Hello From The Gutter Part 2

[xxbeefeaterxx]

hello all, this post is not really for ne body this is just me venting so ignore it ....... im a lil. depressed right now .......... i see my life going nowhere........ im stuck in an array of dead end jobs....... knee deep in debt....... i have been in construction for almost 8 years now and i have nothing to show for it........ ive tried looking into trade skool but they want like $20,000 for a cram course that some big name companies might or might not take me seriously........ im almost 24 years old and im still living w/ my parents...... the latest job i have i havent even been there for 2 mos. yet....... i need stability, i need job security, but above all i need help...... i can't do this alone...... for a while i thaught everything was gonna be ok and things would eventually turn for me and i can do good things with my life..... and not just for me, but for all the people i have grown to love and respect........ i have to get out of my parents house and get out on my own..... but im scared..... my whole life people have been taking care of me...... ive have never been able to do nething on my own and without oweing somebody something..... and now that i have that chance, i have cold feet...... goddamnit i was a marine..... if it wasent for my body i would have made it through the toughest basic training that ne millitary in the wordhas to offer..... but even at that i failed....... and even though it seems, to fail at something great iisint all that bad as long as u tried...... it still hurts...... in all actuallity it hurts worse than anything else....... to try so hard at something that u give it something that u never that u had...... just to fail...... it feels like every thing u haver ever done in ur life, was done in vain........ that all of the things u have accomplished over ur life span, no matter how small it may seem to other people, or how large it seems to u, means nothing........... i have tried my whole life to make the people i love happy, and i have failed....... the people that i truly loved have decived me, and the people i trusted have stolen from me........ i feel like i have never seen anyones true face...... and even if i have..... do i really want to see it?????? but i guess i get what i deserve.... i have done alot of bad things during the course of my life...... and the only hope i have now is that the people i have done wrong to can forgive me....... and mabey if i try to continue to lead a good and clean life..... i can be free.... free of anger, free of hate, free of the guilt that i hold for everything that i have ever done...... i once wrote that i feel no regrets, that all my mistakes have made me stronger...... i now realize that all of my succsess have made me weaker........ even though i have more mistakes than succeses...... the things that i succeed in make me weak...... too bad life doesnt come w/ an instruction booklet..... they dont tell u what to do when everything u have worked for 4 ur entire life is ripped away from u and all u can do is sit there and watch it happen......there is nothing u can do to change the past..... all u can do is shape ur future...... i wonder how mine will work out...... whatever i do, i hope some people will let me help them on the way...... cause if the only thing my presence on this planet changes is the life of someone else....... then i will at least find comphert in the fact that i have made someone happy and that i have made someone else's life better than mine....... even if none of my dreams come true, mabey someone else's can...... at the beggining of this post i was depressed....... but now that i have gotten all of that out and i wrote what was truly hurting me..... i feel this wave of acomplishment running over me...... like i have made a breakthrough in my own mind...... this is why i like L.J...... sometimes telling ur self how u feel can change the way u feel...... i dont know if any of this has made ne sence to ne one..... but i dont really care...... i will close this post with a personal quote...... "You can become as many people as you want, but the only person who really cares is you."...... take that how ever u want..... but i know what i mean, i know how i feel, and noone can tell me who i am.

That Is All

Thomas J. Parkin