(no subject)
three months ago i was awoken at 630am when my dad left for the hospital. by 730am i found out.
i still can't believe it all happened. i still have moments where i call the house expecting her to answer. four months ago i was taking finals and had no idea. I remember that intial phone call clear as day - I remember rushing to the hospital for the first of many times I'd be spending hours there.
i still cry everyday. apparently im depressed. im on sleeping and anxiety medicine so i can attempt to function. but one anxiety attack paralyzes me all day. my advisor wants me to wait and graduate in december 2012 - but how could i do that. why should i do that. i've already lost so many things in my life - why should i loose the last that marks my success in something. (not meant to be offensive if waiting to graduate). i dont think i've ever felt so alone - even when surrounded by so many people. this isn't me. this isn't jamie who loves college - and loves seeing her friends and loves drinking. everytime i go out i get upset. i end up staying in and watching netflix while kerry goes out with people. i feel like a burden when people stay in with me. its just an endless cycle that i end up laying here at 4am crying and wishing i could have it all back.
believe me - i know i sound pathetic. but i needed to put it in words and not just thoughts running through my head. and considering i feel like most stopped reading - probably the best place to do it.
this wasn't the fourth year i was expecting thats for sure.
rest in peace katherine anne kirschner dean. i miss you.
i still can't believe it all happened. i still have moments where i call the house expecting her to answer. four months ago i was taking finals and had no idea. I remember that intial phone call clear as day - I remember rushing to the hospital for the first of many times I'd be spending hours there.
i still cry everyday. apparently im depressed. im on sleeping and anxiety medicine so i can attempt to function. but one anxiety attack paralyzes me all day. my advisor wants me to wait and graduate in december 2012 - but how could i do that. why should i do that. i've already lost so many things in my life - why should i loose the last that marks my success in something. (not meant to be offensive if waiting to graduate). i dont think i've ever felt so alone - even when surrounded by so many people. this isn't me. this isn't jamie who loves college - and loves seeing her friends and loves drinking. everytime i go out i get upset. i end up staying in and watching netflix while kerry goes out with people. i feel like a burden when people stay in with me. its just an endless cycle that i end up laying here at 4am crying and wishing i could have it all back.
believe me - i know i sound pathetic. but i needed to put it in words and not just thoughts running through my head. and considering i feel like most stopped reading - probably the best place to do it.
this wasn't the fourth year i was expecting thats for sure.
rest in peace katherine anne kirschner dean. i miss you.