So, I've been having some issues rear their ugly heads again.

[xxbakacoconutxx]

It tends to happen around this time of year, but I haven't had this sort of thing happen in this kind of intensity for the longest time.

Comments

[venturous1]

I know childhood depressions exists because I lived it. So I hear you - as an 8 yr old I asked too many questions and worried about big things that everyone else laughed off.

My inherent darkness takes different shapes than yours; I came to believe in reincarnation at about age 12 - I can;t even remember how, but what makes sense to me is that we're here to evolve, and if I take my own life, it's only going to send me right back to do it again. That somehow our living energy is somehow recycled.

I could try this argument with you: if the experience will be nothingness, lights-out and no feeling, how can that be frightening? you wont be there to care. Sure, there's the irrevocable-ness, but once it's done, there's nothing to fear.

What makes me want to give up is how ignorant and cruel humans are, how hell-bent on destroying and dominating the world. In my 20s environmental issues seemed so bleak to me I was suicidal. To this day I am most terrified of how people can hurt me.

Now I'm a 50-something. (how did THAT happen? **boggles**) Both of my parents are dead. I'm afraid I'll get cancer and suffer like they did. But I think when it's time to die I will welcome 'the next great adventure', even if it's nothingness.

forgive my long musing -- I am grateful to you for telling the truth about this. All of us wrestle with this, we just dont talk about it, pretend everything is 'fine.'

Living IS unbearably precious. I aim to be awake and aware of as much of it as possible. I wish for you days filled with good living. Let the magic of all the life on the planet and beyond buoy your spirits, and worry about the end....later.

[xxbakacoconutxx]

Thank you so much for sharing that, it's always really helpful to know that I'm not alone, and while we have different beliefs, we can still relate to each other. The thing about not caring about being nothing, because I won't be aware of it, is actually something that a lot of atheists feel. Most people I talk to about this feel that way, and don't quite get where I'm coming from, and there's not really a good way for me to describe it, so I just kind of accept that and move on.

As far as human cruelty and nature, that was a huge part of my depression when I was younger, so I know what you mean. It's hard to live through, but I know that at least in my tiny section of the world, I try to keep things kind, understanding, accepting, and safe. That's all I can really do, so I'll try my hardest to do it.

Thank you so much for the well wishes and being so positive, and I wish all the same for you. And I'm more than happy to read any and all rants :D