I'm all out of faith
I'm hoping that maybe for the third time maybe I'll be able to get out whats going on with me. Last night after work completely sucked. I just went into one of my classical moods. I haven't had one of those nights in I don't even know how long. I'd like to say before I started working. But last night it hit me harder than it ever has. I was so sad, so angry, so not even here. If that makes any sense. I've never wanted to hit something so badly in my life. I've never wanted to just cry so bad in my life either. Called Matt at like ten after eleven...no answer. Called Ashtin then talked to her for like 20 minutes but then her new fuck buddy came over and it was like ok then I'll talk to you later. Called Sam...no answer. And then I made the mistake of calling Zach...talked to him for like a minute and I'm sorry I just have a problem with talking to people when they have people over. He said he'd call back, but was hoping he wouldn't. He never did. Called Matt again, thinking that there would be no answer and I was wrong. Talked to him until around 2. I don't know if he knew I was lying when I said I was fine again. I guess I really shouldn't lie to him, but what else can I do? I don't know if I know how to be honest anymore. I'm regressing, and the sad part is I know it. I don't even care anymore. I went to be last night thinking that the worst was over and it could only get better from here. Woke up this morning and realized the worst has even begun. I can't even begin to describe how I feel right now. It just doesn't make any sense. I don't make any sense. I'm just so unhappy. I feel like I'm living with my dad again. Except its different, I like being here. But yet I still feel the same. And for a couple of weeks now I've been thinking about it again. Thinking of ways to make it all go away... and there isnt one simple easy answer. I just want it all to be better. To be better without hurting me this time. I'm holding now but I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I don't know how strong I actually can be anymore. That is if I was ever strong to begin with.
-steph
-steph