remember what the dormouse said.
conflict. regret. uncertainty.
i have been conflicted. switched back and forth between extreme emotional conditions. between fire and cool water. from great disgust, great loathing, and despising of my own self.. the roots of me. where i come from. me at 12 and 13. me at 17 and 18. i hated.. and then i understood. i admired my sensitivity. my selflessness. my ability to give each part of me for nothing in return. the ache i felt for humanity. humanity because we are all helpless. as a whole. we are wondering and aimless. bouncing off one another uncontrollably. this was the reason for the sympathy i had. when i saw myself as part of this whole, i felt acceptable. able to be accepted, despite the secrets. despite the holes. the rips and tears. despite the emptiness i so sought to be filled by someone who gave a damn. someone who gave like i did.
and i gave with each ounce of me in an energetic frenzy that i thought could beat a lost cause (or two, or three). allowed myself to be disappointed when i didn't get what i thought was due to me in return. hollow promises. hollow words. they were what i got. selfish human beings who don't know any better. who listen to their bodies over the whispering voice of reason. if only they listened better. if only they shut the fuck up for five moreminutes to let reason be heard. if only they learned how to drown out the screaming of their own shallow needs. i allowed the strings to be severed and cut and cut until i was completely detached. detached from one being. then another. all beings. from all human influence. and the world was quite quiet.
now, years later, i follow a middle path where no high or lowcan pull me off. there is a thickness to my skin, and a hardness to my heart where it used to be most malleable. the great uncertainty of my being and of those around me is my only constant. and i take a sort of comfort in knowing that its all too big, beyond my control. that i am only me in a big great world of positives and negatives, of opposites and the occasional connection. wrong and right is ambiguous now. all i see is how other people affect other people.. how they affect me, and me, them. in this respect, my world is quite small. and although i give, and although i care, it is no great strain on my ego any longer. i give because what else is there to do? i give because we are all driving along the same highway, trying to get there some how. trying to make it. how little i take. because of the uncertainty that if i ask, anyone would be willing. what a let down that would be. to be not worth it. i am a vehicle for other people's dreams. a smooth ride that won't cause disruption.
all of this and i'm still not full. i can't say that it's gratifying. it could be noble if it were noticed. but of this, i am unsure. and i don't care about nobility. all of this and a great emptiness still exists. something is lacking; when i fall into myself, close my eyes and occupy myself with my own thoughts and voice, i wonder if i will ever be heard. if i'll ever say anything worth someone's attentive ears. if anyone will ever give a damn.
i have no other goal in life than to love and to be loved. its a great goal and could be an impossible feat. i want the safety and the pain. i want to be torn off path by a great force that is beyond my control. by someone who won't drop me. by someone who hides a gentleness inside them that is only waiting to be tapped into. by someone who tries to break me open despite the ugly that has laid sedentary for so long. by someone who moves me from the back burner and gives me heat.
i'm sick of the monotony. i long for creativity. for abstract ideals. creation=sublimation. the only certainty i can have is in a world i make for myself. i want to see sensitivity in someone else's purpose. my hand to be held as i face a cruel world: a disconnected mass of fiery energy that moves in cirlcles and is going nowhere. i want to be the center of it all. for once. and to feel warm blood beneath the skin of another just like me. to be thawed. to be awed. to experience an immeasurable movement inmy own hopeless purpose. to be kept. to be held. to hold on to. to hold on. to infect and dissect. to uncover. to see my own refection in someone’s eyes, one who is willing to look long enough for me to grasp it. someone who is that interested. an unknown love. a new definition. to start at the bottom and to build into someone who will lay bricks in me, slowly. i want to hear words that are spoken with uncertainty, to speak words of uncertainty, and for it to be OK. just to be ok.
i want to be moved. i want to never be complete. i want to see endlessly into he. into me. solemnly. to bend and be bent by gentle curiosity.