House of Glass Fallen Down
I'm in the middle of the Black Rock Forest alone in a huge lodge. This couldn't possibly replicate the way I feel about my life in general. I'm alone. At one point in my life I would've been terribly sad by this. I would've been heart broken about this. I would've cried myself to sleep, and asked myself why. But, this time, I have come to realize that my condition is not new to me. I have faced many battles alone. I have lived a lonely life, but I have survived. I have overcome. I continue to do so. It's amazing you know. When you sit down and plan out your life, it never really quite turns out the way you would've imagined.
At sixteen, I thought that I would be settled by the time I was 21. I don't know where the fuck I came up with that ridiculous idea. But, I imagined that I'd be in college, married to Danny, stable, happy, financially well off, and successful.
That didn't happen for obvious reasons. I broke up with Danny, and college is not exactly helping out my poorness.
At 18, I lost myself, because I wasn't sure where the hell I was supposed to go. I struggled to find myself, and many times I thought that I had. Many times I thought I knew where I was headed. I thought I had it all figured out, and then it became increasingly clear that I didn't know where the fuck I was going.
At 19, I found myself running away from home to a place unknown to me. For some time, I managed to escape the hecticness of the reality of my life. I was happy momentarily. Then, I found love. I was even happier, but soon reality struck me once again.
At 20, I decided that I would be happier elsewhere. I thought that if I followed the love in my heart to a more familiar place, everything would be just fine, but I was so very very very mistaken. The love was always there, but the relationship was slowly deteriorating. And now, there's nothing of it left. There's lingering emotion, but that always just further complicates the situation.
As I struggled to understand where I was in my life, I fell into a dark, deep depression, which I managed to overcome with the help of my then lover, myself, my friends, and the beauty of life. I am working towards a better place for myself without negativity or at least as little negativity as possible. I am struggling to maintain an air of calm and happiness- an air of stability.
There are times where my rational mind struggles with my excited heart that send me into whirlwinds of confusion like the one that I am experiencing now. So, I sit down and wonder what I should and shouldn't do, and it all comes down to one thing. How do you let go of something that you've worked so hard time and again to get back?
There's no simple answer to that question, but I did what I thought was best. I expressed my uncensored feelings. I said everything that was on my mind- the good, the bad, the in between. And, at the end of the night, I found myself alone.
There's a part of me of course that wants to take it all back. There's a part of me that is sad. There's a part of me full of regret.
But, there's a greater part of me that realizes that I don't need any selfishness in my life.
There's a part of me that understands that I have done the right thing.
And as 21 nears its ugly head with more fury and pride, I struggle to be a better, happier person, even if that means, that I will be alone....
At sixteen, I thought that I would be settled by the time I was 21. I don't know where the fuck I came up with that ridiculous idea. But, I imagined that I'd be in college, married to Danny, stable, happy, financially well off, and successful.
That didn't happen for obvious reasons. I broke up with Danny, and college is not exactly helping out my poorness.
At 18, I lost myself, because I wasn't sure where the hell I was supposed to go. I struggled to find myself, and many times I thought that I had. Many times I thought I knew where I was headed. I thought I had it all figured out, and then it became increasingly clear that I didn't know where the fuck I was going.
At 19, I found myself running away from home to a place unknown to me. For some time, I managed to escape the hecticness of the reality of my life. I was happy momentarily. Then, I found love. I was even happier, but soon reality struck me once again.
At 20, I decided that I would be happier elsewhere. I thought that if I followed the love in my heart to a more familiar place, everything would be just fine, but I was so very very very mistaken. The love was always there, but the relationship was slowly deteriorating. And now, there's nothing of it left. There's lingering emotion, but that always just further complicates the situation.
As I struggled to understand where I was in my life, I fell into a dark, deep depression, which I managed to overcome with the help of my then lover, myself, my friends, and the beauty of life. I am working towards a better place for myself without negativity or at least as little negativity as possible. I am struggling to maintain an air of calm and happiness- an air of stability.
There are times where my rational mind struggles with my excited heart that send me into whirlwinds of confusion like the one that I am experiencing now. So, I sit down and wonder what I should and shouldn't do, and it all comes down to one thing. How do you let go of something that you've worked so hard time and again to get back?
There's no simple answer to that question, but I did what I thought was best. I expressed my uncensored feelings. I said everything that was on my mind- the good, the bad, the in between. And, at the end of the night, I found myself alone.
There's a part of me of course that wants to take it all back. There's a part of me that is sad. There's a part of me full of regret.
But, there's a greater part of me that realizes that I don't need any selfishness in my life.
There's a part of me that understands that I have done the right thing.
And as 21 nears its ugly head with more fury and pride, I struggle to be a better, happier person, even if that means, that I will be alone....