"always save at least a small piece of yourself for you and only yourself"
hahah, or thats what my old papa told me in regards to relationships. i disagreed with him then, thinking i knew better...hahah we both did, didnt we Care? We thought that a couple should share everything, be everything, and know everything about each other. I still think this is true, though...sorry dad, i cant agree with you quite yet. Plus, I have a few issues I gotta discuss with that old codger sometime soon anyway...stuff dealing with why he has to be the way he is, and how that forces me to often emulate him..like all sons do to their dads i guess. aaaannnyway, we were talking about me and how im a fetch dog now, and how i made mysself into this creature that is something a little less than man.
In all seriousness, I cant apologize for it overly. No, I cannot. I guess after I explain the whys you might understand why an apology isnt needed, Care...becuase, being me, i really wanna say I'm sorry and take all the blame, but I cant this time at all, and i know you wouldnt let me anyway.
It started because I wanted to give you everything. I dont just mean objects and possessions and such, i mean like...comfort and security, and reliability and loyalty. These things are very important to me, and I know they are to her as well. But I went too far. I gave and gave and gave until there was nothing else left for me to "give"(or so I seemed to think), never truly asking or even wanting something, anything in return but her happiness and appreciation for my compainionship...in this way, i thought I could be the most important thing to her, the only one who did whatever she needed or wanted, and loved doing it. And I am/was that, I became it. The problem is, lover/people, that when you are selfless, you give everything away for nothing...hahah you tell yourself that the fact that it makes you happy to see her happy, whatever the reason, is reward enough...and oh my fuck, sometimes(MOST OF THE TIME!!!!!) it is! REALLY! I love to make her happy, and I mlove for her to know that I'd do anything for her at any time, if its at all possible, and then sometimes even when it wasnt possible I'd still do it:) Hahahah, but once again I went too far with it, seeing it as my way of making her happiest and keeping her with me all the time...I need her to be with me, u see? I NEED IT. THere was a time, I recall, that seems so long ago, and yet isnt, that I really didnt need to be in total contact 24/7, to know exactly what was going on, and to force out her the words "i love you" a zillion times a day. No, I knew these things were true and I didnt need the constant reinforcement...that was when I still had some "self" left. But no, after being moronically selfless for so very long, you end up without any self at all, which really, you should have already seen that coming from the very name of the act along "SELF-LESS-NESS"..."without self"....so here I am, without the self and entirely, and annoyingly dependant on her...TOTALLY. hahah I called you at 8am today, Care! I needed to hear yur voice?! Yeah, if thats not a sign of dependance, I m not sure if any signs ever existed...ever before that one. I can admit that I depend on her for almost everything In my life now...happiness, contentness, completeness, sense of self-worth, confidence...you name, she's the one who's got it for me.
That said, do you know how unappealing that would be to someone, no matter how much they loved you and wanted to be that one and only...nobody is built to be another person's dependant variable. If she's not happy, then I cant possibly be, and i must have done something wrong and/or not done enough to make her hit that happy state. I find myself blaming myself for everything, stuff that is so obviously not my fault that a blind, ignorant G-Unit type thug could understand and realize it with less stressing and self-doubt. Although, I do wonder if my..."disease", my illness, have their part to play in everything that is threatening to ruin the relationship that I've been wanting andneeding forever...and thats not me being sappy or romantic, ive wanted a girl like her and a relationship like ours(was and can be i guess) since, well, since I knew about relationships...its horrifying to sit back and watch what you've become in a weird attempt to be the perfect boyfriend destroy everything you think you've built and what you love and cherish more than anything....terrible to watch, people...dont ever wish it upon anyone. Yes, how could someone like Care, who is full of personality and life, want to be with someone who for all appearances has none anymore? Like...I wonder if when we're together and stuff why I say the things I say, or let her do the things she does...and well, my little illness has another rather nastily wonderful effect;
THE GODDESS SYNDROM
Thats right, I do fully believe that my Carrie is a godess, high and mighty and beautiful and beyond questioning and beyond perfect. To me, much of the time, she can do absolutely no wrong, and if she said itd be okay to walk into a wall with razor sharp nails protruding from it face-first, I'd do it...becuase my goddess wouldnt be wrong and she'd protect me even if i was in danger...see how this kind of thinking can lead to problems? hahah i will, however, always see Carrie as a goddess, I cant help it. She is beauty and wrath incarnate, and if ever there was a need to worship somebody unquestionably, she's it....and i do. i worship her. But see..guys and gals, if you're in the same ship with this, worshipping your lover like a deity, think about it. You arent her/his high priest, just there to praise him/her and bring them sacrifices...no. Your their wife/husband god....i mean, why would a goddess take a mortal lover? She just wouldnt...people, remember, when you have the godess syndrom as I do, that you too are gods in their eyes as well...personally, i need to start acting like it. I always claim to want an equal partnership, yet I let myself fall below her level constantly, always so sycophantic and mewling...once again, begging for positive attention. No wonder she gets so sickedned with my actions sometimes...I seem to be the only one who forgets that I'm there NOT to just please her and make her happy, but Im there for me too...ME> atfre all, we're gods and goddess' in relationships, ya gotta be equal or its not really like that. Fuck, how could I really even have respect in her eyes, yeah?
Whetehr or not Im even coming close to explaining this in a legible way, im unsure, but its all very clear to me now. Carrie, I know me calling at 8am like a whipped puppy wanting to hear its master say its been a good boy finally was prolly a little disheartening to you, and maybe you think i didnt learn my lesson...well, trust me, i did. More than did, actually....i know where we need to start from anyway finally. And i need to do it for myself too...god shite! Ive given up sooooo much of myself and my life to try and give you everything, that in the end im giving you nothing that you even want...which is a deserving fate for those stupid enough to be so fucking...uhhh stupid:)
POint is, guys and girls out there, if you read this and u feel the same way about some stuff, but no problems have arisen from it, please, PLEASE, do yourself justice and turn it around before you get here, to where i am. Im alone and without anything to call my own...im not even sure if carrie will want to stick it out with me anymore, which is scary and upsetting to the extreme, but i cant let myself feel such things anymore...not so strongly anyway. i can do everything i do by myself, but i DO NOT WANT TO. but for now, im going to have to...i have a "SELF" to rebuild. it sounds like a fun little fresh start, but think about what a self is...its not just posies and getting along...its made up of painful lessons and heartbreaking, world-shattering events...much like the one I experienced last night.
Carrie, my love, you had no right to talk to me the way you did at all, last night, and im gonna be stinging from that for a while. but seriously, thanks for kicking my ass...i needed it, well, we needed it. If we're gonna ever work right again, i know you need a man with his own mind, and the ability to speak it when u need to just be shut down from ur craziness...i'll always be the understanding guy too though, but hahaha...u know when it gets too much, right? liek..."bob, you're a fucking coward and a pussy and I never loved you and imma gonna go out and get me somethin better, more of a man...you little bitch broke ass lying cunt"...hahah i mean theres thing that could theoretically happen that would make you saying that to me understandable, but never woudl it be right...hahah oh,and she never said that exact stuff to me, people, dont worry...hahah everything that was said last night is personal and will never be repeated...REALLY, it wont be...not by me and not by her...i wont give some of it enough credit to repeat or acknowledge its existence, as it was just meant to be a little barbed stinger, and hurt me badly. which it did by the way. very much...but like it said, Carrie, I know you need me to step up if things are gonna ever be how you want them to be...and I know, even as mushy as it is, that you love me deeply and fully, no matter how bad i get on ya nerves. I've become something thats not me, and i can feel it now, after being forced to see it, i guess....i dont think that was ur goal last night, really, but it sure fucking worked. yeah...but seriously, this is all noise I gotta work out myself, through a lot of(i HATE to use this term, but it fits...) soul-searching and inner lookings at what Im all about again, and how we fit together so well and naturally.
No I wont be stepped on any longer, its not allowed, it cant be...its weak and its not right for equals to do. we'll step on those smaller and weaker than us, okay? So sayeth I, the bobbler.
I need my personality back so bad....i mean, somethings still there, but its not what I had, not anything close...so when she looks at me and i dont see that old look in her eyes, i know why...she sees its missing. Do you know that i gave it to you, Care? hahah thats the hardest thing as well though...deep down ill always be willing to give it all to her, all of it. I just cant anymore though, it leaves me with nothing good that she actually wants from a boyfriend, a lover...nothing at all. I want to be that to you more than anything else, i always have...at some point i assume i got all scared like a little beyatch and didnt think i knew how to be that anymore...so i needed to be doing all this other stuff...fuck, i love doing stuff for you though, and it is for selfish reasons sometimes....hahah if you knew what i dreamed about our after school pickup sessions, like the "gratitude" youd show me after we got home, i dont think youd feel quite so bad, hun. I dont know...i know what i need to do now in some ways, thats for sure.
I hope whoever read this was...either inspired to help themselves out beore they fuck themselves over, or to help understand a certain boy from his girl's point of view...that's you, Care. I wrote it mainly for me, so if it makes no sense, well then tough taffy...i needed to get a small bit of this down anyway.
well, ill spend my day resiting various urges to call Carrie with nothing to talk about thats any fun or of interest to her, and make sure that when we hook up again, its mutually wanted and equally partnershipped...this isnt something i wanna just let go, u kno? this will make or break the relationship in my life....notice i didnt say one of the relationships, or a relationship...i said THE RELATIONSHIP...it matters for than anything else, and sometimes to help something, you gotta pull away from it, suffer through your lack of connection that makes you so oddly comfortable for some reason, and let things be. let her sleep, bob. ;)
sometimes everybody, ignore what the movies say and hold your affections and clinginess back, its wrong to put so much dependance on one person, no matter who they are to you. That is the one thing i can apologize for, Care...the burden of being my everything....hahah its a heavy fucking load, sweetie, and you carried it well, but i think its time i took some of it off your shoulders from now on.
I LOVE HER SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS TO NOT BE AROUND HER FOR MORE THAN 2 HOURS IN A ROW...i could barely sleep last night, despite my insane fatigue and weariness...maybe now, that theres some small, and totally incomplete record of MY personal feelings, I can rest a little easier...i dont know, i think so though.
I never thought that it would be harmful to live for you, Carrie, really I thought there would be no better reason to get up and breath once again each day. But...I was wrong. I have to live for myself now, if i can ever be anything to you again, like i was...i'd still do anything if you really needed it though, Care, that will never ever change. Im gonna be there, its just how i am and i would feel...un-loverish if I wasnt there when u needed me...ill just make sure im there when u NEED me, though, and not when I feel like u might like it a little if i was...maybe we'll talk about stuff later today, or maybe we wont talk about any of this at all...i dont care. if u do read this though, please reply...id like to hear any thoughts on what im vainly attempting to spit out here...and once again, i hope you got back to sleep all day...i was kicking my own ass the whole way home cuz of that bit of idiocy. Yeah, I think it was the wrong time to try and be sweet and connected again hahahah, and i knew that even before I dialed...it was like something i just had to do though, and i should have fought it...oh well, no more shit like that, for sure....i cant do that anymore, i just cant. oh nurts, theres so much i want to say, but this is retardedly long anyway at the moment...im sure ill write down some more shat later on.
Oh, and one more thing, livejournal friends, ive missed thee. If thou wanteth me to cometh back online and do more entires overall from now on, please, step forth and reply, announing thou noblest of selves and begging thine drama-semi-emoish-lunatic kingship to return to livejournal once more, and grace it with his ramblings. (TRANS. if you want to give me any advice or encouragement, or just to tell me to make more bloody entries, go ahead and reply...anyone can do it.)
PEASE OUT HEGROS
bobbler
In all seriousness, I cant apologize for it overly. No, I cannot. I guess after I explain the whys you might understand why an apology isnt needed, Care...becuase, being me, i really wanna say I'm sorry and take all the blame, but I cant this time at all, and i know you wouldnt let me anyway.
It started because I wanted to give you everything. I dont just mean objects and possessions and such, i mean like...comfort and security, and reliability and loyalty. These things are very important to me, and I know they are to her as well. But I went too far. I gave and gave and gave until there was nothing else left for me to "give"(or so I seemed to think), never truly asking or even wanting something, anything in return but her happiness and appreciation for my compainionship...in this way, i thought I could be the most important thing to her, the only one who did whatever she needed or wanted, and loved doing it. And I am/was that, I became it. The problem is, lover/people, that when you are selfless, you give everything away for nothing...hahah you tell yourself that the fact that it makes you happy to see her happy, whatever the reason, is reward enough...and oh my fuck, sometimes(MOST OF THE TIME!!!!!) it is! REALLY! I love to make her happy, and I mlove for her to know that I'd do anything for her at any time, if its at all possible, and then sometimes even when it wasnt possible I'd still do it:) Hahahah, but once again I went too far with it, seeing it as my way of making her happiest and keeping her with me all the time...I need her to be with me, u see? I NEED IT. THere was a time, I recall, that seems so long ago, and yet isnt, that I really didnt need to be in total contact 24/7, to know exactly what was going on, and to force out her the words "i love you" a zillion times a day. No, I knew these things were true and I didnt need the constant reinforcement...that was when I still had some "self" left. But no, after being moronically selfless for so very long, you end up without any self at all, which really, you should have already seen that coming from the very name of the act along "SELF-LESS-NESS"..."without self"....so here I am, without the self and entirely, and annoyingly dependant on her...TOTALLY. hahah I called you at 8am today, Care! I needed to hear yur voice?! Yeah, if thats not a sign of dependance, I m not sure if any signs ever existed...ever before that one. I can admit that I depend on her for almost everything In my life now...happiness, contentness, completeness, sense of self-worth, confidence...you name, she's the one who's got it for me.
That said, do you know how unappealing that would be to someone, no matter how much they loved you and wanted to be that one and only...nobody is built to be another person's dependant variable. If she's not happy, then I cant possibly be, and i must have done something wrong and/or not done enough to make her hit that happy state. I find myself blaming myself for everything, stuff that is so obviously not my fault that a blind, ignorant G-Unit type thug could understand and realize it with less stressing and self-doubt. Although, I do wonder if my..."disease", my illness, have their part to play in everything that is threatening to ruin the relationship that I've been wanting andneeding forever...and thats not me being sappy or romantic, ive wanted a girl like her and a relationship like ours(was and can be i guess) since, well, since I knew about relationships...its horrifying to sit back and watch what you've become in a weird attempt to be the perfect boyfriend destroy everything you think you've built and what you love and cherish more than anything....terrible to watch, people...dont ever wish it upon anyone. Yes, how could someone like Care, who is full of personality and life, want to be with someone who for all appearances has none anymore? Like...I wonder if when we're together and stuff why I say the things I say, or let her do the things she does...and well, my little illness has another rather nastily wonderful effect;
THE GODDESS SYNDROM
Thats right, I do fully believe that my Carrie is a godess, high and mighty and beautiful and beyond questioning and beyond perfect. To me, much of the time, she can do absolutely no wrong, and if she said itd be okay to walk into a wall with razor sharp nails protruding from it face-first, I'd do it...becuase my goddess wouldnt be wrong and she'd protect me even if i was in danger...see how this kind of thinking can lead to problems? hahah i will, however, always see Carrie as a goddess, I cant help it. She is beauty and wrath incarnate, and if ever there was a need to worship somebody unquestionably, she's it....and i do. i worship her. But see..guys and gals, if you're in the same ship with this, worshipping your lover like a deity, think about it. You arent her/his high priest, just there to praise him/her and bring them sacrifices...no. Your their wife/husband god....i mean, why would a goddess take a mortal lover? She just wouldnt...people, remember, when you have the godess syndrom as I do, that you too are gods in their eyes as well...personally, i need to start acting like it. I always claim to want an equal partnership, yet I let myself fall below her level constantly, always so sycophantic and mewling...once again, begging for positive attention. No wonder she gets so sickedned with my actions sometimes...I seem to be the only one who forgets that I'm there NOT to just please her and make her happy, but Im there for me too...ME> atfre all, we're gods and goddess' in relationships, ya gotta be equal or its not really like that. Fuck, how could I really even have respect in her eyes, yeah?
Whetehr or not Im even coming close to explaining this in a legible way, im unsure, but its all very clear to me now. Carrie, I know me calling at 8am like a whipped puppy wanting to hear its master say its been a good boy finally was prolly a little disheartening to you, and maybe you think i didnt learn my lesson...well, trust me, i did. More than did, actually....i know where we need to start from anyway finally. And i need to do it for myself too...god shite! Ive given up sooooo much of myself and my life to try and give you everything, that in the end im giving you nothing that you even want...which is a deserving fate for those stupid enough to be so fucking...uhhh stupid:)
POint is, guys and girls out there, if you read this and u feel the same way about some stuff, but no problems have arisen from it, please, PLEASE, do yourself justice and turn it around before you get here, to where i am. Im alone and without anything to call my own...im not even sure if carrie will want to stick it out with me anymore, which is scary and upsetting to the extreme, but i cant let myself feel such things anymore...not so strongly anyway. i can do everything i do by myself, but i DO NOT WANT TO. but for now, im going to have to...i have a "SELF" to rebuild. it sounds like a fun little fresh start, but think about what a self is...its not just posies and getting along...its made up of painful lessons and heartbreaking, world-shattering events...much like the one I experienced last night.
Carrie, my love, you had no right to talk to me the way you did at all, last night, and im gonna be stinging from that for a while. but seriously, thanks for kicking my ass...i needed it, well, we needed it. If we're gonna ever work right again, i know you need a man with his own mind, and the ability to speak it when u need to just be shut down from ur craziness...i'll always be the understanding guy too though, but hahaha...u know when it gets too much, right? liek..."bob, you're a fucking coward and a pussy and I never loved you and imma gonna go out and get me somethin better, more of a man...you little bitch broke ass lying cunt"...hahah i mean theres thing that could theoretically happen that would make you saying that to me understandable, but never woudl it be right...hahah oh,and she never said that exact stuff to me, people, dont worry...hahah everything that was said last night is personal and will never be repeated...REALLY, it wont be...not by me and not by her...i wont give some of it enough credit to repeat or acknowledge its existence, as it was just meant to be a little barbed stinger, and hurt me badly. which it did by the way. very much...but like it said, Carrie, I know you need me to step up if things are gonna ever be how you want them to be...and I know, even as mushy as it is, that you love me deeply and fully, no matter how bad i get on ya nerves. I've become something thats not me, and i can feel it now, after being forced to see it, i guess....i dont think that was ur goal last night, really, but it sure fucking worked. yeah...but seriously, this is all noise I gotta work out myself, through a lot of(i HATE to use this term, but it fits...) soul-searching and inner lookings at what Im all about again, and how we fit together so well and naturally.
No I wont be stepped on any longer, its not allowed, it cant be...its weak and its not right for equals to do. we'll step on those smaller and weaker than us, okay? So sayeth I, the bobbler.
I need my personality back so bad....i mean, somethings still there, but its not what I had, not anything close...so when she looks at me and i dont see that old look in her eyes, i know why...she sees its missing. Do you know that i gave it to you, Care? hahah thats the hardest thing as well though...deep down ill always be willing to give it all to her, all of it. I just cant anymore though, it leaves me with nothing good that she actually wants from a boyfriend, a lover...nothing at all. I want to be that to you more than anything else, i always have...at some point i assume i got all scared like a little beyatch and didnt think i knew how to be that anymore...so i needed to be doing all this other stuff...fuck, i love doing stuff for you though, and it is for selfish reasons sometimes....hahah if you knew what i dreamed about our after school pickup sessions, like the "gratitude" youd show me after we got home, i dont think youd feel quite so bad, hun. I dont know...i know what i need to do now in some ways, thats for sure.
I hope whoever read this was...either inspired to help themselves out beore they fuck themselves over, or to help understand a certain boy from his girl's point of view...that's you, Care. I wrote it mainly for me, so if it makes no sense, well then tough taffy...i needed to get a small bit of this down anyway.
well, ill spend my day resiting various urges to call Carrie with nothing to talk about thats any fun or of interest to her, and make sure that when we hook up again, its mutually wanted and equally partnershipped...this isnt something i wanna just let go, u kno? this will make or break the relationship in my life....notice i didnt say one of the relationships, or a relationship...i said THE RELATIONSHIP...it matters for than anything else, and sometimes to help something, you gotta pull away from it, suffer through your lack of connection that makes you so oddly comfortable for some reason, and let things be. let her sleep, bob. ;)
sometimes everybody, ignore what the movies say and hold your affections and clinginess back, its wrong to put so much dependance on one person, no matter who they are to you. That is the one thing i can apologize for, Care...the burden of being my everything....hahah its a heavy fucking load, sweetie, and you carried it well, but i think its time i took some of it off your shoulders from now on.
I LOVE HER SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS TO NOT BE AROUND HER FOR MORE THAN 2 HOURS IN A ROW...i could barely sleep last night, despite my insane fatigue and weariness...maybe now, that theres some small, and totally incomplete record of MY personal feelings, I can rest a little easier...i dont know, i think so though.
I never thought that it would be harmful to live for you, Carrie, really I thought there would be no better reason to get up and breath once again each day. But...I was wrong. I have to live for myself now, if i can ever be anything to you again, like i was...i'd still do anything if you really needed it though, Care, that will never ever change. Im gonna be there, its just how i am and i would feel...un-loverish if I wasnt there when u needed me...ill just make sure im there when u NEED me, though, and not when I feel like u might like it a little if i was...maybe we'll talk about stuff later today, or maybe we wont talk about any of this at all...i dont care. if u do read this though, please reply...id like to hear any thoughts on what im vainly attempting to spit out here...and once again, i hope you got back to sleep all day...i was kicking my own ass the whole way home cuz of that bit of idiocy. Yeah, I think it was the wrong time to try and be sweet and connected again hahahah, and i knew that even before I dialed...it was like something i just had to do though, and i should have fought it...oh well, no more shit like that, for sure....i cant do that anymore, i just cant. oh nurts, theres so much i want to say, but this is retardedly long anyway at the moment...im sure ill write down some more shat later on.
Oh, and one more thing, livejournal friends, ive missed thee. If thou wanteth me to cometh back online and do more entires overall from now on, please, step forth and reply, announing thou noblest of selves and begging thine drama-semi-emoish-lunatic kingship to return to livejournal once more, and grace it with his ramblings. (TRANS. if you want to give me any advice or encouragement, or just to tell me to make more bloody entries, go ahead and reply...anyone can do it.)
PEASE OUT HEGROS
bobbler