despair & worry, keep away!
it's been a long time since i've even braved viewing this site...let alone braving writing in it. or to it.
a lot has changed. so much that i don't even remember the girl i was when i last made an entry. i know that sounds corny, but it's true.
i went from ready & enthused to being much less than both of those characteristics. out of fear of showing how much i cared and being judged by the one(s) closest to me.
i have changed a lot.
so much has happened that i had to. last year was a long, stressful, & often painful time. it makes me feel embarrassed to think of how i felt,& that i let it happen to me. i was bitter, angry, oppressive...i was hurt, & dagerously worrysome. i lost myself in a young, stupid way. but what's important now days is that i am finally bettering myself. for me.
i got into columbia chicago, & am probably heading that way in june. i will start in the fall, & am mostly terrified, but also excited...it will be bigger than me, than my problems, than my fears. fuck it--do what i do, i guess. no turning back now. i earned it, i suppose. ohh, how selfish that sounds! but now that i can, i WILL say it--i deserve it. ah, but i still cringe. i'll never be able to say it out loud, i'm sure.
i am not saying i'm this positive polly. i still have my shitstorm days. i am a workaholic (STILL), sore, so self concious, lonely, a loner. i didn't have a spring break. i am spring broke! but these are just days...not my entire life wrapped up.
i am saying that smiling feels so good that i should keep on keepin on...self preservation is work. my mom never took enough time for herself...i learned that young....so. here i am.
i am so lucky to have what i do. i know this now, & hopefully
i will never in a million years forget it.
xox
a lot has changed. so much that i don't even remember the girl i was when i last made an entry. i know that sounds corny, but it's true.
i went from ready & enthused to being much less than both of those characteristics. out of fear of showing how much i cared and being judged by the one(s) closest to me.
i have changed a lot.
so much has happened that i had to. last year was a long, stressful, & often painful time. it makes me feel embarrassed to think of how i felt,& that i let it happen to me. i was bitter, angry, oppressive...i was hurt, & dagerously worrysome. i lost myself in a young, stupid way. but what's important now days is that i am finally bettering myself. for me.
i got into columbia chicago, & am probably heading that way in june. i will start in the fall, & am mostly terrified, but also excited...it will be bigger than me, than my problems, than my fears. fuck it--do what i do, i guess. no turning back now. i earned it, i suppose. ohh, how selfish that sounds! but now that i can, i WILL say it--i deserve it. ah, but i still cringe. i'll never be able to say it out loud, i'm sure.
i am not saying i'm this positive polly. i still have my shitstorm days. i am a workaholic (STILL), sore, so self concious, lonely, a loner. i didn't have a spring break. i am spring broke! but these are just days...not my entire life wrapped up.
i am saying that smiling feels so good that i should keep on keepin on...self preservation is work. my mom never took enough time for herself...i learned that young....so. here i am.
i am so lucky to have what i do. i know this now, & hopefully
i will never in a million years forget it.
xox