(no subject)
I'm not sure what caused me to come back here. Last night I sat up until 2 am reading all of these entries and... I felt a little bit neurotic afterward I went from crying to feeling embarrassed to laughter, excitement and amazement. I had just relived 5 years of my life in such a short period of time and I felt exhausted afterward. For about two years I was really starting to doubt myself and after this I saw that my personal development was still going on I just was so used to documenting it that I forgot that even if I can't reflect back on my life in text, that doesn't mean that change is not taking place.
I am so relieved that I came out of all of this okay. I was really reckless...I could have fallen to addiction, gotten pregnant, failed out of college, gotten in a car accident I mean...seriously WOW I am so lucky that I somehow came out of this a fairly decent and chill adult.
While I am shocked at the amount of dumb decisions I made, it appears that I had a great deal of fun making them so I really can't say that I regret any of this.
As of lately, I'm going through another big change. Bobby and I bought a house together and are going pretty strong with our relationship but for the next few months he will be in Kentucky and I am going to use this time to squash this life long battle of co-dependence I apparently know so well. After last night I felt reunited with a part of myself that I've buried with the anxieties of adulthood for the past few years. I lost sight of that sense of timelessness and self love that I used to embrace as a teenager. As I fell asleep last night I felt comfortable sleeping alone. I didn't need melatonin...I had the most vivid dreams and when I woke there was not my usual pang of anxiousness and dread I felt comfortable on my own, a whole person.
The light shimmers through these fall leaves through my blinds dancing across my face
I stretch and admire my body-what seems like endless smooth hills of fleshy ivory with the occasional freckle and mole.
I've slept for years here
McKinney so sleepy, quiet and beautiful who would have thought I would open my eyes here?
Something begins to pull on my limbs some thrust of life that is desperately trying to usher me back into this familiar consciousness
The swirls of colors and patterns- it would have been impossible for me to hide her forever
Her childish smile, her hair blowing in her face
Her laughter woke me and I realized she was never the enemy, how I love her
I embrace her along with this new version of self I have acquired
It's time to become whole again, to remember and to move forward as one
Suddenly, I start to see that the sky outside is inviting rather than intimidating. The trees need climbing and the grass if for laying and rolling about.
All this time she talked about leaving to somewhere far away only to awaken and realize everything she loves is right here.
Colors of greens, blues and yellows, elephant sculptures and peacock feathers, cats, backyards and overstuffed couches, pumpkins and the smell of fall when she opens the door- this all comes in a rush.
We are awake!
I am so relieved that I came out of all of this okay. I was really reckless...I could have fallen to addiction, gotten pregnant, failed out of college, gotten in a car accident I mean...seriously WOW I am so lucky that I somehow came out of this a fairly decent and chill adult.
While I am shocked at the amount of dumb decisions I made, it appears that I had a great deal of fun making them so I really can't say that I regret any of this.
As of lately, I'm going through another big change. Bobby and I bought a house together and are going pretty strong with our relationship but for the next few months he will be in Kentucky and I am going to use this time to squash this life long battle of co-dependence I apparently know so well. After last night I felt reunited with a part of myself that I've buried with the anxieties of adulthood for the past few years. I lost sight of that sense of timelessness and self love that I used to embrace as a teenager. As I fell asleep last night I felt comfortable sleeping alone. I didn't need melatonin...I had the most vivid dreams and when I woke there was not my usual pang of anxiousness and dread I felt comfortable on my own, a whole person.
The light shimmers through these fall leaves through my blinds dancing across my face
I stretch and admire my body-what seems like endless smooth hills of fleshy ivory with the occasional freckle and mole.
I've slept for years here
McKinney so sleepy, quiet and beautiful who would have thought I would open my eyes here?
Something begins to pull on my limbs some thrust of life that is desperately trying to usher me back into this familiar consciousness
The swirls of colors and patterns- it would have been impossible for me to hide her forever
Her childish smile, her hair blowing in her face
Her laughter woke me and I realized she was never the enemy, how I love her
I embrace her along with this new version of self I have acquired
It's time to become whole again, to remember and to move forward as one
Suddenly, I start to see that the sky outside is inviting rather than intimidating. The trees need climbing and the grass if for laying and rolling about.
All this time she talked about leaving to somewhere far away only to awaken and realize everything she loves is right here.
Colors of greens, blues and yellows, elephant sculptures and peacock feathers, cats, backyards and overstuffed couches, pumpkins and the smell of fall when she opens the door- this all comes in a rush.
We are awake!