i know that i cried but it's only because my kisses went sour with age.
Trying so hard to stay motivated.
So hard.
Some days this shit is pointless. i cant write how i really feel because of ridicule. some days i can write for hours. i think everyone keep feelings bottled up inside, thoughts that they just dismiss but that only grow with time.
Sometimes i just want to stay home and sleep and dream of the past, dream of things you wanted to happen. sometimes i have dreams of things i wish would happen, even though deep down i know they wont. when your young you dream of less homework, playing the videogame you've wanted since last week, riding a purple pony. but when your sixteen, the only reason a purple pony comes into your thoughts is if your on an awesome acid trip.
This is how some of us are wired
x.your friends.
become your enemies.
you talk shit about them behind they're backs, but it's only because you love them. they ditch you for another friend that has a sac on them, and your supposed to understand. you get money from your parents just to throw down sometimes, just to hang out with them, just as a social thing. social smokers don't smoke for much of a reason, sometimes they're just bored, lonely, self-medicating themselves. friends are so much more important than your parents but the majority of the time care a lot less. you call them to tell them what's really good, whine about your stupid ass boyfriend, listen to them whine about their stupid ass boyfriend. but at the end of the day, your still empty, alone, and wishing you had another joint, cigarette, dollar, life.
it isn't cool to cry over them. you'll [lose touch] with most of them mid - college.
o.your parents.
they make your life a living >HELL<
sometimes they care about you so much you want to die. sometimes they don't care about you enough and you also want to die. parents really aren't that big of a deal at this age. at least not for me. they only provide money a house clothes pay my phone bill. but where would you rather be on a saturday night? everybody loves raymond with the fam? or drinking with your friends? they're the biggest things in life you take advantage of. friends, boyfriends, depression, detention, it all goes away. but they don't.
god sometimes i really fucking wonder how i made it to sixteen.
it isn't cool to talk nice about them. [not yet].
x.boys.
oh boy(s).
i could go on and on about this subject. seriously. til im blue in the face. til im 82 in my death bed. but i won't. for me, the largest source of my sadness, angst, happiness, and love at this age has come from this category. with your parents you have sort of a rehearsed love, friends a downsized cutesy love, (god this is a whole different journal entry for another day) but with boys...it hit you hard, to the point of obsession. the good times ALWAYS outweigh the bad. They ALWAYS come back for a second try if you hope enough, although it's rare if they come back for a third. you can learn a lot from them. many don't get as attached as we do, fuck girls im a man and wait til you see my dick ill beat the pussy up blah blah blah. i know plenty of girls who try to be like that with a guy, but it usually backfires. they get hurt bad. it's because when you look him in the eyes your breathing stops for a second and you feel strangely light-headed. it's because his kisses are so sweet even when yours are sour. it's because you did this to yourself. boys simply aren't healthy. and i should know this by now.
it isn't cool to throw yourself in front of a bus if he doesn't like you. people will probably just laugh at you for a few days.
o. individuality.
everyone has something that they care about, love, want, crave, desire, but it isn't always the same. in fact it's probably empty.
it's probably cooler if it's empty.
im kind of tired of writing. im tired of what's cool and what's not im tired of keeping everything in and being in this fucking house my fingers hurt and everything on my inside aches.
i want to dream.
of soft kisses and chocolate sundaes with hot fudge.
[mmm]
So hard.
Some days this shit is pointless. i cant write how i really feel because of ridicule. some days i can write for hours. i think everyone keep feelings bottled up inside, thoughts that they just dismiss but that only grow with time.
Sometimes i just want to stay home and sleep and dream of the past, dream of things you wanted to happen. sometimes i have dreams of things i wish would happen, even though deep down i know they wont. when your young you dream of less homework, playing the videogame you've wanted since last week, riding a purple pony. but when your sixteen, the only reason a purple pony comes into your thoughts is if your on an awesome acid trip.
This is how some of us are wired
x.your friends.
become your enemies.
you talk shit about them behind they're backs, but it's only because you love them. they ditch you for another friend that has a sac on them, and your supposed to understand. you get money from your parents just to throw down sometimes, just to hang out with them, just as a social thing. social smokers don't smoke for much of a reason, sometimes they're just bored, lonely, self-medicating themselves. friends are so much more important than your parents but the majority of the time care a lot less. you call them to tell them what's really good, whine about your stupid ass boyfriend, listen to them whine about their stupid ass boyfriend. but at the end of the day, your still empty, alone, and wishing you had another joint, cigarette, dollar, life.
it isn't cool to cry over them. you'll [lose touch] with most of them mid - college.
o.your parents.
they make your life a living >HELL<
sometimes they care about you so much you want to die. sometimes they don't care about you enough and you also want to die. parents really aren't that big of a deal at this age. at least not for me. they only provide money a house clothes pay my phone bill. but where would you rather be on a saturday night? everybody loves raymond with the fam? or drinking with your friends? they're the biggest things in life you take advantage of. friends, boyfriends, depression, detention, it all goes away. but they don't.
god sometimes i really fucking wonder how i made it to sixteen.
it isn't cool to talk nice about them. [not yet].
x.boys.
oh boy(s).
i could go on and on about this subject. seriously. til im blue in the face. til im 82 in my death bed. but i won't. for me, the largest source of my sadness, angst, happiness, and love at this age has come from this category. with your parents you have sort of a rehearsed love, friends a downsized cutesy love, (god this is a whole different journal entry for another day) but with boys...it hit you hard, to the point of obsession. the good times ALWAYS outweigh the bad. They ALWAYS come back for a second try if you hope enough, although it's rare if they come back for a third. you can learn a lot from them. many don't get as attached as we do, fuck girls im a man and wait til you see my dick ill beat the pussy up blah blah blah. i know plenty of girls who try to be like that with a guy, but it usually backfires. they get hurt bad. it's because when you look him in the eyes your breathing stops for a second and you feel strangely light-headed. it's because his kisses are so sweet even when yours are sour. it's because you did this to yourself. boys simply aren't healthy. and i should know this by now.
it isn't cool to throw yourself in front of a bus if he doesn't like you. people will probably just laugh at you for a few days.
o. individuality.
everyone has something that they care about, love, want, crave, desire, but it isn't always the same. in fact it's probably empty.
it's probably cooler if it's empty.
im kind of tired of writing. im tired of what's cool and what's not im tired of keeping everything in and being in this fucking house my fingers hurt and everything on my inside aches.
i want to dream.
of soft kisses and chocolate sundaes with hot fudge.
[mmm]