A Beautiful World
Originally written on: March 2005
Pairing: Lantis x Eagle, Lantis x Hikaru
Rating: R-ish
Warning: Suicide
This is something I wrote back in 2005, and transported here since I've started using LJ. It's a fanfiction of Magical Knight Rayearth by Clamp, my one and only.
Hmm... Now looking back, it seems a bit cheesy at parts, but I've no intention to change anything. Part of the memory, after all.
…………………………………………………….
A Beautiful World
…………………………………………………….
It had been three years, three whole years that I was unable to look at the world through my own eyes. Therefore, I had absolutely no idea what to expect. Time is a skilled craftsman that can reshape the world if left long enough.
Now, letting the first rays of light pierce through my eyelids, I let my eyes adjust to the brightness before inching them open.
A beautiful panorama presented itself into my sight. Cephrio was a paradise. The atmosphere itself was a display box for crystals, all sparkling in the warm sun, and the clear waters spilled form the graceful edges of land, into the pool of startling cerulean below. Lush green plains stretched on, gradually deepening in color, tuning into a forest far away. The land was vibrant and full of life.
This was what I dreamt of as a kingdom, and I believed my sacrifices were wroth it, if only Autozam could be like this.
"How are you feeling, Eagle? Is everything working fine?" the gentle voice of Clef rang out behind me, and I turned, excepting familiar faces. But none of them was what I remembered to be. Time had left its mark, the extra years of accumulated wisdom shining in their eyes. Ferio was much talker; Ascot less bashful; Fuu even more gentle than before; Umi sparkling with life; Primera was louder; Cleft wiser; Preasea warmer; and even Mokona had become bouncier.
But what struck me most was Hikaru and Lantis. In the tree years, Hikaru had grown from a girl to a woman. I could see not just physically, but mentally as well. The determination was still in her eyes, but its harsh edges were covered by a light touch of melancholy and temperance, polished out with time. She was smiling like a flower in full bloom.
Lantis, on the other hand, changed as well, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. It was his eyes, I think from which I saw that he was holding back his true self. It was as if he had put on a mask, and built a wall around his heart, and I could no longer tell what he was feeling - something I used to do effortlessly. He was standing beside Hikaru.
Everything had changed. The others had been going on with their lives while I remained stagnant for three years, so just exactly how much did I miss out on? Would I ever be able to make up for that time and fit in again?
I swept over the familiar, yet strange faces in front of me, and my heart was seized with fear and uncertainty. My gaze lingered a second longer on Lantis' visage, and I found myself looking at a total stranger. Although he was smiling, his eyes were no longer warm; although he looked the same, he was no longer the Lantis I knew, the Lantis that belonged to me.
Despite these, I laughed cheerfully and said, "I'm finally back. It's good to see everyone again."
With that, the ladies burst into rapture, flocking around me to deliver their welcomes while the men stood by with amused grins. Suddenly, I felt a warm weight on my head, and stared up to see the round, white form of Mokona making itself comfortable in my hair.
"Welcome back, Eagle!" It chirped with its unique bouncy voice, "Everybody's been waiting for you to wake up! Now we can finally hold the wedding! Mokona wants to eat the wedding cake!"
I froze, the warmth I felt moments ago with the greetings completely vanished. "What wedding . . . ?"
Scanning the crowd, I was met with the blushign faces of Umi, Fuu and Hikaru. My heart sopped dead.
"A wedding! Three weddings! For Umi and Ascot, Fuu and Ferio, and Hikaru and Lantis! They've been engaged for ages, but they, especially Hikaru, persisted that the wedding would never be the same without you, therefore we waited . . ."
The rest of Mokona's sentence became a blur, along with my sight, the people and surroundings, as the pounding of my heart resounded like the calls of death inside my head, overriding everything. My lunges ached; it was hard to breathe. My heart throbbed and bled as if thorn to pieces, but it wouldn't stop pounding, wouldn't stop the sound form crashing through my body, threatening to burst through me from inside out. Whey wouldn't' it stop! Whey did it hurt so much!
Why . . . Why did Lantis . . .
"Eagle! Are you all right?" Frantic voices called out, and someone was shaking me . . .i opened my eyes once more and saw Hikaru's anxious face in front of me. Her eyes shone with concern that turned into the arrows of guilt, striking into my heart.
"I . . . I'm fine . . ." I forced out with a weak attempt to smile, "just a little dizzy . . ." I buried my head in my hands, pretending to be massaging my temples, when in fact I could no longer meet Hikaru's eyes. I feared of her detecting the resentment and jealousy in my eyes; I feared of the guilt she was making me bear.
"Oh, I'm so sorry," she said apologetically, "we shouldn't have bothered you so much when you just woke up. We'll go now, and please, take a good rest and we will visit you again, later." And she retreated away quietly with the others.
Lantis was the last one out. In the now deadly silent room, I watched the end of his cloak that trailed onto the ground sweep to the door, and whispered, "Congratulations, Lantis."
"Thank you." He replied politely, formally, before pulling the heavy doors shut behind him.
A bitter chuckle escaped my lips as I sank to the ground. In my eyes, they were the strangers, but in their eyes, I was the unrecognizable one, because in the three years, I had totally walked out of their lives. I might as well be non-existent in those years. Out of sight, out of mind; even if there were memories, they had melted into the shadows.
It was only natural for Lantis to treat me coldly. It was only natural of him to move on and marry Hikaru. No, not move on, he had never stopped for me. Not in Autozam, not in Cephiro, not now, not ever . . .
I was despicable for being jealous of Hikaru. She had saved my life, saved me from my selfish actions before and taught me the meaning of life. How could I be jealous of her? What right did I have to do so?
But even so . . . even so I could not control myself. I knew that if I hated her, hated someone as pure as she, then nobody would deserve my hate as much as myself. And I would become nothing but a monster filled with hatred . . .
I didn't want to be jealous; I didn't want to hate. I didn't want Hikaru to cry; I didn't want to see Lantis sad. Even if the seedlings of hate were already in my heart, let then be buried forever. I would always protect the people precious to me, and let them continue living in this paradise, not the darkness that had started to spread in my heart.
At least let me do this to redeem my sins.
I closed my eyes and let the thoughts seep away before standing up and striding confidently to the door, even though with each step, my heart was thrust once and again into a pit of knives.
All the people were in the grad hall, chatting animatedly when I walked in. I stood by the doorway, feeding on the happiness that radiated from them, but that only served to contrast more with how I felt, and once more, I realized just how happy they could still be even if I was not around. I watched as Lantis patted Hikaru on the head, smiling, and I took a step away from the joyful scene automatically, attempting to get away before the flames of darkness totally overpowered me.
But Fuu had already noticed me. "Ah, Eagle, are you feeling better now?" she asked gently. I smiled wanly and nodded.
"That's great!" Umi exclaimed, "We were just talking about the wedding arrangements. We all agreed on you being the best man, what do you think? Clef will be the priest, Preasea the maid of honour, and Mokona and Primera the ring-bearer and flower girl respectively. All the people we know from all four planets will be invited. It'll be fantastic!"
"I would love to be the beat man!" I replied, laughing along with them, and drowning myself in the
devastating happiness.
…………………………………………………….
It was after dinner, while I was walking back to my room, when the most unexpected and unthinkable thing happened in my life.
A figure flashed pass me, grabbed my hand and started running with a speeds o shocking that before I knew it, we had stopped, I was pressed against a wall, and had totally failed to notice who my abductor was.
And then, he kissed me. Fully, forcefully, passionately.
My head spun, and I pushed feebly against him, but none of my strength seemed to come to me. There was something extremely familiar about his person that made my knees go weak, that made me breathless, that . . .
"Lantis . . ." I murmured when we finally parted, and I had unconsciously clutched my hands into the fabric of his cloak. My head fell, as I couldn't bear to look at him to confirm my suspicions, because I was afraid. I was afraid of what I would do . . .
"I'm . . . sorry, Eagle . . . for treating you so coldly . . . earlier on . . ." his words were slurred, as if it took a great effort on his part to get them coherent. He leaned down, resting his forehead against mine, and with his ragged breathing, the reek of alcohol wafted into my nose.
Lantis was drunk. If my heart had just been held up by fear and nervousness, then, in that moment of realization, it had just plummeted form the zenith to nadir. It was supposed to be with relief, but somewhere along the way, it was replaced by disappointment, and I found my heart shattered by the plunge all the same.
"I'm sorry . . . It's just that I love Hikaru too much . . . to risk losing control if I get too close to you . . . I really do love Hikaru, but Eagle . . . I . . . you . . ." I looked into his dilated cobalt eyes filled with confusion, frustration, pain and love, but I didn't know whom they were fore. I forced out a smile, though I knew it to be bitter, and pushed him gently away from me.
"Of course you love Hikaru, and I'll always be there for you as your best friend,"' I averted my gaze from his eyes and took in my surroundings. It was my own room.
"Come on, Lantis, you should get some rest," I chided as I guided him to the bed, "Don't drink so much next time."
He sat down, and I tuned to leave, eager to escape from the choices he now presented to me so that I could stop myself before it became too late, so that I would not hurt Hikaru. But he caught my wrist.
His head was bowed, and his voice thick with desperation and liquor. "I can't, Eagle, I can't stop drinking; I can't stop myself from wanted to forget, to escape from the real world, so that I don't have to choose anymore, to choose between hurting you or Hikaru." The words rushed out of his mouth, as if the dam restraining his emotions had finally broken. "It was still bearable when you were in the coma, so that I could still live in denial, knowing that you won't feel pain, but now, but today . . . I've told myself that since I've chosen Hikaru, then I would abide by my choice and forget about anything else, to put a stop to all the pain, but the look in your eyes today -"
"Stop, Lantis," I cut him off and turned away, surprised that my voice was shaking, and tears were streaming down my face. "Don't explain anymore. I . . . understand . . . just . . . let me go . . ."
It felt as if the words were torn form me, and spoken with such wrenching pain that I left a bitter, metallic and nauseous tang in my mouth, like blood. I suppose it shouldn't hurt so much, now that I knew Lantis cared to me, but his sincere confessions sounded like mockery in my ears, like hypocrisy, to be so sincere while delivering something so heartbreaking.
If he were to love me, but loved Hikaru more, I'd rather that he loved none at all.
And I cursed myself for my selfishness.
"Eagle," he murmured, placing the back of my hand to his lips, and pulling me towards him. I could resist and didn't protest as he drew me into his lap, as he gently stroked my hair, or even when he softly kissed my on the lips. But my tears kept flowing, flowing . . .
The kissed turned form chaste, to passionate, and to feverish, and the bitter taste of alcohol still lingering in his mouth wrapped a warm layer of haze around my brain, downing me and poisoning me with the sweet bitterness of the kisses. I couldn't think; it was too painful to think, so I responded, parted my lips and welcome him.
I lost control.
His lips traveled along my jaw and slowly up to my ear. Amidst the hearted passion, the drunken illusion, I heard a few resounding syllables in my ear. A moan, a request, a plea . . .
"Make me stop, Eagle, tell me to stop," he whispered between pants, "don't let me hurt you anymore . . ."
I ignored the spasm of pain that shot through me, and only held onto him even tighter. I didn't utter a word, but neither did my tears stop. I squeezed my eyes shut until I became numb to all the emotions once more.
He was very gentle, so gentle that I felt as if I was made of spun glass. I could feel the fabric slipping my body, and his lips softly grazing over the exposed skin, but the intensity of the passion running through us like charged electricity only grew with this gradual, light and warm touches, perhaps sparked up by impatience and anticipation.
My tears slowly ceased, as I felt his bare skin under my fingertips. I had never been this close to Lantis before, never so fully exposed to his kindness, warmth, care, and even vulnerability. His whole self. And I tightened my arms around his shoulders, possessively tasting the flesh in the curve of his neck, never wanting to let go.
His hands roamed over every inch of my skin, setting them on fire, and when he finally met my lips again, his tongue hungrily explored the cavern of my mouth, ravishing what he couldn't see.
Bit by bit, ounce by ounce, the heated waves of passion gave way to wild, scorching desire. His caresses became more powerful, sweeping over my more sensitive areas which he had recognized earlier on. Moans and whimpers escaped my throat uncontrollably, as I could only writhe in pleasure under his movements, rendered totally helpless in the erotic sensitivity.
He started filling me, excruciatingly slow, and I arched my back at the pain and foreign sensation, digging my nails into his back. I was shivering all over, but heat was bursting out from me, mingling with Lantis' unique aura and permeating the air with our essence. It was as if the whole world was slowly becoming ours.
He pulled out a little, and thrust back in, hitting something in me that made my vision explode into millions of shining sparks, and jolted every cell in my body to life. Again and again, I was shown the immense physical pleasures I had never knew before, and I forbade myself form letting these pleasures get into my heart, to make me blessed similarly emotionally, because I knew with the lock undone, my guilt would overpower everything and shatter me.
But I was shattering even without that. "Lan . . . tis . . ." I cried, hoping to hold on to him longer. The stimulations my body was receiving were too much, and I could feel myself being pushed towards the climax. Helpless, I watched as the spell spun out, reaching its last and most extraordinary brilliance . . .
And died out into a darkness darker than despair.
"Eagle . . ." he whispered by my ear, the residue of previous heat still in his voice, "I love you . . ."
…………………………………………………….
The water scaled my skin, but I didn't care. If only it could wash me clean of what I had done, my sins, and let me believe that nothing had happened. At least Lantis would not remember. If I kept denying, he would render it was a drunken fantasy. I would be the only one who knows about this incident that had vanished in time; no one will know; no one will be hurt.
Except for me. But it didn't matter. It was the price I had to pay.
I stepped out of the shower and put on the new set of clothes, then cleaned everything up and dressed Lantis before laying him comfortably on the newly made bed. I looked at his sleeping face, and smiled softly in spite of everything. His face was so peaceful and gentle now that it was hard to believe he was normally cold and serious.
If only this expression would only be shown to me . . . Lantis said he loved me, didn't he? Then shouldn't I have this privilege? I didn't know why, but now, looking at him, things just stopped hurting, as if the pain had never been there in the first place. Everything just felt so right that it was as if I belonged there, by his side . . .
"Excuse me, Eagle, but have you seen . . . Ah, he's here! I've been looking for him ever since dinner." Hikaru said and walked in from the door that had been slightly ajar, smiling brightly, though I could see the worry in her eyes. "Is Lantis all right?"
My heart stopped.
I smiled and replied, "Of course he is. I found him drunk in the hallway and brought him here. He fell asleep right when he hit the bed. He'll probably be up in a few hours. Do you want to stay here with him?"
She blushed and said, "If only it won't be a trouble to you . . ." She blushed even redder and looked at her shoes.
"Don't worry. I was just thinking of getting some fresh air anyway." I forced out one last smile and hastily exited the room. I could hold it up any longer; the pretension was wearing me out, while everything else inside me shattered and churned until I felt too sickened to even breathe. My knee gave away, and I slid to the ground with my back against the door.
What had I been thinking? How could I replace Hikaru? How could I think of replacing Hikaru? How could I be so selfish? How . . . How . . . How could I love Lantis so much?
Tears that I had restrained form overflowing poured out furiously, but quietly, dampening my shirt and sleeves. I couldn't stop anymore; didn't want to stop anymore, as I hoped for my selfishness and love to flow out of me with my tears.
Sobs racked through my body and echoed through the empty hallway, as silent as a ghost. The cold and lonely air stung my cheeks that burned from crying. It was so cold . . .
I must get away . . . I couldn't let them see me like this; I couldn't stay by them and not be manifested by my jealousy, selfishness and agony. I wanted so much to protect them; I wanted so much to tear them apart.
Bracing myself up, I took a wavering step away, but turned back and opened the door by an inch. Inside, Hikaru was sitting by the bed, taking Lantis' hand in both of hers, patiently wanting for him to wake up, to see only her.
She was the only one who belonged there, by his side.
I tuned and went away.
……………………………………………………
"Eagle! Eagle, wake up!" Frantic voices called me, and I was forcefully shaken awake form my deep sleep. The anxious and somewhat fearful face of Geo appeared before my eyes. "What is it, G -"
BOOM! Fiery blasts sounded outside, and the stinging smell of sulphur and explosives invaded my room. BOOM! BOOM!
"Quick, Eagle! Order FTO to stop attacking!" he shout and snapped a visor with some wire connections onto my head. Dazed, I did as told and concentrated. Slowly, umbers turned into words, then into data and graphs, and the whole status and structure of the FTO appeared before my eyes. I set the command to stop all movements, and gradually, the sound of attacks and explosions died off. Immediately, Geo yanked me off the bed and we rushed into the main hall.
"What happened!" I burst out, and everyone turned to me with worried and serous expressions.
"During the night, we were suddenly attacked," Cleft stepped up and said grimly, "and we only found out about the attacker when it was in the castle. There were no alarms or warnings when it crossed our barrier. The invader started firing, destroying parts of the castle, but the main attacks were aimed at Hikaru's room. We barely got ourselves together before the Magical Knights set out to fight against the invader. The invader is . . ." He trailed off and looked doubtful.
""My FTO . . .? But that' s impossible! It only responds to my brain waves, and nobody else can pilot it!"
"Nobody else is piloting it, Eagle," Geo replied gravely behind me, "there is no one operating the FTO."
"How can it -" but I was cut off as a ball of light suddenly appeared at the center of the hall, and from it stepped out the Magical Knights. An unconscious Hikaru was being supported by Umi and Fuu, and her left arm was covered with blood.
"HIKARU!" We shouted out in unison, but before I could take a step forward, Lantis had already scooped the unconscious Hikaru into his arms, concern, love and pain painted clearly on his face. Others were either crowding around her or rushing to get bandages and medicine, and amidst the bustling crowd, I stood stock-still, no longer knowing where I was.
"Eagle Vision!" Umi suddenly charged in my direction, yelling almost hysterically with tears streaming form her eyes. "If Hikaru doesn't wake up anymore, I'll make you pay for this! How could you! How could you lose control of your own FTO Hikaru only got so badly hurt because she didn't bear to attack, to hurt your stupid machine! She shouldn't have saved -"
"Umi! That's enough!" Fuu shouted, restraining her with the help of Ascot. "It's not Eagle's fault!"
"Then who else's is it! If Hikaru can't get well . . . If she won't wake up . . ." and she broke into sobs, falling into Ascot's arms.
"Excuse me," I mumbled to no one, as nobody cared to listen, and retreated numbly into the long and empty hallway that led to my room. Glancing out of the large windows, my FTO lay like a rusty and ancient monster among the parched debris of what used to be a garden. The dark clouds of the aftermath of the bombardment covered the sky, blocking away any rays of the gentle moon. The brown and barren landscape was so much like the familiar, yet hated scenery of Autozam which I vowed to change, but instead created in this paradise-like land of Cephrio.
Yes, like Umi said, I had caused all this. I could feel the darkness suppressed in my heart wriggling, writhing, trying to break free, and each time I saw Lantis and Hikaru together, the chains that bound this gruesome ghoul in me weakened. Even though I was asleep, that subconscious desire to destroy was already strong enough to control the FTO.
I had once vowed to rescue Autozam from destruction, and protect Cephrio, which was so dear to Lantis. I had vowed to protect my bellowed: Lantis, Hikaru, and this whole planet.
But now I myself had become dangerous and uncontrollable enough to possess a threat to the things I loved. I was unable to fight against this petty source that created the darkness in me, and hurt Hikaru in turn.
A bitter but firm smile curved at the corners of my lips, and my nails dug so hard into my palm that a twinge of sinister pleasure coursed through me. My decision was made.
I had once sworn a vow, and I never go back on my promises.
……………………………………………………
Hikaru woke up the next day, much to everyone's relief, and due to Fuu's careful administrations, she fully recovered after a week or so. Umi had apologized profusely for her outburst that day, and I just smiled and accepted it. A smile rarely left my face these days. Making others happy was my only aim before I would carry out the final act for my decision. It was the only compensation I could give them for all the troubles I had, and would cause because of my selfishness.
The wedding was to be held in another two weeks. I had two more weeks to bear . . .
"Eagle, can I talk to you for a minute?" Lantis came up behind me as I walked through the rose garden, inspecting the location where the wedding would take place. Lantis had neither been cold nor warm to me. It seemed as if he was trying hard to act normal and friendly while keeping his emotions at bay. I knew he never detested me, and truly cared, loved me even, but my existence now was only awkward for him.
"Sure," I replied and smiled despite the amounting tension in the air. It seemed like eons ago when I could still talk to him naturally, and I wondered where along the way did we lose that ability, that special bond.
"About the other day, the day when you found me drunk . . . did we do anything?" he looked at me with earnest eyes, and the "yes" almost rushed out of my mouth. "Why are you asking after so long?" I questioned him silently in my mind, "And what difference will it do? It's too late now. Everything's too late . . ."
"No, of course not, " I said in my most cheerful and friendly voice, "All you did was murmur Hikaru's name while you were out cold." I half-hoped that he didn't notice my voice was too cheerful and too friendly.
" . . . then is that a dream . . .?" he muttered to himself, and I pretended that I didn't hear him. Suddenly, he reached out and cupped the side of my face, his sapphire eyes burning directly into mine. "I'm sorry, Eagle."
My eyes widened, and a flood of pain washed over me. That was it. That was the end, wasn't it? He could only say sorry, sorry that he was marry Hikaru, sorry for what we did, sorry that he smashed my heart to pieces, sorry that he loved Hikaru more, sorry that he never chose me . . . It was an apology that admitted and finalized everything.
My physical form, which had already become a shell, smiled and said, "What are you sorry for? Just don't drink to much next time." I pulled away form his touch and turned to walk away, the smile still on my face.
……………………………………………………
Dear Everyone,
I am truly sorry for my sudden departure, but I have decided to go traveling for a period of time to some faraway planets. I do not know why I will be back, and although I regret not being able to contribute to the improvements of the country, I am confident that Cephrio will become even stronger under every one's management and hard work, even without my presence.
I hope that all of you would be able to grant me this selfish wish for more freedom, and not search for me.
Last, but no least, I will be taking the FTO with me in case accidents happen again.
Congratulations to the newlyweds. I believe, with all my heart, that they will live happily ever after.
Yours truly,
Eagle Vision
I sealed the letter neatly in a pristine envelope and placed it on Clef's table before going to join the wedding.
The ceremony was so grand and filled with people that I was able to leave unnoticed after witnessing Lantis say "I do." I really wished that I were strong enough to say my blessings to the couples myself, but too bad. I just couldn't brace myself to stay one second longer, to corrupt the true joy in other's hearts.
I cast one last glance at Lantis. He looked so happy beside Hikaru, happier than I had ever seen him be when he was with me. I will always carry this expression with me, this that enticed my darkness to grow; this that gave me the resolution to carry out my decision.
Mounting the pilot seat of the FTO, I flew it over the lush rolling plains of Cephrio, the crystal oceans and misty waterfalls, the shades of green of the high treetops, the mysterious creatures residing in caves along the steep granite cliffs . . . Sunlight poured onto the earth, cutting through fluffy clouds high up in the sky, and I truly smiled despite everything.
Despite the fact that I had been a hypocrite for so long, and kept lying till the end, in the letter they will no doubt be saddened by my disappearance, which makes me wonder if my actions were meaningless and senseless after all.
But now, seeing Cephrio at its prime, I knew it was worth it. I can't let the darkness in me grow until it would destroy Cephrio. This planet was ruled and made up of all the citizens' hearts, and I would never let this rotting in me be reflected in real life.
But even if this condition didn't exit, I would still do it. I just couldn't bear to live any longer.
Landing on one of the highest cliffs in Cephrio, I got off the FTO and lost myself in the crashes of
thunderous waves thousands of feet below where I stood at the edge. The strong, salty winds swept through me, and I opened my arms wide, embracing the perfect landscape of Cephrio stretched out around me.
And with a simple command, I sent the FTO over the edge. The waves engulfed even the sound of death.
Below me, the powerful cerulean ocean kept its rhythm crashing the waves once and again into the jagged rocks sharp as spears, but even that had an artistic flow of power to it. Seagulls were flying high and free in the broad expanse of blue sky.
I took a step forward.
Even as I kept falling and falling, I couldn't' help but marvel at the scenery flashing past my eyes. I had done everything I could to keep it flawless. It was truly a beautiful world.
~*~ fin ~*~
Pairing: Lantis x Eagle, Lantis x Hikaru
Rating: R-ish
Warning: Suicide
This is something I wrote back in 2005, and transported here since I've started using LJ. It's a fanfiction of Magical Knight Rayearth by Clamp, my one and only.
Hmm... Now looking back, it seems a bit cheesy at parts, but I've no intention to change anything. Part of the memory, after all.
…………………………………………………….
A Beautiful World
…………………………………………………….
It had been three years, three whole years that I was unable to look at the world through my own eyes. Therefore, I had absolutely no idea what to expect. Time is a skilled craftsman that can reshape the world if left long enough.
Now, letting the first rays of light pierce through my eyelids, I let my eyes adjust to the brightness before inching them open.
A beautiful panorama presented itself into my sight. Cephrio was a paradise. The atmosphere itself was a display box for crystals, all sparkling in the warm sun, and the clear waters spilled form the graceful edges of land, into the pool of startling cerulean below. Lush green plains stretched on, gradually deepening in color, tuning into a forest far away. The land was vibrant and full of life.
This was what I dreamt of as a kingdom, and I believed my sacrifices were wroth it, if only Autozam could be like this.
"How are you feeling, Eagle? Is everything working fine?" the gentle voice of Clef rang out behind me, and I turned, excepting familiar faces. But none of them was what I remembered to be. Time had left its mark, the extra years of accumulated wisdom shining in their eyes. Ferio was much talker; Ascot less bashful; Fuu even more gentle than before; Umi sparkling with life; Primera was louder; Cleft wiser; Preasea warmer; and even Mokona had become bouncier.
But what struck me most was Hikaru and Lantis. In the tree years, Hikaru had grown from a girl to a woman. I could see not just physically, but mentally as well. The determination was still in her eyes, but its harsh edges were covered by a light touch of melancholy and temperance, polished out with time. She was smiling like a flower in full bloom.
Lantis, on the other hand, changed as well, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. It was his eyes, I think from which I saw that he was holding back his true self. It was as if he had put on a mask, and built a wall around his heart, and I could no longer tell what he was feeling - something I used to do effortlessly. He was standing beside Hikaru.
Everything had changed. The others had been going on with their lives while I remained stagnant for three years, so just exactly how much did I miss out on? Would I ever be able to make up for that time and fit in again?
I swept over the familiar, yet strange faces in front of me, and my heart was seized with fear and uncertainty. My gaze lingered a second longer on Lantis' visage, and I found myself looking at a total stranger. Although he was smiling, his eyes were no longer warm; although he looked the same, he was no longer the Lantis I knew, the Lantis that belonged to me.
Despite these, I laughed cheerfully and said, "I'm finally back. It's good to see everyone again."
With that, the ladies burst into rapture, flocking around me to deliver their welcomes while the men stood by with amused grins. Suddenly, I felt a warm weight on my head, and stared up to see the round, white form of Mokona making itself comfortable in my hair.
"Welcome back, Eagle!" It chirped with its unique bouncy voice, "Everybody's been waiting for you to wake up! Now we can finally hold the wedding! Mokona wants to eat the wedding cake!"
I froze, the warmth I felt moments ago with the greetings completely vanished. "What wedding . . . ?"
Scanning the crowd, I was met with the blushign faces of Umi, Fuu and Hikaru. My heart sopped dead.
"A wedding! Three weddings! For Umi and Ascot, Fuu and Ferio, and Hikaru and Lantis! They've been engaged for ages, but they, especially Hikaru, persisted that the wedding would never be the same without you, therefore we waited . . ."
The rest of Mokona's sentence became a blur, along with my sight, the people and surroundings, as the pounding of my heart resounded like the calls of death inside my head, overriding everything. My lunges ached; it was hard to breathe. My heart throbbed and bled as if thorn to pieces, but it wouldn't stop pounding, wouldn't stop the sound form crashing through my body, threatening to burst through me from inside out. Whey wouldn't' it stop! Whey did it hurt so much!
Why . . . Why did Lantis . . .
"Eagle! Are you all right?" Frantic voices called out, and someone was shaking me . . .i opened my eyes once more and saw Hikaru's anxious face in front of me. Her eyes shone with concern that turned into the arrows of guilt, striking into my heart.
"I . . . I'm fine . . ." I forced out with a weak attempt to smile, "just a little dizzy . . ." I buried my head in my hands, pretending to be massaging my temples, when in fact I could no longer meet Hikaru's eyes. I feared of her detecting the resentment and jealousy in my eyes; I feared of the guilt she was making me bear.
"Oh, I'm so sorry," she said apologetically, "we shouldn't have bothered you so much when you just woke up. We'll go now, and please, take a good rest and we will visit you again, later." And she retreated away quietly with the others.
Lantis was the last one out. In the now deadly silent room, I watched the end of his cloak that trailed onto the ground sweep to the door, and whispered, "Congratulations, Lantis."
"Thank you." He replied politely, formally, before pulling the heavy doors shut behind him.
A bitter chuckle escaped my lips as I sank to the ground. In my eyes, they were the strangers, but in their eyes, I was the unrecognizable one, because in the three years, I had totally walked out of their lives. I might as well be non-existent in those years. Out of sight, out of mind; even if there were memories, they had melted into the shadows.
It was only natural for Lantis to treat me coldly. It was only natural of him to move on and marry Hikaru. No, not move on, he had never stopped for me. Not in Autozam, not in Cephiro, not now, not ever . . .
I was despicable for being jealous of Hikaru. She had saved my life, saved me from my selfish actions before and taught me the meaning of life. How could I be jealous of her? What right did I have to do so?
But even so . . . even so I could not control myself. I knew that if I hated her, hated someone as pure as she, then nobody would deserve my hate as much as myself. And I would become nothing but a monster filled with hatred . . .
I didn't want to be jealous; I didn't want to hate. I didn't want Hikaru to cry; I didn't want to see Lantis sad. Even if the seedlings of hate were already in my heart, let then be buried forever. I would always protect the people precious to me, and let them continue living in this paradise, not the darkness that had started to spread in my heart.
At least let me do this to redeem my sins.
I closed my eyes and let the thoughts seep away before standing up and striding confidently to the door, even though with each step, my heart was thrust once and again into a pit of knives.
All the people were in the grad hall, chatting animatedly when I walked in. I stood by the doorway, feeding on the happiness that radiated from them, but that only served to contrast more with how I felt, and once more, I realized just how happy they could still be even if I was not around. I watched as Lantis patted Hikaru on the head, smiling, and I took a step away from the joyful scene automatically, attempting to get away before the flames of darkness totally overpowered me.
But Fuu had already noticed me. "Ah, Eagle, are you feeling better now?" she asked gently. I smiled wanly and nodded.
"That's great!" Umi exclaimed, "We were just talking about the wedding arrangements. We all agreed on you being the best man, what do you think? Clef will be the priest, Preasea the maid of honour, and Mokona and Primera the ring-bearer and flower girl respectively. All the people we know from all four planets will be invited. It'll be fantastic!"
"I would love to be the beat man!" I replied, laughing along with them, and drowning myself in the
devastating happiness.
…………………………………………………….
It was after dinner, while I was walking back to my room, when the most unexpected and unthinkable thing happened in my life.
A figure flashed pass me, grabbed my hand and started running with a speeds o shocking that before I knew it, we had stopped, I was pressed against a wall, and had totally failed to notice who my abductor was.
And then, he kissed me. Fully, forcefully, passionately.
My head spun, and I pushed feebly against him, but none of my strength seemed to come to me. There was something extremely familiar about his person that made my knees go weak, that made me breathless, that . . .
"Lantis . . ." I murmured when we finally parted, and I had unconsciously clutched my hands into the fabric of his cloak. My head fell, as I couldn't bear to look at him to confirm my suspicions, because I was afraid. I was afraid of what I would do . . .
"I'm . . . sorry, Eagle . . . for treating you so coldly . . . earlier on . . ." his words were slurred, as if it took a great effort on his part to get them coherent. He leaned down, resting his forehead against mine, and with his ragged breathing, the reek of alcohol wafted into my nose.
Lantis was drunk. If my heart had just been held up by fear and nervousness, then, in that moment of realization, it had just plummeted form the zenith to nadir. It was supposed to be with relief, but somewhere along the way, it was replaced by disappointment, and I found my heart shattered by the plunge all the same.
"I'm sorry . . . It's just that I love Hikaru too much . . . to risk losing control if I get too close to you . . . I really do love Hikaru, but Eagle . . . I . . . you . . ." I looked into his dilated cobalt eyes filled with confusion, frustration, pain and love, but I didn't know whom they were fore. I forced out a smile, though I knew it to be bitter, and pushed him gently away from me.
"Of course you love Hikaru, and I'll always be there for you as your best friend,"' I averted my gaze from his eyes and took in my surroundings. It was my own room.
"Come on, Lantis, you should get some rest," I chided as I guided him to the bed, "Don't drink so much next time."
He sat down, and I tuned to leave, eager to escape from the choices he now presented to me so that I could stop myself before it became too late, so that I would not hurt Hikaru. But he caught my wrist.
His head was bowed, and his voice thick with desperation and liquor. "I can't, Eagle, I can't stop drinking; I can't stop myself from wanted to forget, to escape from the real world, so that I don't have to choose anymore, to choose between hurting you or Hikaru." The words rushed out of his mouth, as if the dam restraining his emotions had finally broken. "It was still bearable when you were in the coma, so that I could still live in denial, knowing that you won't feel pain, but now, but today . . . I've told myself that since I've chosen Hikaru, then I would abide by my choice and forget about anything else, to put a stop to all the pain, but the look in your eyes today -"
"Stop, Lantis," I cut him off and turned away, surprised that my voice was shaking, and tears were streaming down my face. "Don't explain anymore. I . . . understand . . . just . . . let me go . . ."
It felt as if the words were torn form me, and spoken with such wrenching pain that I left a bitter, metallic and nauseous tang in my mouth, like blood. I suppose it shouldn't hurt so much, now that I knew Lantis cared to me, but his sincere confessions sounded like mockery in my ears, like hypocrisy, to be so sincere while delivering something so heartbreaking.
If he were to love me, but loved Hikaru more, I'd rather that he loved none at all.
And I cursed myself for my selfishness.
"Eagle," he murmured, placing the back of my hand to his lips, and pulling me towards him. I could resist and didn't protest as he drew me into his lap, as he gently stroked my hair, or even when he softly kissed my on the lips. But my tears kept flowing, flowing . . .
The kissed turned form chaste, to passionate, and to feverish, and the bitter taste of alcohol still lingering in his mouth wrapped a warm layer of haze around my brain, downing me and poisoning me with the sweet bitterness of the kisses. I couldn't think; it was too painful to think, so I responded, parted my lips and welcome him.
I lost control.
His lips traveled along my jaw and slowly up to my ear. Amidst the hearted passion, the drunken illusion, I heard a few resounding syllables in my ear. A moan, a request, a plea . . .
"Make me stop, Eagle, tell me to stop," he whispered between pants, "don't let me hurt you anymore . . ."
I ignored the spasm of pain that shot through me, and only held onto him even tighter. I didn't utter a word, but neither did my tears stop. I squeezed my eyes shut until I became numb to all the emotions once more.
He was very gentle, so gentle that I felt as if I was made of spun glass. I could feel the fabric slipping my body, and his lips softly grazing over the exposed skin, but the intensity of the passion running through us like charged electricity only grew with this gradual, light and warm touches, perhaps sparked up by impatience and anticipation.
My tears slowly ceased, as I felt his bare skin under my fingertips. I had never been this close to Lantis before, never so fully exposed to his kindness, warmth, care, and even vulnerability. His whole self. And I tightened my arms around his shoulders, possessively tasting the flesh in the curve of his neck, never wanting to let go.
His hands roamed over every inch of my skin, setting them on fire, and when he finally met my lips again, his tongue hungrily explored the cavern of my mouth, ravishing what he couldn't see.
Bit by bit, ounce by ounce, the heated waves of passion gave way to wild, scorching desire. His caresses became more powerful, sweeping over my more sensitive areas which he had recognized earlier on. Moans and whimpers escaped my throat uncontrollably, as I could only writhe in pleasure under his movements, rendered totally helpless in the erotic sensitivity.
He started filling me, excruciatingly slow, and I arched my back at the pain and foreign sensation, digging my nails into his back. I was shivering all over, but heat was bursting out from me, mingling with Lantis' unique aura and permeating the air with our essence. It was as if the whole world was slowly becoming ours.
He pulled out a little, and thrust back in, hitting something in me that made my vision explode into millions of shining sparks, and jolted every cell in my body to life. Again and again, I was shown the immense physical pleasures I had never knew before, and I forbade myself form letting these pleasures get into my heart, to make me blessed similarly emotionally, because I knew with the lock undone, my guilt would overpower everything and shatter me.
But I was shattering even without that. "Lan . . . tis . . ." I cried, hoping to hold on to him longer. The stimulations my body was receiving were too much, and I could feel myself being pushed towards the climax. Helpless, I watched as the spell spun out, reaching its last and most extraordinary brilliance . . .
And died out into a darkness darker than despair.
"Eagle . . ." he whispered by my ear, the residue of previous heat still in his voice, "I love you . . ."
…………………………………………………….
The water scaled my skin, but I didn't care. If only it could wash me clean of what I had done, my sins, and let me believe that nothing had happened. At least Lantis would not remember. If I kept denying, he would render it was a drunken fantasy. I would be the only one who knows about this incident that had vanished in time; no one will know; no one will be hurt.
Except for me. But it didn't matter. It was the price I had to pay.
I stepped out of the shower and put on the new set of clothes, then cleaned everything up and dressed Lantis before laying him comfortably on the newly made bed. I looked at his sleeping face, and smiled softly in spite of everything. His face was so peaceful and gentle now that it was hard to believe he was normally cold and serious.
If only this expression would only be shown to me . . . Lantis said he loved me, didn't he? Then shouldn't I have this privilege? I didn't know why, but now, looking at him, things just stopped hurting, as if the pain had never been there in the first place. Everything just felt so right that it was as if I belonged there, by his side . . .
"Excuse me, Eagle, but have you seen . . . Ah, he's here! I've been looking for him ever since dinner." Hikaru said and walked in from the door that had been slightly ajar, smiling brightly, though I could see the worry in her eyes. "Is Lantis all right?"
My heart stopped.
I smiled and replied, "Of course he is. I found him drunk in the hallway and brought him here. He fell asleep right when he hit the bed. He'll probably be up in a few hours. Do you want to stay here with him?"
She blushed and said, "If only it won't be a trouble to you . . ." She blushed even redder and looked at her shoes.
"Don't worry. I was just thinking of getting some fresh air anyway." I forced out one last smile and hastily exited the room. I could hold it up any longer; the pretension was wearing me out, while everything else inside me shattered and churned until I felt too sickened to even breathe. My knee gave away, and I slid to the ground with my back against the door.
What had I been thinking? How could I replace Hikaru? How could I think of replacing Hikaru? How could I be so selfish? How . . . How . . . How could I love Lantis so much?
Tears that I had restrained form overflowing poured out furiously, but quietly, dampening my shirt and sleeves. I couldn't stop anymore; didn't want to stop anymore, as I hoped for my selfishness and love to flow out of me with my tears.
Sobs racked through my body and echoed through the empty hallway, as silent as a ghost. The cold and lonely air stung my cheeks that burned from crying. It was so cold . . .
I must get away . . . I couldn't let them see me like this; I couldn't stay by them and not be manifested by my jealousy, selfishness and agony. I wanted so much to protect them; I wanted so much to tear them apart.
Bracing myself up, I took a wavering step away, but turned back and opened the door by an inch. Inside, Hikaru was sitting by the bed, taking Lantis' hand in both of hers, patiently wanting for him to wake up, to see only her.
She was the only one who belonged there, by his side.
I tuned and went away.
……………………………………………………
"Eagle! Eagle, wake up!" Frantic voices called me, and I was forcefully shaken awake form my deep sleep. The anxious and somewhat fearful face of Geo appeared before my eyes. "What is it, G -"
BOOM! Fiery blasts sounded outside, and the stinging smell of sulphur and explosives invaded my room. BOOM! BOOM!
"Quick, Eagle! Order FTO to stop attacking!" he shout and snapped a visor with some wire connections onto my head. Dazed, I did as told and concentrated. Slowly, umbers turned into words, then into data and graphs, and the whole status and structure of the FTO appeared before my eyes. I set the command to stop all movements, and gradually, the sound of attacks and explosions died off. Immediately, Geo yanked me off the bed and we rushed into the main hall.
"What happened!" I burst out, and everyone turned to me with worried and serous expressions.
"During the night, we were suddenly attacked," Cleft stepped up and said grimly, "and we only found out about the attacker when it was in the castle. There were no alarms or warnings when it crossed our barrier. The invader started firing, destroying parts of the castle, but the main attacks were aimed at Hikaru's room. We barely got ourselves together before the Magical Knights set out to fight against the invader. The invader is . . ." He trailed off and looked doubtful.
""My FTO . . .? But that' s impossible! It only responds to my brain waves, and nobody else can pilot it!"
"Nobody else is piloting it, Eagle," Geo replied gravely behind me, "there is no one operating the FTO."
"How can it -" but I was cut off as a ball of light suddenly appeared at the center of the hall, and from it stepped out the Magical Knights. An unconscious Hikaru was being supported by Umi and Fuu, and her left arm was covered with blood.
"HIKARU!" We shouted out in unison, but before I could take a step forward, Lantis had already scooped the unconscious Hikaru into his arms, concern, love and pain painted clearly on his face. Others were either crowding around her or rushing to get bandages and medicine, and amidst the bustling crowd, I stood stock-still, no longer knowing where I was.
"Eagle Vision!" Umi suddenly charged in my direction, yelling almost hysterically with tears streaming form her eyes. "If Hikaru doesn't wake up anymore, I'll make you pay for this! How could you! How could you lose control of your own FTO Hikaru only got so badly hurt because she didn't bear to attack, to hurt your stupid machine! She shouldn't have saved -"
"Umi! That's enough!" Fuu shouted, restraining her with the help of Ascot. "It's not Eagle's fault!"
"Then who else's is it! If Hikaru can't get well . . . If she won't wake up . . ." and she broke into sobs, falling into Ascot's arms.
"Excuse me," I mumbled to no one, as nobody cared to listen, and retreated numbly into the long and empty hallway that led to my room. Glancing out of the large windows, my FTO lay like a rusty and ancient monster among the parched debris of what used to be a garden. The dark clouds of the aftermath of the bombardment covered the sky, blocking away any rays of the gentle moon. The brown and barren landscape was so much like the familiar, yet hated scenery of Autozam which I vowed to change, but instead created in this paradise-like land of Cephrio.
Yes, like Umi said, I had caused all this. I could feel the darkness suppressed in my heart wriggling, writhing, trying to break free, and each time I saw Lantis and Hikaru together, the chains that bound this gruesome ghoul in me weakened. Even though I was asleep, that subconscious desire to destroy was already strong enough to control the FTO.
I had once vowed to rescue Autozam from destruction, and protect Cephrio, which was so dear to Lantis. I had vowed to protect my bellowed: Lantis, Hikaru, and this whole planet.
But now I myself had become dangerous and uncontrollable enough to possess a threat to the things I loved. I was unable to fight against this petty source that created the darkness in me, and hurt Hikaru in turn.
A bitter but firm smile curved at the corners of my lips, and my nails dug so hard into my palm that a twinge of sinister pleasure coursed through me. My decision was made.
I had once sworn a vow, and I never go back on my promises.
……………………………………………………
Hikaru woke up the next day, much to everyone's relief, and due to Fuu's careful administrations, she fully recovered after a week or so. Umi had apologized profusely for her outburst that day, and I just smiled and accepted it. A smile rarely left my face these days. Making others happy was my only aim before I would carry out the final act for my decision. It was the only compensation I could give them for all the troubles I had, and would cause because of my selfishness.
The wedding was to be held in another two weeks. I had two more weeks to bear . . .
"Eagle, can I talk to you for a minute?" Lantis came up behind me as I walked through the rose garden, inspecting the location where the wedding would take place. Lantis had neither been cold nor warm to me. It seemed as if he was trying hard to act normal and friendly while keeping his emotions at bay. I knew he never detested me, and truly cared, loved me even, but my existence now was only awkward for him.
"Sure," I replied and smiled despite the amounting tension in the air. It seemed like eons ago when I could still talk to him naturally, and I wondered where along the way did we lose that ability, that special bond.
"About the other day, the day when you found me drunk . . . did we do anything?" he looked at me with earnest eyes, and the "yes" almost rushed out of my mouth. "Why are you asking after so long?" I questioned him silently in my mind, "And what difference will it do? It's too late now. Everything's too late . . ."
"No, of course not, " I said in my most cheerful and friendly voice, "All you did was murmur Hikaru's name while you were out cold." I half-hoped that he didn't notice my voice was too cheerful and too friendly.
" . . . then is that a dream . . .?" he muttered to himself, and I pretended that I didn't hear him. Suddenly, he reached out and cupped the side of my face, his sapphire eyes burning directly into mine. "I'm sorry, Eagle."
My eyes widened, and a flood of pain washed over me. That was it. That was the end, wasn't it? He could only say sorry, sorry that he was marry Hikaru, sorry for what we did, sorry that he smashed my heart to pieces, sorry that he loved Hikaru more, sorry that he never chose me . . . It was an apology that admitted and finalized everything.
My physical form, which had already become a shell, smiled and said, "What are you sorry for? Just don't drink to much next time." I pulled away form his touch and turned to walk away, the smile still on my face.
……………………………………………………
Dear Everyone,
I am truly sorry for my sudden departure, but I have decided to go traveling for a period of time to some faraway planets. I do not know why I will be back, and although I regret not being able to contribute to the improvements of the country, I am confident that Cephrio will become even stronger under every one's management and hard work, even without my presence.
I hope that all of you would be able to grant me this selfish wish for more freedom, and not search for me.
Last, but no least, I will be taking the FTO with me in case accidents happen again.
Congratulations to the newlyweds. I believe, with all my heart, that they will live happily ever after.
Yours truly,
Eagle Vision
I sealed the letter neatly in a pristine envelope and placed it on Clef's table before going to join the wedding.
The ceremony was so grand and filled with people that I was able to leave unnoticed after witnessing Lantis say "I do." I really wished that I were strong enough to say my blessings to the couples myself, but too bad. I just couldn't brace myself to stay one second longer, to corrupt the true joy in other's hearts.
I cast one last glance at Lantis. He looked so happy beside Hikaru, happier than I had ever seen him be when he was with me. I will always carry this expression with me, this that enticed my darkness to grow; this that gave me the resolution to carry out my decision.
Mounting the pilot seat of the FTO, I flew it over the lush rolling plains of Cephrio, the crystal oceans and misty waterfalls, the shades of green of the high treetops, the mysterious creatures residing in caves along the steep granite cliffs . . . Sunlight poured onto the earth, cutting through fluffy clouds high up in the sky, and I truly smiled despite everything.
Despite the fact that I had been a hypocrite for so long, and kept lying till the end, in the letter they will no doubt be saddened by my disappearance, which makes me wonder if my actions were meaningless and senseless after all.
But now, seeing Cephrio at its prime, I knew it was worth it. I can't let the darkness in me grow until it would destroy Cephrio. This planet was ruled and made up of all the citizens' hearts, and I would never let this rotting in me be reflected in real life.
But even if this condition didn't exit, I would still do it. I just couldn't bear to live any longer.
Landing on one of the highest cliffs in Cephrio, I got off the FTO and lost myself in the crashes of
thunderous waves thousands of feet below where I stood at the edge. The strong, salty winds swept through me, and I opened my arms wide, embracing the perfect landscape of Cephrio stretched out around me.
And with a simple command, I sent the FTO over the edge. The waves engulfed even the sound of death.
Below me, the powerful cerulean ocean kept its rhythm crashing the waves once and again into the jagged rocks sharp as spears, but even that had an artistic flow of power to it. Seagulls were flying high and free in the broad expanse of blue sky.
I took a step forward.
Even as I kept falling and falling, I couldn't' help but marvel at the scenery flashing past my eyes. I had done everything I could to keep it flawless. It was truly a beautiful world.
~*~ fin ~*~