losing you. [s/a]
title: Losing You.
rating: PG-15.
pairing: jalex.
warnings selfharm.
wordcount: 1066.
Alex almost can’t breathe right now; his throat is tight and his chest locked, and all because of Jack.
The younger boy sits across from where Alex is standing, frozen in the doorway. He’s in tears, brown eyes filled with anguish, apprehension and nerves.
Jack’s blood. Perhaps that’s what scares Alex the most. It’s everywhere; all over the carpet and the younger boy’s shirt and still seeping out from the countless open wounds on his arms.
Alex stares, runs his fingers through his hair and tries to remember how to breathe.
Jack looks away, self-conscious, as Alex’s eyes scan across him again and again, as if staring will stop the bleeding and convince him that everything’s going to be okay.
Because as far as Jack can see, it isn’t.
His vision clouds a little, partly from the tears and partly from the blood loss, and he blinks in an attempt to clear it.
Alex is kneeling in front of him when he opens his eyes, the elder’s eyes wide and fearful; hands reaching out to grip the younger’s bleeding wrists gently.
“Do you have bandages?” Alex asks, and his voice is rough with fear and worry. Jack shakes his head.
“The plan was to never come around.” Jack replies guiltily, voice tiny and weak. He practically hears Alex’s breathing stop, as his eyes blow wide in horror and his heart beats almost straight out of his chest.
He lets go of Jack’s wrists to shrug off the shirt he’s wearing open over a white tee and immediately sets about ripping it into strips. Jack looks at him like he’s gone mad, as the elder reaches out and wraps a strip of plaid fabric around Jack’s bleeding arms. He ties it carefully, repeats the motion on the other arm until he’s content that the bleeding is at least slowed a little.
“What are you doing?” Jack asks, sniffling through his tears and pulling roughly on his bangs.
“I’m not losing you. Not today.” Alex replies simply, standing and taking hold of Jack’s hand. Jack follows behind him, scared and just a little confused as Alex bundles him into the car and drives to the nearest hospital.
It takes a few minutes of desperate explaining on Alex’s part to get Jack into accident and emergency, past whiny and insistent nurses who want nothing more than to make Alex wait in the waiting rooms, but Alex is intent that that will not be happening.
He waits outside as the doctors stitch up Jack’s arms, nervous doubt and overwhelming concern washing over him more and more by the second.
But then Jack steps out of the room with real bandages on his arms instead of bits of Alex’s shredded shirt.
And Alex’s heart sort of stutters when he sees Jack’s awkward, shy, yet somehow thankful smile that sort of makes everything a little bit better.
Alex opens his mouth to speak, but Jack gets there first.
“I was scared.” He says, eyes fixed on the floor. “I was so scared, Alex.”
“What of?” Alex asks softly, resting his hands just lightly on Jack’s upper arms.
“Everything.” Jack continues quietly. “I felt like the walls were closing in, Lex. And I couldn’t... I couldn’t feel anything anymore... This was the first thing I could really feel...”
Alex stares at him, long and hard for a few seconds.
“Jack, you could’ve just called and I’d have been right over.”
“I-I know, but I didn’t want to be around anyone because I didn’t think they’d understand how I felt.” Jack replies, staring down at the floor.
Alex exhales and runs his fingers absently through his hair as he tries to think.
“I was scared too, Jack.” Alex says, and Jack gives him this questioning look.
When Alex figures out that Jack doesn’t understand, he bites at his lip a little and looks at the floor, moving his hands from Jack’s arms and awkwardly twisting their fingers together.
“I thought I was going to lose you.” Alex admits, eyes trained on the floor, not wanting to see the look on Jack’s face.
Jack frowns, tightening his grip on Alex’s fingers and looking at the top of the older boy’s head.
“Why would that scare you?”
“Because, Jack,” Alex says, eyes still fixed on the floor and nervous, “you are everything to me. You might not realize it yet, but you are. And if I lost that -if I lost you- then I don’t know what I’d do.”
Jack’s expression softens and his eyes fill with tears again. He releases one of Alex’s hands and dances his fingertips lightly across the older boy’s jaw.
Alex drags his eyes up finally and looks Jack in the eyes and his heart does that weird stuttering thing like before. Jack gives a gentle little laugh and smiles, and Alex feels his cheeks start to burn.
“I think you’d be fine without me, Alex.” Jack says quietly with this small smile that just convinces Alex that this runs deeper than he first thought.
“I don’t think I would be.” Alex says, trying to shake his head but Jack’s fingers on his cheek stop him. “No, wait, I know I wouldn’t be okay. At all.”
And Alex realizes it’s impractical and probably stupid because they’re in a vaguely busy hospital corridor, but he decides he doesn’t care and leans up to kiss Jack anyway. Just to prove to him that losing him would not, under any circumstances, be okay.
Jack kisses back for a few seconds before apparently realizing where they are and what’s actually going on.
“Alex...”
“No, Jack, let me finish,” Alex interrupts, “I realize how stupid of me it is to work this out after something like this happens, but, well, I love you.”
Jack looks at him for a few seconds, as if planning what to say next, but instead just lifts Alex’s chin lightly and kisses Alex again.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Alex asks shakily, squeezing Jack’s hands a little tighter.
“That I love you too.” Jack says simply, as if it’s the most obvious thing ever.
Alex sighs, almost in relief, and gives Jack a small smile.
“Promise me you’ll never do this again. Promise you’ll just call when you get upset.” Alex says, and Jack nods.
“Promise.”
“Good,” Alex says, kissing Jack softly, “because I never want to fear losing you again.”
rating: PG-15.
pairing: jalex.
warnings selfharm.
wordcount: 1066.
Alex almost can’t breathe right now; his throat is tight and his chest locked, and all because of Jack.
The younger boy sits across from where Alex is standing, frozen in the doorway. He’s in tears, brown eyes filled with anguish, apprehension and nerves.
Jack’s blood. Perhaps that’s what scares Alex the most. It’s everywhere; all over the carpet and the younger boy’s shirt and still seeping out from the countless open wounds on his arms.
Alex stares, runs his fingers through his hair and tries to remember how to breathe.
Jack looks away, self-conscious, as Alex’s eyes scan across him again and again, as if staring will stop the bleeding and convince him that everything’s going to be okay.
Because as far as Jack can see, it isn’t.
His vision clouds a little, partly from the tears and partly from the blood loss, and he blinks in an attempt to clear it.
Alex is kneeling in front of him when he opens his eyes, the elder’s eyes wide and fearful; hands reaching out to grip the younger’s bleeding wrists gently.
“Do you have bandages?” Alex asks, and his voice is rough with fear and worry. Jack shakes his head.
“The plan was to never come around.” Jack replies guiltily, voice tiny and weak. He practically hears Alex’s breathing stop, as his eyes blow wide in horror and his heart beats almost straight out of his chest.
He lets go of Jack’s wrists to shrug off the shirt he’s wearing open over a white tee and immediately sets about ripping it into strips. Jack looks at him like he’s gone mad, as the elder reaches out and wraps a strip of plaid fabric around Jack’s bleeding arms. He ties it carefully, repeats the motion on the other arm until he’s content that the bleeding is at least slowed a little.
“What are you doing?” Jack asks, sniffling through his tears and pulling roughly on his bangs.
“I’m not losing you. Not today.” Alex replies simply, standing and taking hold of Jack’s hand. Jack follows behind him, scared and just a little confused as Alex bundles him into the car and drives to the nearest hospital.
It takes a few minutes of desperate explaining on Alex’s part to get Jack into accident and emergency, past whiny and insistent nurses who want nothing more than to make Alex wait in the waiting rooms, but Alex is intent that that will not be happening.
He waits outside as the doctors stitch up Jack’s arms, nervous doubt and overwhelming concern washing over him more and more by the second.
But then Jack steps out of the room with real bandages on his arms instead of bits of Alex’s shredded shirt.
And Alex’s heart sort of stutters when he sees Jack’s awkward, shy, yet somehow thankful smile that sort of makes everything a little bit better.
Alex opens his mouth to speak, but Jack gets there first.
“I was scared.” He says, eyes fixed on the floor. “I was so scared, Alex.”
“What of?” Alex asks softly, resting his hands just lightly on Jack’s upper arms.
“Everything.” Jack continues quietly. “I felt like the walls were closing in, Lex. And I couldn’t... I couldn’t feel anything anymore... This was the first thing I could really feel...”
Alex stares at him, long and hard for a few seconds.
“Jack, you could’ve just called and I’d have been right over.”
“I-I know, but I didn’t want to be around anyone because I didn’t think they’d understand how I felt.” Jack replies, staring down at the floor.
Alex exhales and runs his fingers absently through his hair as he tries to think.
“I was scared too, Jack.” Alex says, and Jack gives him this questioning look.
When Alex figures out that Jack doesn’t understand, he bites at his lip a little and looks at the floor, moving his hands from Jack’s arms and awkwardly twisting their fingers together.
“I thought I was going to lose you.” Alex admits, eyes trained on the floor, not wanting to see the look on Jack’s face.
Jack frowns, tightening his grip on Alex’s fingers and looking at the top of the older boy’s head.
“Why would that scare you?”
“Because, Jack,” Alex says, eyes still fixed on the floor and nervous, “you are everything to me. You might not realize it yet, but you are. And if I lost that -if I lost you- then I don’t know what I’d do.”
Jack’s expression softens and his eyes fill with tears again. He releases one of Alex’s hands and dances his fingertips lightly across the older boy’s jaw.
Alex drags his eyes up finally and looks Jack in the eyes and his heart does that weird stuttering thing like before. Jack gives a gentle little laugh and smiles, and Alex feels his cheeks start to burn.
“I think you’d be fine without me, Alex.” Jack says quietly with this small smile that just convinces Alex that this runs deeper than he first thought.
“I don’t think I would be.” Alex says, trying to shake his head but Jack’s fingers on his cheek stop him. “No, wait, I know I wouldn’t be okay. At all.”
And Alex realizes it’s impractical and probably stupid because they’re in a vaguely busy hospital corridor, but he decides he doesn’t care and leans up to kiss Jack anyway. Just to prove to him that losing him would not, under any circumstances, be okay.
Jack kisses back for a few seconds before apparently realizing where they are and what’s actually going on.
“Alex...”
“No, Jack, let me finish,” Alex interrupts, “I realize how stupid of me it is to work this out after something like this happens, but, well, I love you.”
Jack looks at him for a few seconds, as if planning what to say next, but instead just lifts Alex’s chin lightly and kisses Alex again.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Alex asks shakily, squeezing Jack’s hands a little tighter.
“That I love you too.” Jack says simply, as if it’s the most obvious thing ever.
Alex sighs, almost in relief, and gives Jack a small smile.
“Promise me you’ll never do this again. Promise you’ll just call when you get upset.” Alex says, and Jack nods.
“Promise.”
“Good,” Alex says, kissing Jack softly, “because I never want to fear losing you again.”