(no subject)
After many sleeping pills, I've finally decided to get out of bed, and think about things. Although this journal is what got me into trouble in the first place, I feel as though this is the only place I can write down my thoughts in an honest way.
I feel like shit. I have managed to screw up something that was SO good. How could I be so dumb? Somebody's hurting so badly right now, somebody that I would NEVER want to see hurt..and it's all my fault.
Over the past few months, I've become so close to this guy..I told him things I've never told people before, because I've always been afraid, always self-conscious, unable to open up. I kept one thing from him. One thing. And again, part of it was because I was scared, but another part was because I didn't want to hurt him. I guess that doesn't matter anymore, because he's hurt anyway, and he's probably hurting even more because he shouldn't have found out like this.
It's not like I wanted to keep anything from him. It's not like I'm proud of what I did, or happy, or whatever. I wish it never happened. If I could take it back, I would. My friends know...my GIRL friends know..I wish I had never met Alain. I've been saying that since the day I lost it to him. I think that's the only reason why I've even kept in contact with him in the first place. He took a part of me that I can't have back. And it was so important to me.
Sure, he's a good looking guy. He dresses nice. But none of that matters. I know HIM, and I can't stand the way he is, the way he thinks, his personality. He's nothing. He's got no brains, and he's just a plain asshole. I know this. I know that my boyfriend is a billion times better in looks, and in personality, then Alain will ever be. Alain is nothing. I know that one day, karma is gonna come and bite him in the ass, and he's gonna get fucked over. I know, because it's happening to him already.
So now my boyfriend doesn't trust me. Obviously I don't blame him. But it hurts so bad to hear him say that. It hurts to know that this is my fault. I say 'I love you' and I get no response. It HURTS. And now I try to explain things to him, I try to apologize to him, and he can't believe me, because of this one thing.
I'm disgusted with myself.
I never knew that one kiss, one touch, would lead to this.
I never knew it would hurt so bad.
I want my boyfriend back. I want it to go back to the way it was, and now it can't and it's my fucking fault, and I don't know what to do about it, I don't know how to fix it and I want to, and I can't.
I'm scared, I'm so scared to lose this guy that I care so much about.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
I made a mistake. I'm human. I'm SORRY. I can't take it back, now. There's nothing I can do, but apologize a billion times. But he doesn't BELIEVE me.
I feel like...I don't know. I just wish I could hold him and kiss him and tell him I love him and make him forget, and I wanna forget, too.
I fucked things up, and I fucked them up good.
Why the fuck do I have to be so stupid? Why do I always have to mess things up?
I feel like shit. I have managed to screw up something that was SO good. How could I be so dumb? Somebody's hurting so badly right now, somebody that I would NEVER want to see hurt..and it's all my fault.
Over the past few months, I've become so close to this guy..I told him things I've never told people before, because I've always been afraid, always self-conscious, unable to open up. I kept one thing from him. One thing. And again, part of it was because I was scared, but another part was because I didn't want to hurt him. I guess that doesn't matter anymore, because he's hurt anyway, and he's probably hurting even more because he shouldn't have found out like this.
It's not like I wanted to keep anything from him. It's not like I'm proud of what I did, or happy, or whatever. I wish it never happened. If I could take it back, I would. My friends know...my GIRL friends know..I wish I had never met Alain. I've been saying that since the day I lost it to him. I think that's the only reason why I've even kept in contact with him in the first place. He took a part of me that I can't have back. And it was so important to me.
Sure, he's a good looking guy. He dresses nice. But none of that matters. I know HIM, and I can't stand the way he is, the way he thinks, his personality. He's nothing. He's got no brains, and he's just a plain asshole. I know this. I know that my boyfriend is a billion times better in looks, and in personality, then Alain will ever be. Alain is nothing. I know that one day, karma is gonna come and bite him in the ass, and he's gonna get fucked over. I know, because it's happening to him already.
So now my boyfriend doesn't trust me. Obviously I don't blame him. But it hurts so bad to hear him say that. It hurts to know that this is my fault. I say 'I love you' and I get no response. It HURTS. And now I try to explain things to him, I try to apologize to him, and he can't believe me, because of this one thing.
I'm disgusted with myself.
I never knew that one kiss, one touch, would lead to this.
I never knew it would hurt so bad.
I want my boyfriend back. I want it to go back to the way it was, and now it can't and it's my fucking fault, and I don't know what to do about it, I don't know how to fix it and I want to, and I can't.
I'm scared, I'm so scared to lose this guy that I care so much about.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
I made a mistake. I'm human. I'm SORRY. I can't take it back, now. There's nothing I can do, but apologize a billion times. But he doesn't BELIEVE me.
I feel like...I don't know. I just wish I could hold him and kiss him and tell him I love him and make him forget, and I wanna forget, too.
I fucked things up, and I fucked them up good.
Why the fuck do I have to be so stupid? Why do I always have to mess things up?