(no subject)
So, it's official. My mom got her test results back from the hospital last night, and she does in fact have a heart condition. So, basically she's in a LOT of pain and her doctor asked her from 1 being the lowest and 10 being highest how much does it hurt? And she said, 14. And my mom is totally not the type to be paranoid and say something she doesnt mean, so that means it really does hurt. So, apparently her heart is going to shut down slowly but surely.. and we don't know when or why but we just know that it's not good and well we just have to prey from here on. I'm really scared, I can't even begin to imagine life without my mom.. even if we don't have the BEST relationship.. I always thought that I would die befor her. I mean.. who thinks about there mothers dying when your so young? I really don't know what I am going to do or what I am suppose to be feeling. I am scared, pissed off, hurt, I feel abandond almost. She hasnt even died yet and I am already expecting the worst. I don't see how anything GOOD can come out of this. I almost don't even wan't to go on my trip now because ever since I bought the ticket I have this horrible feeling that she's going to pass while I am gone. How shitty would that be? I feel horrible. But, I can't really think of myself at a time like this.. I mean.. I'm not her and I can't even think of what she's feeling right now. She's so scared and she still has to go to work everyday and work her ass off just to pay the bills. God damnit I need her.