i feel like this is the only place where i can openly state this and not be judged.
i'm not sure what i'm looking for - i'm not sure why everything is happening right now but i feel like if i write everything down that has happened recently i'll feel some sense of sanity bc i right now i feel like everything is out of my control and i do not like it.
to everyone who asks if i'm okay - and how things are going. i lie everytime. things aren't okay and i'm worried about my family and i'm scared. im trying but im scared as hell.
so two thursdays ago was a blow up due to alcohol. saturday after that was the day i found out my mom was going to be going to rehab. i was told that if she did not willingly go, then i would have to formally testify aganist her for it to be court ordered. i freaked out. that weekend i was alone. by alone i mean ya'll were at home, caitlin was at vcu, and meaghan was in florida. i felt like i didn't have anyone to help me. jaynie helped me deal with the initial freak out. my dad couldn't face me for long.
i didn't sleep saturday night. sunday meaghan got home around 4 and immediately questioned me about the whole situation and i dealt with it okay. i got freaked out that night when my mom tried to call me and didn't answer. i talked to anne and she made me feel like superwoman. she told me if anyone can handle this it would be me. and it meant the world to me. i had a meeting then came home and began what turned into an anxiety attack. i was drowning in work and all i could think about was the situation of having to testify. meaghan sat with me till i calmed down but i wasn't okay. i put on my fake okay attitude and let it all slide.
monday i found out i wouldn't have to testify. at 1230am that night i called and left my mom a message on the answering machine telling her no matter what i would love her and that she was stronger than she could ever imagine and that i would be there for her when this was all over. the next morning my dad told me to not go to class and stay by my phone for emergencies and such. she never called me. she was never drunker going into rehab. she never called. as in didnt even address it. i forgave her. everything was changing for the better. hence the lj post.
friday night was my initation. it was amazing. i came home to change inbetween the ceremony and party and had messages from family members about the situation - asking if i was okay and such. it rubbed me the wrong way. my excitement turned into anger when i started drinking and i didn't control myself. i started drinking at 1140 and i passed out between 1am and 130am. i dont the exact details because i do not remember but i passed out standing up and slammed my head into a cabinet and fell to the ground. the next thing i remember is being sick outside with meaghan and michelle (a fourth year) taking care of me. i was crying and i was hurt. after that all i remember is meaghan laying in bed with me trying to calm me down.
i was really embarassed saturday. and then got a phone call from the hospital that night that my mom was in the ER for a split open head and they couldn't find my dad. one of my BIGGEST fears in the world is not being able to find my dad. i freaked. it took everything i could do to not have an anxiety attack. thank god he finally called.
sunday was fine and monday i was determined to make this week better. that afternoon my dad called me to tell me that my mother had discharged herself from rehab. i dont understand the circumstances but i was PISSED. that wasn't even that bad until i got a phone call from her. i should not have answered it. after her phone call i did not relax until meaghan held me for 20min last night while i just cried. i have no answers. i have no idea what to do. and i have never heard my dad be so genuinely angry before that conversation. my dad won't talk to me bc he is so angry and doesn't want to hurt me.
i know this whole ordeal is ridiculous. i 100% agree. but i can't do anything about it and i can't seem to convince myself that things are gunna be okay anymore. but from somewhere i still have hope even if i have to fight for it.
to everyone who asks if i'm okay - and how things are going. i lie everytime. things aren't okay and i'm worried about my family and i'm scared. im trying but im scared as hell.
so two thursdays ago was a blow up due to alcohol. saturday after that was the day i found out my mom was going to be going to rehab. i was told that if she did not willingly go, then i would have to formally testify aganist her for it to be court ordered. i freaked out. that weekend i was alone. by alone i mean ya'll were at home, caitlin was at vcu, and meaghan was in florida. i felt like i didn't have anyone to help me. jaynie helped me deal with the initial freak out. my dad couldn't face me for long.
i didn't sleep saturday night. sunday meaghan got home around 4 and immediately questioned me about the whole situation and i dealt with it okay. i got freaked out that night when my mom tried to call me and didn't answer. i talked to anne and she made me feel like superwoman. she told me if anyone can handle this it would be me. and it meant the world to me. i had a meeting then came home and began what turned into an anxiety attack. i was drowning in work and all i could think about was the situation of having to testify. meaghan sat with me till i calmed down but i wasn't okay. i put on my fake okay attitude and let it all slide.
monday i found out i wouldn't have to testify. at 1230am that night i called and left my mom a message on the answering machine telling her no matter what i would love her and that she was stronger than she could ever imagine and that i would be there for her when this was all over. the next morning my dad told me to not go to class and stay by my phone for emergencies and such. she never called me. she was never drunker going into rehab. she never called. as in didnt even address it. i forgave her. everything was changing for the better. hence the lj post.
friday night was my initation. it was amazing. i came home to change inbetween the ceremony and party and had messages from family members about the situation - asking if i was okay and such. it rubbed me the wrong way. my excitement turned into anger when i started drinking and i didn't control myself. i started drinking at 1140 and i passed out between 1am and 130am. i dont the exact details because i do not remember but i passed out standing up and slammed my head into a cabinet and fell to the ground. the next thing i remember is being sick outside with meaghan and michelle (a fourth year) taking care of me. i was crying and i was hurt. after that all i remember is meaghan laying in bed with me trying to calm me down.
i was really embarassed saturday. and then got a phone call from the hospital that night that my mom was in the ER for a split open head and they couldn't find my dad. one of my BIGGEST fears in the world is not being able to find my dad. i freaked. it took everything i could do to not have an anxiety attack. thank god he finally called.
sunday was fine and monday i was determined to make this week better. that afternoon my dad called me to tell me that my mother had discharged herself from rehab. i dont understand the circumstances but i was PISSED. that wasn't even that bad until i got a phone call from her. i should not have answered it. after her phone call i did not relax until meaghan held me for 20min last night while i just cried. i have no answers. i have no idea what to do. and i have never heard my dad be so genuinely angry before that conversation. my dad won't talk to me bc he is so angry and doesn't want to hurt me.
i know this whole ordeal is ridiculous. i 100% agree. but i can't do anything about it and i can't seem to convince myself that things are gunna be okay anymore. but from somewhere i still have hope even if i have to fight for it.