. I've fucked up a lot. I've lost pretty much everyone. I'm lucky I still have Ben, he was the one on the phone with me while I was tripping, he drove 2 hours there and back to visit me in Portsmouth, he drove an hour there and back to visit me in Waltham twice. He puts up with my mood swings. He puts up with my relapses.
He knows everything. He knows everything about me. He knows more than anyone how badly I've fucked up, but he still loves me. I get lost with him. When I'm with him I still get triggered, and I still get sad, but I know that someone's with me who cares and isn't bullshit. I want to get lost in him. I want ot make my art, while he makes his music, and be satisfied. I want us to be satisfied. I want to dance the night away with him at Club Hell. I want to try on clothes in Bedlam and dance around like an idiot. I want to walk along Thayer Street in Providence a million more times. I want to make out in random places we can hide. I want to stay up all night talking, even crying. I want to spend days with him at a time. I want ot find new bands with him. I want to bury my head in his chest. I want to fuck and I want to make love. I want to make fun of him and be made fun of. I want to laugh with him. When we're in college I want to live with him. I want a decorated apartment. I want to live in a wonderful city and be in the goth scene. I want to live in Providence (but he wont go to school in Providence so that may be later). I want to be beautiful. I want to be intelligent. I want to be worth noticing. I want to be a model. I want to be a goth/fetish model. I want to be on SuicideGirls or ManicJane. I want my poetry to be published. I want to own a store like Bedlam. I want to see every band I love in concert. I want to know everyone in the area, I want to be known. I want to be a bartender at a club. I want a walk-in closet. I want an awesome wardrobe. I want to have another little girl. I want to name her Rain. Or if I have a boy I want to name him Christian. Both names have significance to them. I want to get away from this place. I want to start over. I want ot start over someplace new with Ben. I want to be perfect.
I want too much. I'll never be satisfied because I want too much. I'm sure everyone else can relate. I know I'm not alone in this because everyone wants more than they can have. Is it greed and gluttony or just a competition with the rest of the human race?
My mind is racing.
My new layout is a picture of Sascha K from KMFDM. I did a bunch fo shit with that pictures. I fucked with the colors, I cut him out of the picture using a polygonal lasso and pasted him back in as a new layer. That way I could sharpen him, blur the background, and put the text behind him and infront of the background. So yeah. I tlooks cool. I did a lot more shit to it but I don't feel like going into details. Also, the comment links are form the song Preach/Pervert on their album Attak. <3 Raymond Watts.
This is the original of my background image
