from the journal of zack merrick. [oneshot]
pairing: zack merrick/rian dawson. jack barakat/alex gaskarth. jack barakat/travis clark.
pov: zack's.
words: 2387.
warnings: angst, misery, abuse, arguing, sexual themes, cussing.
cut text: mayday parade - black cat.
May 13. 10:38pm.
Jack seems happier today. It’s nice, not having him moping around the place. I think it’s because of a guy, though. I hope he treats him right. Jack deserves to be happy, after everything Travis put him through. We’re still waiting for the counselling to take effect, after that fucker left.
I really hope he’s nice. Jack deserves to be happy like Rian and I are. More than anyone else I know. I’d wager Jack actually needs this happiness, too.
Whoever this guy is, I think he could be good for Jack.
“Baby, would you please stop writing and go to sleep? I have work in the morning.” Rian says quietly. I nod and close my journal, sitting it gently on the nightstand before flicking off the light.
“Love you.” Rian mumbles, kissing the side of my head lightly and burying himself deep within the duvet.
“Love you too.” I reply quietly, playing with my hair for a few seconds before shuffling down under the covers and throwing an arm around Rian’s waist.
May 14. 9:21am.
Rian had left for work by the time I woke up this morning. Which sucks. But, I came downstairs to find out he’d spelled the words ‘I love you’ on the fridge using those silly little letter magnets Jack bought a few months back. Which is actually adorable.
I was right about Jack’s happiness being because of a guy. His name’s Alex, and Jack met him at Kyle’s birthday party. They were the only two not getting drunk out of their minds, and they hit it off. From the way Jack talks about him, I think he really likes him. I’m just praying Alex feels the same about Jack, otherwise I may just have to break his nose.
Maika’s going to kill me when I get to work, though. I can see it now -I haven’t emailed the client about the posters and flyers they want producing for some event they’re throwing. Well, technically, they’re my client and therefore my responsibility, but I’m making Maika do it since I’m his lazy ass boss.
10:55pm.
Rian came home late. By over an hour. I know that I should be used to it, and that it shouldn’t bother me, but it does. A lot. I left his dinner in the kitchen and went upstairs on the pretence of doing work, but I didn’t. I sent a few emails and then went to bed.
But then Rian came up, when he was done eating -or whatever the fuck he was doing- and came up to bed. He lay down next to me and started playing with my hair (which he knows I hate, for the record.) and asking me what was wrong.
I didn’t justify him with a reason, just told him I’d be sleeping on the couch tonight and went downstairs.
I don’t know why I did that.
May 15. 4:46pm.
Jack told me this morning that Alex is coming over. I called in sick to work anyway -Maika’s constant whining would’ve probably lead to me hitting him in the face- and my back hurts like a bitch. Note to self: next time you have a fight with Rian, throw him out of the bed instead. That way he can have a bitch of a bad back. I’ve managed to spend all day slaving over the stove though, and I kept sending Jack out for supplies every now and again just to piss him off.
Alex is going to be here soon, Jack says. I hope he’s a nice guy, but Jack has a tendency to attract absolute grade A assholes.
11:12pm.
11:11 just passed. I wished that Rian and I would stop fighting. It’s tearing us apart.
I was wrong about Alex being an asshole, though. He seems really awesome, and he really cares about Jack. And he complimented my cooking. I could get used to him being around, you know.
I’ve just cleaned up after everyone, which isn’t the nicest thing I’ve ever had to do. Rian offered to help, but I ignored him so he stomped off upstairs. Jack took Alex home.
Hello, couch. I haven’t missed you, sleeping buddy.
I’m half asleep when I hear a few gentle footsteps come down the stairs. I look up, and Rian’s hovering over me, and he just looks so upset.
“I was hoping you’d come back to bed.” He says sheepishly. I make a noise from the back of my throat and roll over so my face is buried in the pillows.
“You know I can’t sleep right when you’re not there.” He continues, and I hold back a sarcastic response.
“Zack?” He says after I don’t reply, and I swear to God he’s crying. I roll over to look at him, and holy shit, he is crying. Biting on his lip and staring at the floor, but he’s definitely crying.
I swallow hard and stand up, pulling him into a tight hug.
“I’m sorry.” I mumble against his neck, and it seems to slow his tears a little.
May 16. 8:58am.
Thank you, 11:11.
Jack’s going on a date with Alex tonight. I’ve given him access to both mine and Rian’s wardrobe. I’ll probably regret it if he takes me up on that offer, mind you. He doesn’t know where Alex is taking him yet, so I told him to dress smart casual. Not that Jack would know smart casual if it hit him in the face.
I have to face Maika and his incessant talking today -oh joy of all joys. But then, Rian has Caleb, this creepy ginger stalker guy who he works with that hangs from his every word. Uck. At least Maika isn’t clingy.
6:51pm.
Jack showed me his date outfit at least four times. Alex just picked him up and whisked him off somewhere.
I really hope things turn out.
I’m watching some shitty made-for-TV movie with Rian when the front door flies open and there’s sobbing and stomping down the hallway. I stick my head around the door and Jack’s there, fumbling with the keys to lock the door.
“What happened?” I ask quietly, leaving the room and walking the short distance to Jack.
“He… He tried to…” Jack gestures wildly at his stomach and I move closer and pull him into a hug.
“You didn’t tell him, did you?”
May 17. 1:23pm.
Rian and I both called in with the ‘dead obscure relative’ excuse today. We couldn’t leave Jack alone.
I don’t blame him for not telling Alex about Travis, though. I sure as hell wouldn’t have. Travis is basically Jack’s psychotic ex-boyfriend. Psychotic in the sense that he’d beat Jack up, and cut him up and stuff constantly. I’m pretty sure he raped him a couple times too. Jack was too scared to say anything -he was only nineteen, and Travis was twenty-five- so it went on for months. So he’s scared of sexual contact now, and I dread to think what happened with Alex.
I’d guess it was something to do with taking his shirt off, and Jack’s horribly self-conscious of all the scars and things on his stomach.
9:47pm.
Alex came over to say sorry. Jack wouldn’t talk to him.
10:12pm.
As soon as Alex left, Jack started crying again.
10:26pm.
Alex called in tears. He basically begged Jack to take him back. Jack said yes.
May 18. 8:45am.
Rian woke me up with morning head today. Nice surprise. Remind me to tell him to grow his hair a little though -it’s a pain in the ass to hold onto when it’s as short as his.
I’ve talked Jack into going back to work today, on the plus side. I said Kyle was probably annoyed at telling people about all the shitty pieces of art that he knows nothing about. Jack was always the favourite tour guide over there, anyway. And since Rian and I are still off on ‘bereavement time’ we could probably use today to fuck like rabbits.
Let’s just hope Jack doesn’t come home during his lunch break.
Rian’s just cleaning a suspicious white substance off his stomach when the front door opens. He looks up at me nervously and I kiss his forehead -it’s not like Jack’s never caught us in the act before.
Except it’s not just Jack. I hear Kyle shush him gently and then a few muffled sobs. I dress quickly and step out into the hallway.
Kyle looks up at me and smiles sadly, passing Jack over carefully.
9:34pm.
Alex broke up with him. He got back with him just to break up with him.
Fucking asshole.
I just feel so bad for him. He doesn’t deserve to be fucked around any more -least of all after everything that Travis put him through. Why does he attract such assholes? I swear he’s like a magnet for them.
I just sent him to bed and I called him in sick for work tomorrow -they won’t mind, they never do. I got Rian to make him some soup or something, and take it up to him. He’s kept it down so far -Jack has the worst habit of throwing up everything he eats when someone breaks up with him.
“Zack?” Rian asks as he wanders back into our room. I look up at him from the bed and slap my diary shut.
“Do you think Jack will be okay?” He asks, sitting down behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pressing my back to his chest.
“With any luck.” I reply quietly, turning slightly to look at Rian. He nods and kisses my cheek lightly.
May 19. 12:35pm.
Jack’s not eating. At all. Which is not a good sign. Rian managed to force a slice of toast down his throat earlier but he threw it straight back up as soon as he thought we were gone.
Alex tried to come over to talk to him, too. When I say tried, I mean he knocked on the door and Rian tackled him to the floor. As soon as I pulled Rian off him, he ran for it. Fucking pussy.
There’s a knock at the door, and I know I have to get it, because Rian’s upstairs with Jack -who’s in bed. I throw the door open and no-one’s there. I glance at the floor and there’s a bunch of roses with a letter perched on top of them. It has Jack’s name on it.
I sigh and pick it up, wandering back through the house to Jack’s room. I find him sitting up in bed with a bowl of ice cream, watching Home Alone. At least he’s eating, I guess.
“Special delivery.” I announce, throwing the items in my hands on to the bed beside him. He frowns a little and drags his eyes away from the TV. His eyebrows raise and I shrug when he looks at me.
He sets down the ice cream and picks up the letter. He glances at it for a few seconds before ripping it open. I watch as his eyes scan the words over and over, as if he’s trying to understand them. Then he starts crying. I yell for Rian and watch as Jack reaches over the side of his bed for the phone.
Rian bursts in and I immediately shush him before he manages to say anything
“Alex?” Jack asks down the phone.
11:29pm.
Alex knows Travis. ALEX KNOWS TRAVIS. I don’t think that’ll ever sink in, no matter how many times I repeat it.
That was what was in the letter. Alex saying that he knows what happened with Travis, and that, if by some off-chance Jack still wants him, that he doesn’t want to rush into things.
I think Jack might have finally found someone who understands him.
May 20. 10:15am.
I got a letter this morning. From Alex.
Zack,
I know you hate me for everything I’ve done to Jack in the past week, but I want you to know that I understand him, and what he’s like. I know you care about him -anyone can see that. But I want you to be the first to know that I’ll love him for everything he is. For all his scars, through all his hurt. I want you and Rian to be the first to know that I’ll be here, and unless he wants rid of me, I’ll be here for him forever.
Yours,
Alex.
I guess I’m cool with that. I stole Jack’s phone and called him, just to be sure he wasn’t lying.
He wasn’t. He promised me. He’s coming over soon, to see Jack.
There’s a knock on the door again, and I yell at Alex (I already know it’s him) to come in. He gives me a nod in greeting and I nod back, silently gesturing at him to go up and see Jack.
He does, and a few moments pass before I hear Jack’s surprised voice echoing downstairs. I can’t make out words, but he sounds happy.
They both come crashing downstairs a few minutes later, and Jack comes bounding over to me. He’s still just in a pair of sweats, and an old, nasty v-neck.
“Look, look, look!” He exclaims, pushing his hand out to me, “Alex got me a promise ring!”
I smile at him and Alex blushes in the background.
“Yeah? What’d he promise you?” I ask, even though I already know. Alex steps forwards and slides an arm around Jack’s waist.
“That I’d be there. No matter what.” Alex says, his face burning as he stares at the floor and grins. Jack kisses his cheek lightly.
“You’d better be. And let it be known, I’ll break your legs if you hurt him.” I remind Alex and he laughs a little, pulling Alex closer. I smile a little and leave them be, picking my journal up along the way.
Rian snags me by the arm as I’m walking through the house and presses his lips to mine.
“So I’ve been thinking, with Jack and Alex and the promise thing, that maybe we should… I don’t know… Make this permanent?” Rian says. I smile against his lips and pull away.
“Are you asking me to marry you?”
“Yeah… Yeah, I guess I am.”
pov: zack's.
words: 2387.
warnings: angst, misery, abuse, arguing, sexual themes, cussing.
cut text: mayday parade - black cat.
May 13. 10:38pm.
Jack seems happier today. It’s nice, not having him moping around the place. I think it’s because of a guy, though. I hope he treats him right. Jack deserves to be happy, after everything Travis put him through. We’re still waiting for the counselling to take effect, after that fucker left.
I really hope he’s nice. Jack deserves to be happy like Rian and I are. More than anyone else I know. I’d wager Jack actually needs this happiness, too.
Whoever this guy is, I think he could be good for Jack.
“Baby, would you please stop writing and go to sleep? I have work in the morning.” Rian says quietly. I nod and close my journal, sitting it gently on the nightstand before flicking off the light.
“Love you.” Rian mumbles, kissing the side of my head lightly and burying himself deep within the duvet.
“Love you too.” I reply quietly, playing with my hair for a few seconds before shuffling down under the covers and throwing an arm around Rian’s waist.
May 14. 9:21am.
Rian had left for work by the time I woke up this morning. Which sucks. But, I came downstairs to find out he’d spelled the words ‘I love you’ on the fridge using those silly little letter magnets Jack bought a few months back. Which is actually adorable.
I was right about Jack’s happiness being because of a guy. His name’s Alex, and Jack met him at Kyle’s birthday party. They were the only two not getting drunk out of their minds, and they hit it off. From the way Jack talks about him, I think he really likes him. I’m just praying Alex feels the same about Jack, otherwise I may just have to break his nose.
Maika’s going to kill me when I get to work, though. I can see it now -I haven’t emailed the client about the posters and flyers they want producing for some event they’re throwing. Well, technically, they’re my client and therefore my responsibility, but I’m making Maika do it since I’m his lazy ass boss.
10:55pm.
Rian came home late. By over an hour. I know that I should be used to it, and that it shouldn’t bother me, but it does. A lot. I left his dinner in the kitchen and went upstairs on the pretence of doing work, but I didn’t. I sent a few emails and then went to bed.
But then Rian came up, when he was done eating -or whatever the fuck he was doing- and came up to bed. He lay down next to me and started playing with my hair (which he knows I hate, for the record.) and asking me what was wrong.
I didn’t justify him with a reason, just told him I’d be sleeping on the couch tonight and went downstairs.
I don’t know why I did that.
May 15. 4:46pm.
Jack told me this morning that Alex is coming over. I called in sick to work anyway -Maika’s constant whining would’ve probably lead to me hitting him in the face- and my back hurts like a bitch. Note to self: next time you have a fight with Rian, throw him out of the bed instead. That way he can have a bitch of a bad back. I’ve managed to spend all day slaving over the stove though, and I kept sending Jack out for supplies every now and again just to piss him off.
Alex is going to be here soon, Jack says. I hope he’s a nice guy, but Jack has a tendency to attract absolute grade A assholes.
11:12pm.
11:11 just passed. I wished that Rian and I would stop fighting. It’s tearing us apart.
I was wrong about Alex being an asshole, though. He seems really awesome, and he really cares about Jack. And he complimented my cooking. I could get used to him being around, you know.
I’ve just cleaned up after everyone, which isn’t the nicest thing I’ve ever had to do. Rian offered to help, but I ignored him so he stomped off upstairs. Jack took Alex home.
Hello, couch. I haven’t missed you, sleeping buddy.
I’m half asleep when I hear a few gentle footsteps come down the stairs. I look up, and Rian’s hovering over me, and he just looks so upset.
“I was hoping you’d come back to bed.” He says sheepishly. I make a noise from the back of my throat and roll over so my face is buried in the pillows.
“You know I can’t sleep right when you’re not there.” He continues, and I hold back a sarcastic response.
“Zack?” He says after I don’t reply, and I swear to God he’s crying. I roll over to look at him, and holy shit, he is crying. Biting on his lip and staring at the floor, but he’s definitely crying.
I swallow hard and stand up, pulling him into a tight hug.
“I’m sorry.” I mumble against his neck, and it seems to slow his tears a little.
May 16. 8:58am.
Thank you, 11:11.
Jack’s going on a date with Alex tonight. I’ve given him access to both mine and Rian’s wardrobe. I’ll probably regret it if he takes me up on that offer, mind you. He doesn’t know where Alex is taking him yet, so I told him to dress smart casual. Not that Jack would know smart casual if it hit him in the face.
I have to face Maika and his incessant talking today -oh joy of all joys. But then, Rian has Caleb, this creepy ginger stalker guy who he works with that hangs from his every word. Uck. At least Maika isn’t clingy.
6:51pm.
Jack showed me his date outfit at least four times. Alex just picked him up and whisked him off somewhere.
I really hope things turn out.
I’m watching some shitty made-for-TV movie with Rian when the front door flies open and there’s sobbing and stomping down the hallway. I stick my head around the door and Jack’s there, fumbling with the keys to lock the door.
“What happened?” I ask quietly, leaving the room and walking the short distance to Jack.
“He… He tried to…” Jack gestures wildly at his stomach and I move closer and pull him into a hug.
“You didn’t tell him, did you?”
May 17. 1:23pm.
Rian and I both called in with the ‘dead obscure relative’ excuse today. We couldn’t leave Jack alone.
I don’t blame him for not telling Alex about Travis, though. I sure as hell wouldn’t have. Travis is basically Jack’s psychotic ex-boyfriend. Psychotic in the sense that he’d beat Jack up, and cut him up and stuff constantly. I’m pretty sure he raped him a couple times too. Jack was too scared to say anything -he was only nineteen, and Travis was twenty-five- so it went on for months. So he’s scared of sexual contact now, and I dread to think what happened with Alex.
I’d guess it was something to do with taking his shirt off, and Jack’s horribly self-conscious of all the scars and things on his stomach.
9:47pm.
Alex came over to say sorry. Jack wouldn’t talk to him.
10:12pm.
As soon as Alex left, Jack started crying again.
10:26pm.
Alex called in tears. He basically begged Jack to take him back. Jack said yes.
May 18. 8:45am.
Rian woke me up with morning head today. Nice surprise. Remind me to tell him to grow his hair a little though -it’s a pain in the ass to hold onto when it’s as short as his.
I’ve talked Jack into going back to work today, on the plus side. I said Kyle was probably annoyed at telling people about all the shitty pieces of art that he knows nothing about. Jack was always the favourite tour guide over there, anyway. And since Rian and I are still off on ‘bereavement time’ we could probably use today to fuck like rabbits.
Let’s just hope Jack doesn’t come home during his lunch break.
Rian’s just cleaning a suspicious white substance off his stomach when the front door opens. He looks up at me nervously and I kiss his forehead -it’s not like Jack’s never caught us in the act before.
Except it’s not just Jack. I hear Kyle shush him gently and then a few muffled sobs. I dress quickly and step out into the hallway.
Kyle looks up at me and smiles sadly, passing Jack over carefully.
9:34pm.
Alex broke up with him. He got back with him just to break up with him.
Fucking asshole.
I just feel so bad for him. He doesn’t deserve to be fucked around any more -least of all after everything that Travis put him through. Why does he attract such assholes? I swear he’s like a magnet for them.
I just sent him to bed and I called him in sick for work tomorrow -they won’t mind, they never do. I got Rian to make him some soup or something, and take it up to him. He’s kept it down so far -Jack has the worst habit of throwing up everything he eats when someone breaks up with him.
“Zack?” Rian asks as he wanders back into our room. I look up at him from the bed and slap my diary shut.
“Do you think Jack will be okay?” He asks, sitting down behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pressing my back to his chest.
“With any luck.” I reply quietly, turning slightly to look at Rian. He nods and kisses my cheek lightly.
May 19. 12:35pm.
Jack’s not eating. At all. Which is not a good sign. Rian managed to force a slice of toast down his throat earlier but he threw it straight back up as soon as he thought we were gone.
Alex tried to come over to talk to him, too. When I say tried, I mean he knocked on the door and Rian tackled him to the floor. As soon as I pulled Rian off him, he ran for it. Fucking pussy.
There’s a knock at the door, and I know I have to get it, because Rian’s upstairs with Jack -who’s in bed. I throw the door open and no-one’s there. I glance at the floor and there’s a bunch of roses with a letter perched on top of them. It has Jack’s name on it.
I sigh and pick it up, wandering back through the house to Jack’s room. I find him sitting up in bed with a bowl of ice cream, watching Home Alone. At least he’s eating, I guess.
“Special delivery.” I announce, throwing the items in my hands on to the bed beside him. He frowns a little and drags his eyes away from the TV. His eyebrows raise and I shrug when he looks at me.
He sets down the ice cream and picks up the letter. He glances at it for a few seconds before ripping it open. I watch as his eyes scan the words over and over, as if he’s trying to understand them. Then he starts crying. I yell for Rian and watch as Jack reaches over the side of his bed for the phone.
Rian bursts in and I immediately shush him before he manages to say anything
“Alex?” Jack asks down the phone.
11:29pm.
Alex knows Travis. ALEX KNOWS TRAVIS. I don’t think that’ll ever sink in, no matter how many times I repeat it.
That was what was in the letter. Alex saying that he knows what happened with Travis, and that, if by some off-chance Jack still wants him, that he doesn’t want to rush into things.
I think Jack might have finally found someone who understands him.
May 20. 10:15am.
I got a letter this morning. From Alex.
Zack,
I know you hate me for everything I’ve done to Jack in the past week, but I want you to know that I understand him, and what he’s like. I know you care about him -anyone can see that. But I want you to be the first to know that I’ll love him for everything he is. For all his scars, through all his hurt. I want you and Rian to be the first to know that I’ll be here, and unless he wants rid of me, I’ll be here for him forever.
Yours,
Alex.
I guess I’m cool with that. I stole Jack’s phone and called him, just to be sure he wasn’t lying.
He wasn’t. He promised me. He’s coming over soon, to see Jack.
There’s a knock on the door again, and I yell at Alex (I already know it’s him) to come in. He gives me a nod in greeting and I nod back, silently gesturing at him to go up and see Jack.
He does, and a few moments pass before I hear Jack’s surprised voice echoing downstairs. I can’t make out words, but he sounds happy.
They both come crashing downstairs a few minutes later, and Jack comes bounding over to me. He’s still just in a pair of sweats, and an old, nasty v-neck.
“Look, look, look!” He exclaims, pushing his hand out to me, “Alex got me a promise ring!”
I smile at him and Alex blushes in the background.
“Yeah? What’d he promise you?” I ask, even though I already know. Alex steps forwards and slides an arm around Jack’s waist.
“That I’d be there. No matter what.” Alex says, his face burning as he stares at the floor and grins. Jack kisses his cheek lightly.
“You’d better be. And let it be known, I’ll break your legs if you hurt him.” I remind Alex and he laughs a little, pulling Alex closer. I smile a little and leave them be, picking my journal up along the way.
Rian snags me by the arm as I’m walking through the house and presses his lips to mine.
“So I’ve been thinking, with Jack and Alex and the promise thing, that maybe we should… I don’t know… Make this permanent?” Rian says. I smile against his lips and pull away.
“Are you asking me to marry you?”
“Yeah… Yeah, I guess I am.”