"so even though you're so close to me you're still so distant, and i can't bring you back..."
Work was ruthless. When i got there i was already in a foul mood. Abbey (my manager) was talkin to some friend of hers for 45 minutes. Amongst their chatter, she was talking about losing her paycheck. She said that she'd even asked Spidy if he'd seen it, who'd stayed there for the past three nites...i remembered how she'd come into work Monday talking about someone staying over that nite...i felt sick and had to run to the back...needless to say, that didn't put me in a much better mood.
i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, or why any of this matters...but it does. Charlie came over and we watched "The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind" or whatever it's called...then we went out on the balcony for a minute before he left. I was looking around and noticing how the orange Halloween lites cast a soft glow on everything around me...made everything seem that much more pleasant...i looked at my hands, which tend to look rough and overworked, now seemingly soft and cared for...i looked at Charlie...and then Spidy's face flashed through my mind...his face, and the soft glow that had graced it so many times before...*le sigh*
i don't understand the hold this boy has on me...i don't understand it, and i don't like it. Especially with it being so hopeless and all. I almost know that i'll see him again. Every person who's left such an impact on me seems to pop back up at some point, if only in passing, as though to give my strength some sort of durability testing. For God's sake, he lives two minutes down the road, and his mother works at the closest grocery store. Plus he works across the street from me and he's good friends with my manager. Hell, he got me my job. I'm almost positive that i'll see him again, eventually. I'm keeping myself fairly scarce for the time being. But i seriously doubt that we'll ever speak again. I won't call him. I'm not going to put myself out on the line like that this time. It's not my place. It's not my style. And i'm sure that he's perfectly fine without me in his life. He doesn't want to speak to me anymore. So be it. Then why do i keep going over this in my head like there's something that can be done? I had stopped. I had settled the ongoing dispute that my head was having with my heart. Then it had to be brought up again...I argued until my head hurt, and my defenses began to falter, and now here i am again. In the EXACT same place that i was in a week ago. Hell, probably down to the minute...
I have to wake up for work in 4 1/2 hours. Trent came in towards the end of the movie and decided to make himself at home in my bed...even though i told him not to go in there. Of course, not before letting the cats out. All four of them...So, i had to hunt them down, and now it looks like i'm going to be sleeping on the couch. If i can manage to sleep at all. My head's spinning again...
"It's true the way i feel
was promised by your face.
The sound of your voice
is painted on my memory,
even if you're not with me
i'm with you..."
i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, or why any of this matters...but it does. Charlie came over and we watched "The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind" or whatever it's called...then we went out on the balcony for a minute before he left. I was looking around and noticing how the orange Halloween lites cast a soft glow on everything around me...made everything seem that much more pleasant...i looked at my hands, which tend to look rough and overworked, now seemingly soft and cared for...i looked at Charlie...and then Spidy's face flashed through my mind...his face, and the soft glow that had graced it so many times before...*le sigh*
i don't understand the hold this boy has on me...i don't understand it, and i don't like it. Especially with it being so hopeless and all. I almost know that i'll see him again. Every person who's left such an impact on me seems to pop back up at some point, if only in passing, as though to give my strength some sort of durability testing. For God's sake, he lives two minutes down the road, and his mother works at the closest grocery store. Plus he works across the street from me and he's good friends with my manager. Hell, he got me my job. I'm almost positive that i'll see him again, eventually. I'm keeping myself fairly scarce for the time being. But i seriously doubt that we'll ever speak again. I won't call him. I'm not going to put myself out on the line like that this time. It's not my place. It's not my style. And i'm sure that he's perfectly fine without me in his life. He doesn't want to speak to me anymore. So be it. Then why do i keep going over this in my head like there's something that can be done? I had stopped. I had settled the ongoing dispute that my head was having with my heart. Then it had to be brought up again...I argued until my head hurt, and my defenses began to falter, and now here i am again. In the EXACT same place that i was in a week ago. Hell, probably down to the minute...
I have to wake up for work in 4 1/2 hours. Trent came in towards the end of the movie and decided to make himself at home in my bed...even though i told him not to go in there. Of course, not before letting the cats out. All four of them...So, i had to hunt them down, and now it looks like i'm going to be sleeping on the couch. If i can manage to sleep at all. My head's spinning again...
"It's true the way i feel
was promised by your face.
The sound of your voice
is painted on my memory,
even if you're not with me
i'm with you..."