Starting to settle down
With all that's happened, and all that's happening right now, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, but somewhat calm...sort of eerie really. Trying to get all my ducks in a row. There's just a few things.
I hate...and I mean it, I absolutely hate thinking ill of Jake, I hate being mad at him. It's making me ill. But my brain keeps overriding my heart when it says "I miss him" and "he's changed" and "he wouldn't hurt Orli again". My brain is the problem. Logic is getting in the way. Just like when someone tells you 'once a cheater, always a cheater' it's more like 'once an almost-rapist...'. *sigh*
But I knew him, I thought I knew him...I really did. Didn't I? Where did that person go, the person I told everything to, and stayed with me while I was sick, and went to visit at the hospital...and...and... that day, on the bikes. Who was that??
I want so much for it to be like that again with him. So much that I'm searching so hard for any bits I can salvage to put him back together in my head and my heart. I don't want him to be scraps, pieces of bad being discarded...cause none of us were angels. I want him back.
And all I can do is hope that Orli understands that I can, and I will, figure this out for myself. In between everything else...worring about who's lurking around my shadow when I'm not with Ke and trying to get my strength up again.
I'm trying, I'm trying so hard. And I do need help...but help in the form of being trusted that I'm smart enough, that I've been through enough to figure this out on my own. I can do this!!! And to trust that he can still come to me and stay, and have fun with me...please! Because I don't want him coming to me sad, or miserable. Although I love being the one he goes to, it's a great compliment, I don't want that to be the only time, when something's wrong. I don't want to be what I told him I thought I was...just here.
I will figure this out, I have to, on my own. No influences. Sure, there may be a few odd confrontations..it's expected. I have to figure this out if I want to see Jake the way I saw him before. He just can't be what my head is telling me he is...it's not possible.
All I need is a little time, and some grace afforded to me. Please.
I hate...and I mean it, I absolutely hate thinking ill of Jake, I hate being mad at him. It's making me ill. But my brain keeps overriding my heart when it says "I miss him" and "he's changed" and "he wouldn't hurt Orli again". My brain is the problem. Logic is getting in the way. Just like when someone tells you 'once a cheater, always a cheater' it's more like 'once an almost-rapist...'. *sigh*
But I knew him, I thought I knew him...I really did. Didn't I? Where did that person go, the person I told everything to, and stayed with me while I was sick, and went to visit at the hospital...and...and... that day, on the bikes. Who was that??
I want so much for it to be like that again with him. So much that I'm searching so hard for any bits I can salvage to put him back together in my head and my heart. I don't want him to be scraps, pieces of bad being discarded...cause none of us were angels. I want him back.
And all I can do is hope that Orli understands that I can, and I will, figure this out for myself. In between everything else...worring about who's lurking around my shadow when I'm not with Ke and trying to get my strength up again.
I'm trying, I'm trying so hard. And I do need help...but help in the form of being trusted that I'm smart enough, that I've been through enough to figure this out on my own. I can do this!!! And to trust that he can still come to me and stay, and have fun with me...please! Because I don't want him coming to me sad, or miserable. Although I love being the one he goes to, it's a great compliment, I don't want that to be the only time, when something's wrong. I don't want to be what I told him I thought I was...just here.
I will figure this out, I have to, on my own. No influences. Sure, there may be a few odd confrontations..it's expected. I have to figure this out if I want to see Jake the way I saw him before. He just can't be what my head is telling me he is...it's not possible.
All I need is a little time, and some grace afforded to me. Please.