(no subject)
its hard to write about a feeling you once *had.* even if it was only last night. the intensity of it all just isnt there anymore. so ill try to write from what i remember.
on april 14th im going to be going on the march of the living. this weekend was an overnight "retreat" where we got to know eachother better, speak to the survivors, and become better educated for the trip we are going on in just a few short months.
i guess emotions started flowing at around 5 o'clock when we saw an extremely graphic movie documenting the lives of jews in concentration camps and ghettos. in these places humans lost their humanity. these places were plagued with diseases that are hard to even think about. people had lost their toes and had gorged holes in their bodies and had ticks the size of grapes attached to them. SS officers killed people for the sole purpose of creating a lamp shade to see with and a canvas to paint on...both were created from human flesh. doctors conducted experiments on people of all kinds. they would try to find a way to sterilize jewish women so that they could not reproduce...try to find a way to change the color of peoples eyes by blinding them...seeing how long they can last naked in subzero conditions...things like that. seeing bodies thrown into piles as if they were dead fish...totally lifeless and emaciated. that video was probably the shocker of my day.
later on after dinner after i had met a bunch of people we were shown another documentary. however, this time we were seeing it with all of the kids from broward and dade going on the march as one...instead of just my assigned group like before. this documentary by steven speilberg portrayed five hungarian jews who had returned to their home town for the first time after their deportation. each spoke of their miraculous experiences...and their hardest times. one girl, however, stood out. her name was irene. before her and her mother were separated, her mother had told her that she had sewed diamonds into her dress' hem in order to buy bread. bread. when the gestapo ordered everyone to take off their clothes and change into the soiled rags they were given, she took the diamonds from her dress, and quickly swallowed them so that the nazis could not see that she had them with her. she had to look for those diamonds later on. when she found them, she swallowed them again. it was the only way to keep them, and her safe. it was the only connection she had with her family. after the war she had the three remaining diamonds put on top of a charm in the shape of a tear. shes had it ever since. when the lights came on after the movie, every holocaust survivor came up and said something as to what being a "survivor" really is. not far from me a woman stood up wearing that tear charm. it was the same lady from the movie. Then she said "being a survivor is finding joy in nothing else besides his or her own family." that was the first time i felt water in my eyes in a long, long time. it felt good to let it out, though. when they parted so we could go into our groups to discuss the movie i gave the survivor in my group such a hug. we needed no words to initiate it. we both knew that we were here for one another. that is true unity.
in our groups we sat around in a circle and each person was able to let something out...because we all needed to. i dont think ive ever been so comfortable with sharing my feelings and experiences with people than i was last night. after i said something and the person next to me said something, she started to cry. we didnt even know eachother. but we looked at one another and gave eachother a hug...knowing that we're all experiencing this together as one people. i knew what she was thinking, as it was the same thing that was on my mind..."i cant believe where we are right now...we're sitting in a room filled with such love and unity that we could shake this world."
i went up into my hotel room and opened myself up to yet another stranger. his name was zach. and he told me what he thought. it was nice. i went to sleep that night with such satisfaction. ive never felt so "right at home," although essentially i was far from it.
The march of the living is going to do something for me that i know i wont be able to do on my own. i would have learned that it's ok to feel. its also ok to express those feelings...to those you trust. expression is something i can definitely learn. because that is something i definitely dont know how to do well. it really did allow me to feel better about myself and whatever situation i might be living through. a million dollars cannot buy such a lesson. only through experience...especially one as emotionally intense as this will one acquire such a lesson that will last with them forever.
on april 14th im going to be going on the march of the living. this weekend was an overnight "retreat" where we got to know eachother better, speak to the survivors, and become better educated for the trip we are going on in just a few short months.
i guess emotions started flowing at around 5 o'clock when we saw an extremely graphic movie documenting the lives of jews in concentration camps and ghettos. in these places humans lost their humanity. these places were plagued with diseases that are hard to even think about. people had lost their toes and had gorged holes in their bodies and had ticks the size of grapes attached to them. SS officers killed people for the sole purpose of creating a lamp shade to see with and a canvas to paint on...both were created from human flesh. doctors conducted experiments on people of all kinds. they would try to find a way to sterilize jewish women so that they could not reproduce...try to find a way to change the color of peoples eyes by blinding them...seeing how long they can last naked in subzero conditions...things like that. seeing bodies thrown into piles as if they were dead fish...totally lifeless and emaciated. that video was probably the shocker of my day.
later on after dinner after i had met a bunch of people we were shown another documentary. however, this time we were seeing it with all of the kids from broward and dade going on the march as one...instead of just my assigned group like before. this documentary by steven speilberg portrayed five hungarian jews who had returned to their home town for the first time after their deportation. each spoke of their miraculous experiences...and their hardest times. one girl, however, stood out. her name was irene. before her and her mother were separated, her mother had told her that she had sewed diamonds into her dress' hem in order to buy bread. bread. when the gestapo ordered everyone to take off their clothes and change into the soiled rags they were given, she took the diamonds from her dress, and quickly swallowed them so that the nazis could not see that she had them with her. she had to look for those diamonds later on. when she found them, she swallowed them again. it was the only way to keep them, and her safe. it was the only connection she had with her family. after the war she had the three remaining diamonds put on top of a charm in the shape of a tear. shes had it ever since. when the lights came on after the movie, every holocaust survivor came up and said something as to what being a "survivor" really is. not far from me a woman stood up wearing that tear charm. it was the same lady from the movie. Then she said "being a survivor is finding joy in nothing else besides his or her own family." that was the first time i felt water in my eyes in a long, long time. it felt good to let it out, though. when they parted so we could go into our groups to discuss the movie i gave the survivor in my group such a hug. we needed no words to initiate it. we both knew that we were here for one another. that is true unity.
in our groups we sat around in a circle and each person was able to let something out...because we all needed to. i dont think ive ever been so comfortable with sharing my feelings and experiences with people than i was last night. after i said something and the person next to me said something, she started to cry. we didnt even know eachother. but we looked at one another and gave eachother a hug...knowing that we're all experiencing this together as one people. i knew what she was thinking, as it was the same thing that was on my mind..."i cant believe where we are right now...we're sitting in a room filled with such love and unity that we could shake this world."
i went up into my hotel room and opened myself up to yet another stranger. his name was zach. and he told me what he thought. it was nice. i went to sleep that night with such satisfaction. ive never felt so "right at home," although essentially i was far from it.
The march of the living is going to do something for me that i know i wont be able to do on my own. i would have learned that it's ok to feel. its also ok to express those feelings...to those you trust. expression is something i can definitely learn. because that is something i definitely dont know how to do well. it really did allow me to feel better about myself and whatever situation i might be living through. a million dollars cannot buy such a lesson. only through experience...especially one as emotionally intense as this will one acquire such a lesson that will last with them forever.