(no subject)
10:30pm sunday november 12, 2006.
weather: rain. on and off monsoon-style winds with intense fog and limited visibility.
(kind of describes my current mental state)
((i cry, i weep, i bawl. my eyes are swollen to the point of blindness. i am miserable and violently depressed, but this is all just relative to how ive been these past few months.))
scene: alone. in front of a computer. talking to no one about nothing. scratch that. giving relationship advice even though ive never been in a successful relationship. and i havent had a boyfriend in 2 years. or even a guy who hasnt just used me for sex.
character: me. see also: typical. see also: emo. see also: girl. ripped jeans. messy hair. black tshirt. smudged eyeliner. going for the whole grungy hasnt showered in days and couldnt care less type of look.
situation: lonely as fuck. and lovely in her utter despair and complete lack of hope. she has given up. on life. and love. and honesty. and happiness. and she is so fucking beautiful: black tears streaming down her face, chest heaving, vision blurry, curled up in a pile of pillows on the floor she threw around her room in an outburst of rage, completely helpless. she sit in the corner typing meaningless characters of cries for help to people who dont care about her, but they are never sent. legs pulled in close, laptop balanced on her knees, she pours her heart out; the clicking of the keyboard is the only sound that fills the dark and empty room. because the lights hurt her eyes and the music hurts her ears and she cant handle the sounds of anyone else voice but her own.
she wants to see your smile, again. she whispered this in my ear as i walked in the room and turned on the lights, dragged this shell of a human into the shower, forced her to stand under the scalding water, brush her hair, wipe the make up from under her eyes, and put on clean clothes. as i drove this skeleton of a girl to work, she screamed about how all she wanted was one more night alone with him. just one more night. that that would somehow be enough. but it never was and it never will be. i try and explain to her that you dont care, that you never really have, that she is just being foolish and she looks so fucking desperate. but she wont listen to anything i have to say. and as she slams the car door shut and makes her way out in the rain, i know that there is just no reasoning with her.
this tiny girl, she just wants someone to tuck her in at night. someone to kiss her goodbye. someone to care that she wakes up in the morning. someone next to her when she rolls over in her huge bed in the middle of the night after having a terrible dream. someone to rub her back until she falls asleep.
...this tiny girl, shes so fragile. and the nights are so lonely and cruel.
weather: rain. on and off monsoon-style winds with intense fog and limited visibility.
(kind of describes my current mental state)
((i cry, i weep, i bawl. my eyes are swollen to the point of blindness. i am miserable and violently depressed, but this is all just relative to how ive been these past few months.))
scene: alone. in front of a computer. talking to no one about nothing. scratch that. giving relationship advice even though ive never been in a successful relationship. and i havent had a boyfriend in 2 years. or even a guy who hasnt just used me for sex.
character: me. see also: typical. see also: emo. see also: girl. ripped jeans. messy hair. black tshirt. smudged eyeliner. going for the whole grungy hasnt showered in days and couldnt care less type of look.
situation: lonely as fuck. and lovely in her utter despair and complete lack of hope. she has given up. on life. and love. and honesty. and happiness. and she is so fucking beautiful: black tears streaming down her face, chest heaving, vision blurry, curled up in a pile of pillows on the floor she threw around her room in an outburst of rage, completely helpless. she sit in the corner typing meaningless characters of cries for help to people who dont care about her, but they are never sent. legs pulled in close, laptop balanced on her knees, she pours her heart out; the clicking of the keyboard is the only sound that fills the dark and empty room. because the lights hurt her eyes and the music hurts her ears and she cant handle the sounds of anyone else voice but her own.
she wants to see your smile, again. she whispered this in my ear as i walked in the room and turned on the lights, dragged this shell of a human into the shower, forced her to stand under the scalding water, brush her hair, wipe the make up from under her eyes, and put on clean clothes. as i drove this skeleton of a girl to work, she screamed about how all she wanted was one more night alone with him. just one more night. that that would somehow be enough. but it never was and it never will be. i try and explain to her that you dont care, that you never really have, that she is just being foolish and she looks so fucking desperate. but she wont listen to anything i have to say. and as she slams the car door shut and makes her way out in the rain, i know that there is just no reasoning with her.
this tiny girl, she just wants someone to tuck her in at night. someone to kiss her goodbye. someone to care that she wakes up in the morning. someone next to her when she rolls over in her huge bed in the middle of the night after having a terrible dream. someone to rub her back until she falls asleep.
...this tiny girl, shes so fragile. and the nights are so lonely and cruel.