(no subject)
How to Become a Successful Writer
Do not write. Do not write, about people, or about life events. Do not meet people. Do not meet people, because they will give you ideas for stories. Do not talk to people who are interesting or unique. Do not talk to people about their lives, because these are just plot lines you should never commit to paper. Do not share your own experiences with other people. Do not experience any of the five senses: the scent of roses at your father’s funeral or the touch of your lover’s hand moving slowly up your thigh. Do not write late at night, with the moonlight as your inspiration. Do not write at any time of day. Do not get inspired. An original idea? Do not think. Do not think about reality as fiction or people as characters. Do not think of what to write. Do not think of anything at all. Most stories are written about the events of real life. Most stories are written about the life of the author.
Attend college and declare your major in Biology. Go to Med School. Work in a lab. Make sure you spend hours alone with cell cultures and try to find a cure for cancer. Do not have time to yourself. Do not let your mind wander. Do not exercise your imagination. Do not dream when you sleep at night, with that same goddamn moonlight mocking the atrophy of your creative spirit. Everyone is a potential writer. And failure. You are the failure. You are young, ambitious, and original. You are the same as the unfinished manuscript taking up space on your computer hard drive, the same as the rejected screenplay that is now metaphorically being used as the lighter fluid to incinerate your dreams. Do not use metaphors to express your writer’s block. Do not write simple haikus about the weather in May. Do not write fiction stories for that creative writing elective you misguidedly enrolled in. Do not let other writers read your work. You must express yourself in a safer manner.
Do not try so hard.
Do read novels, or poems, or short stories. Do memorize the prose of Shakespeare if you have the time. Do steal the ideas of others. Come as close as possible to plagiarism. Embezzle. Bootleg. Use the words of those who have succeeded where you falter as the foundation to keep you stable and focused. Replicate a work: duplicate, imitate, a carbon copy of a knockoff. Resist the temptation to imagine a new environment or species to fulfill the needs of your literary masterpiece. Be routine: Remember that everything you want to say has been said more eloquently by someone else. Paraphrase. Use citations. Follow the charted course.
Still you will fail. It is inevitable. Your story is a smoldering fire, extinguishing a field that has been abandoned for greener, more fertile pastures.
eh, not too happy with it. but it's 5pm and it's due...