(no subject)
so i'm updating for the first time in a very long time. i'm in a weird mood and have nothing to do. i should be studying since my grades have lacked majorly this term, but im not. i've been thinking a lot lately, about college and after college and i realize how old im getting. in 2 1/2 years i'll be packing my bags going to college. that's insane. it feels like just yesterday i was sitting in mrs. grady's 3rd grade classroom with nicki behind the red bookcase. time is moving so fast and i want it to slow down!
i have a weird feeling i'm going to try my damnedest to explain. it's a feeling that time is escaping me that i should be more already. that high school should be more fun than this. i get so caught up in school and sports and family and the knee that i don't realize how much time is just escaping me. i feel as though everyone is running by me and i'm desperately trying to keep up, but i just can't. i just want to yell for time to stop. i don't want to get older, i want to stay like this forever. every moment that ticks by is another moment i haven't really lived. i've always kind of been on the outskirts. i talk to everyone at school but when it comes to weekends im sitting here alone in front of my computer. i'm not complaining, i like my alone time but i feel like if these are the best times of our lives then what the world has to offer can't be that grand. there is so much outside of mendon that i've never gotten to see. so much that i've never gotten to do. let's face it guys -- we live in a bubble. we don't know real suffering or real pain. we've never been poor, much as we joke, we all live in comfortable homes with the perverbial "white picket fences". to so many people this is the american dream. living in a place as perfect as the suburbs is something kids in poor countries and inner cities can only dream of. we're so lucky and we don't even know it. we don't live knowing, in the back of our heads, that the building we're standing could blow up at anytime like they do in the middle east. we in the suburbs aren't ravaged by TB and AIDS, watching our parents die slowly and painfully and knowing that we are going to as well like they do in Africa. our country is not war torn like the Congo or Croatia or Iraq. our towns are not filled with destitute people who have never even seen a computer let alone the internet or an episode of West Wing or the OC or One Tree Hill. there are people in the world that know nothing except for poverty and despair and pain and fear. but we go on day to day and we cry over television shows and songs and water fights and fist fights and losses in big games, because it's all we know. and maybe it's this place, there are millions just like us who's biggest concern is buying a $90 pair of jeans from hollister or a new shirt at abercrombie or american eagle (or puma in my case). and we're shielded from so much of the world. sure there are some aspects of our lives that aren't perfect, we all have our 'desperate housewives' style secrets, things that are deep and dark and not acceptable to talk about because it could mean we would lose face with our peers but in the grand scheme of things we don't suffer. and most of us will go on this way for the rest of our lives, we'll go to college and pick a career and get married and have kids and move to the suburbs and get divorced and get re-married and live happily ever after. but there are some people that you look at and you know they are going to change the world. and i don't know maybe they give the world meaning. maybe it's the people working for nothing in africa and asia trying to help those people less fortunate that deserve our admiration, maybe instead of worshipping rock stars and televison stars and movie stars like we all do (myself included) we should worship them for what they do. maybe the world is not all it's cracked up to be.