feelin free
the funeral on tuesday turned out to be sad (as expected) but it was just so beautiful. i dont even want to describe it because ill interpret it wrong and ruin my memory of how i truly felt.
i came back to school on wednesday and started crying in my first class and i couldnt stop, not only because of the funeral, because of just so many things that have been weighing me down. im scared of love, im scared of losing him. im scared of ruining relationships with people who have meant a lot a to me in the past, im scared that if i dont get my act together in school, ill be screwed over for the rest of my life, im scared of not meaning something to someone, and im scared of death itself. i want to go to heaven, but what if theres just nothing at all...as if our souls just disapeared..what if there ISNT a better place? :\ i dont even know what im trying to say...i guess i just got really upset that maybe my life isnt worth anyone's care/attention/love and thats its not as meaningful and special as i have hoped it to be. yeah im young but im sick of it.
today turned out a little better. ive been doing a little bit more work and getting some things done. i feel good about that. but ive been so extremely tired and i cant ever just bring myself to make it a point to get to bed at a decent hour.
phil is coming here tomorrow morning. that boy is one of a kind. and yeah, im pretty sure i love him...i cant really explain that right now. its way complicated and i dont want to get into that subject. hah
this weekend ill be at kts--my parents are leaving tomorrow at noon. im going to stay afterschool w/kt, lindsey & phil. his dad is getting us...then we are off to katies...then whereever the day takes us.
katie and i have to do xmas shopping on saturday. for right now, im just going to focus on phils gift. ill only have like $60. i think im going to try and get more..."i have no idea" what he is getting me soo yeah this will be tricky. : |
Ive just come to the realization that xmas is coming up REALLY soon. wtf. im screwed i need to buy like 20 things.
oh yeah. what do i want for xmas from my parents..?
ugh. 2 more weeks of school, i cant wait for xmas break. <3