I wanna conduct a study...
How much does my blogging increase when I become single again?
So the sunlight's coming in through the open window, I've got the afternoon off and am laying on my raher cozy bed until we all go out later. It's a really nice moment. I like it here. But I have disturbing thoughts.
Was Winston the only reason I wanted to be home or is he the only reason that I don't want to go back there again? I can't tell. Can you?
I feel silly for obsessively assessing the impact he has/had on my life but it is my life. And even if I didn't even make a dent in his world I have to live with the difference he's made in mine. It might be too soon to see any good in it. Yes, yes it is.
Mostly I'm less instead of more. But more because he's gone. Does that make sense? Ugh...
And I'm pretty sure he's rebounded by now. Surprisingly that makes it easier for me to move on. I feel like the last betrayal fully detatched that old sense of territory. It makes me feel stronger to know that I could have slept with someone by now and didn't because I knew it was wrong. I have self-control, respect for myself and respect for the feelings of other people. I don't want to date again. Well I do. But I know it would be bad. Because it would be settling and unfair to that person. And I need single time to really and fully get all this poison out of me. So, even though this guy is really hot and really funny and can speak french I will go the friend route. Mostly he's just adorable and I'm sure I would get bored in a few weeks, since apparently I'm only satisfied in relationships with major flaws. Sigh. But he's soooooo cute....
growl
I had a fantasy about him the other night and since then when I see him I imagine him handcuffed to the wall. And then my face turns bright red and he can tell that something's up. Which probably confuses him. Maybe I'll just avoid him.
Other than that training went really well. I was satisfactorially distracted from both men most of the time, never smoked a single cigarette, and -even though this sounds super chessy- I made a lot of new friends. This year's area staff is amazing. Especially the trifecta that is Javi, Mike and Scott... I've nearly been kicked out of every meeting for laughing so hard at their antics.
I got to use power tools to build my very own book shelf, which was oddly cathartic. We've all decided to sand down and repaint this old picnic table by this office so I'm hoping for more of that kind of relief. Electric sanding!
My residents are all cool so far. They left me nice notes about how much they like the decorations I put up. **pats self on back** It was really nice to hear though- there is so much more competition between other RAs for the coolest looking floor it made me nervous. All the jeans I covered in paint were well worth it. And BONUS I did the wash and everything came out anyway... YAY!
I did lose ten pounds this week for all the meal skipping and I averaged 4 hours of sleep per night, things I will reverse the effect of immediately. It's nice to complain about it even if it's just my blog. You can't really talk here when everyone else is having the same problems. We could have made fewer trps to Maude's though I suppose. To save time. But we NEEDED coffee.
Now I'm just yammering. Nap time.
:-)
.
So the sunlight's coming in through the open window, I've got the afternoon off and am laying on my raher cozy bed until we all go out later. It's a really nice moment. I like it here. But I have disturbing thoughts.
Was Winston the only reason I wanted to be home or is he the only reason that I don't want to go back there again? I can't tell. Can you?
I feel silly for obsessively assessing the impact he has/had on my life but it is my life. And even if I didn't even make a dent in his world I have to live with the difference he's made in mine. It might be too soon to see any good in it. Yes, yes it is.
Mostly I'm less instead of more. But more because he's gone. Does that make sense? Ugh...
And I'm pretty sure he's rebounded by now. Surprisingly that makes it easier for me to move on. I feel like the last betrayal fully detatched that old sense of territory. It makes me feel stronger to know that I could have slept with someone by now and didn't because I knew it was wrong. I have self-control, respect for myself and respect for the feelings of other people. I don't want to date again. Well I do. But I know it would be bad. Because it would be settling and unfair to that person. And I need single time to really and fully get all this poison out of me. So, even though this guy is really hot and really funny and can speak french I will go the friend route. Mostly he's just adorable and I'm sure I would get bored in a few weeks, since apparently I'm only satisfied in relationships with major flaws. Sigh. But he's soooooo cute....
growl
I had a fantasy about him the other night and since then when I see him I imagine him handcuffed to the wall. And then my face turns bright red and he can tell that something's up. Which probably confuses him. Maybe I'll just avoid him.
Other than that training went really well. I was satisfactorially distracted from both men most of the time, never smoked a single cigarette, and -even though this sounds super chessy- I made a lot of new friends. This year's area staff is amazing. Especially the trifecta that is Javi, Mike and Scott... I've nearly been kicked out of every meeting for laughing so hard at their antics.
I got to use power tools to build my very own book shelf, which was oddly cathartic. We've all decided to sand down and repaint this old picnic table by this office so I'm hoping for more of that kind of relief. Electric sanding!
My residents are all cool so far. They left me nice notes about how much they like the decorations I put up. **pats self on back** It was really nice to hear though- there is so much more competition between other RAs for the coolest looking floor it made me nervous. All the jeans I covered in paint were well worth it. And BONUS I did the wash and everything came out anyway... YAY!
I did lose ten pounds this week for all the meal skipping and I averaged 4 hours of sleep per night, things I will reverse the effect of immediately. It's nice to complain about it even if it's just my blog. You can't really talk here when everyone else is having the same problems. We could have made fewer trps to Maude's though I suppose. To save time. But we NEEDED coffee.
Now I'm just yammering. Nap time.
:-)
.