I can't take this anymore

[xxaimexx]

.... Last night I babysatt 'till midnight, when I came home, my parents were weird but I didn't think anything of it, of course, I was REALLY tired. But as I was getting ready to take a shower, I overheard them arguing and my mom began to cry. I wanted to yell at my dad but I just held it in and took my shower and by the time I got out, they had gone to bed. This morning everything seemed ok, but I went out running around a quarter to two (I HATE RUNNING-- if what I did can be called that) and my parents were arguing again. So I left and got things off my mind, I went to the lake, I must of layed on the beach for about twenty-five minutes before jogging for one minute and giving up. So whatever, I come home and my mom is crying again and they are still arguing. And NOW I feel like shit! We've been having financial problems for a while and now it's getting serious and my dad is blaming everything on my mom and us but he's the one who is always spending. For his stupid cedar closet in the basement or for his freaking garage. And everytime my mom spends for me or my sisters, but especially for me, I feel bad because I know that we are short of money. Yet my dad keeps spending. And it's causing this continuous tension in the house, especially between him and my mom. It gets me really worked up and then I'm the one who explodes and makes everything worse. I'm doing my best to help out money-wise but I'm not rich, I have to pay for prom and all that comes with it and college next year and I'd be glad to lend them the money I have but they won't accept it. Now we're even selling the Suburban, we already sold our dog, who knows what will be next...the house? I'm so worried, I'm so scared, all of this freaks me out. And yet I feel like it's not my place to worry about those things and I should worry about other things like my grades and such. But it's hard, you know when you have a tough week at school and you expect to come back to this comfort zone of your's that happens to be your home and all you find is sadness and controversy. And because of that you bottle everything in because you don't want to bother anybody with your problems when you know they have so many of their own...*sigh* I don't know what to do. I don't have a comfort zone anymore, I don't know who to turn to anymore either. That is why my trip to Salisbury was so good to me, it's home, a comfort zone that is out of reach to me right now. It's people who I can just sit next to and not say a word and feel that they understand and that they're there for me. People who are willing to give up their easter break for one person. People who will hug me for no specific reason but it makes each one incredibly special every time.
...
I wish that I could smile more easily, I wish that it wasn't so easy for me to break into tears. I don't enjoy the little things of life anymore, I enjoy being by myself because I know that I won't get hurt then, that when I'm alone and staring up at the sun or at the stars, I don't have to think about anything.
...