Symphony of Sound [18/40]
Zack looks at her carefully, almost examining her before looking back up to her eyes, green meeting green.
He hugs his arms around his waist again, this time more for security than anything else.
Kara gives him a sad smile and pushes him back so he sits down on the bed, where she takes a seat beside him and the mattress dips slightly beneath her weight.
“So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong, or do I have to force it out of you?” She says, not entirely joking, but it makes Zack smile enough for her liking.
“It’s nothing, really Kara.” He says, forcing a smile for her benefit, but forgetting that a; she’s a girl, she can read these things so easily, and b; that she’s known him for at least two years, she’s not stupid enough to not notice when he gets upset.
“That’s complete crap, and you know it as well as I do. Tell me what’s wrong, Zee. I want to help you, if I can.”
She reaches out and rests her hand on his knee, squeezing gently and flashing him a small, friendly smile.
And that’s what makes him break.
He sniffs slightly before the floodgates open and the tears start. He tries to stop himself, he honestly does, but he can’t help it.
“It’s just… It’s just Rian, and… and Cassadee.” He sniffs, and Kara squeezes his knee again.
“They don’t realize how much it hurts, Care Bear. How much it stings to see them together and know that, no matter how much I want it, or how hard I try, that can never be me.”
“Zack…” She says softly, shifting her arm so it falls neatly over his shoulders. “You’re too good for him anyway.”
“No, I’m not.” Zack replies indignantly, shaking his head. “And even if I believed that, I wouldn’t care. He’s all I want, Kara. That, and for my mom to come back. Which is obviously never going to happen.”
Kara, deciding her best bet is to change the subject for now, takes this idea and runs with it.
“Is that her there?” She asks, glancing over at Zack’s nightstand to the photographs that sit there (they were the first thing Zack unpacked).
Zack nods, following Kara’s gaze with an almost proud smile on his lips.
“Yeah… Yeah, it is.”
“She’s very pretty.” Kara says, looking back at Zack with a small smile.
“I’m… I’m sure she’d like to hear that.”
“If you’re upset, why don’t you call her?” Kara asks, apparently forgetting about Zack’s statement from earlier. “Moms are usually great with things like this.”
“I can’t.” Zack explains hesitantly, wincing a little and looking away from the younger girl.
“Why not?” Kara asks, somewhat insensitively, but that’s the last of Zack’s worries right now.
“She’s… She’s dead, Care Bear.” Zack says, closing his eyes instinctively and biting at his soft lower lip. Kara’s hand almost immediately flies out to catch hold of his, and she squeezes gently, the reassurance that ‘I’m here’ apparently enough to keep the older boy calm.
“Oh, God, Zee. I’m so sorry for asking. I had no idea. I’m so sorry.” She says apologetically, but Zack shakes his head, because he knows by now that no amount of apologizing and condolences will bring his mother back to him.
“It’s okay.” He replies quietly. “It’s not like I really knew her, anyway.”
“But she’s your mom, Zack. She’s important no matter what. If you don’t mind me asking, what-” She starts, but Zack squeezes her hand and cuts her off.
“She died during childbirth.” Zack continues, almost bitterly. “Something… Something haemorrhaged right after I was born and they weren’t… they weren’t quick enough. So, we lost her. Before I even really knew who she was.”
Kara squeezes his hand again, as if trying to tell him that everything’s okay wordlessly.
“She only got to hold me once, I think. That’s when my dad took that photograph. I think… I think he knew something was wrong, but he realized that there wasn’t enough time to save her, so he just… let her go. I’m not… I’m not sure I could’ve done that.”
Kara gives him a sad look and feels the tears starting to well up in her own eyes.
“It’s my fault anyway.” Zack says conclusively, shoulders sagging slightly and tears starting to fall again.
“No, Zack, it’s not your fault. Not at all.” Kara says suddenly. “You weren’t even an hour old, you couldn’t have done anything even if you’d have wanted to at that age.”
Zack sniffs, understanding what she’s saying but not thoroughly believing her.
“Honestly, Zack, you should never blame yourself for something that’s not your fault, or that’s beyond your control. Your father certainly shouldn’t blame you for it.”
“He doesn’t, no, and I know that much, but I can’t help but concentrate on the fact that I know my dad didn’t want a kid in the first place. It just seems like if I hadn’t have been born then none of this would have happened.”
“Zack, your dad might not have liked the idea of being a father then, but I sure as hell know now that he’s more proud to be your father than anything else. You’re his son, Zack, and that will never change. You’re the most important thing in his world, you know it and I know it. And if he saw you getting worked up over this, thinking it’s your fault and stuff like that, then he’d do everything he could to convince you otherwise, wouldn’t he?”
Zack nods, biting at his lip again and shifting to lean against Kara’s shoulder.
“Yeah, I… I know. It’s not what he’d want to find out, but I can’t help it, Care Bear. I just feel… I just feel like I’m putting so much pressure on him because he has to provide enough to look after himself and me, and pay all the fees for this stupid school. It’s a struggle enough as it is, without all the fees. I’ve told him I’ll pull out and go to school in Anaheim somewhere, but he doesn’t listen to me, still insists that I should come here because it’s what my mom would want.”
“Zack, your dad is right. You shouldn’t leave Shakespeare because you think he can’t afford it. He’ll never make you give up something you love.”
Zack shrugs, tears still falling steadily from the corners of his eyes.
“I still, I don’t know, feel as if he’s sacrificed so much for me, and I haven’t done anything for him.”
“I’m pretty sure still having you around is enough for him.” Kara says, adding a gentle squeeze of the hand onto the end of her sentence to emphasise. “If you think about it, he could’ve lost you too when he lost your mom. But he didn’t, you’re still here and that’s probably the best thing ever to him.”
Zack sniffles, rubs his nose with the back of his left wrist (the hand that isn’t holding Kara’s) and nods slightly, understanding what she’s trying to say.
“I… I guess so. I mean, he could just tell me that I have to drop out and I’d be fine with it… I just feel as if I should, because he doesn’t deserve to have to work harder for my sake.”
“Zee,” Kara says with a soft laugh, holding his hand tighter still, “think about yourself, for once. Your dad still wants you to come here and have an awesome time and not worry about anything, so the last thing you should be doing is freaking out about stuff like this.”
Zack finally smiles, a real, full smile this time, and Kara grins back, twisting his fingers with hers.
“Stop worrying about other people and live your life, Zee. You only live once, make the most of it.”
Zack grins at her and releases her hand, pulling her in for a tight, thank you hug.
“Thanks, Care Bear. I really appreciate having you around.”
“You’re welcome, Zee. I’m glad I could help you out.”
“Do you think you could help me unpack?” Zack asks, almost shyly. “Rian was supposed to be helping out, but I don’t know where he’s gone.”
“Sure,” Kara says with a happy, proud smile, “so long as we can watch a movie after.”
“Alright, alright, fine. We can watch a movie.” Zack sighs, pretending to sound reluctant. “Which movie, though?”
“Scott Pilgrim vs. The World?”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
So that’s how they end up throwing the contents of Zack’s various bags around the room, stopping occasionally to tidy up the debris that has ended up strewn around.
It doesn’t take them long until they’re completely finished (although Kara ends up a little too close to Zack’s underwear for her liking) and they’re sitting back down on Zack’s bed with his laptop switched on and the menu screen of the DVD is loaded up.
“It’s cold up here, isn’t it? Jesus!” Kara says, shivering despite the fact that she’s in a hoodie of her own, and one of Zack’s.
“Oh, come here you. I owe you a hug, anyway.” He says, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and laughing a little. He leans forwards and presses play, and it’s not long before she’s asleep against Zack’s side.
At this point, the door creaks open and Zack curses at himself when he sees that it’s Rian.
“Uh, hey, Zack. Am I interrupting anything here?”
“No, no. It’s not even like that, don’t worry.”
“Oh, because it just looks-”
“No, it’s not, Ri. Honest.”
“Oh, okay.”
“She’s asleep anyway. Is there something you wanted me for?”
“Uh, yeah, actually. I was just wondering if you were okay. Jack and Alex told me you were pretty upset about something.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. They just worry too much.”
He hugs his arms around his waist again, this time more for security than anything else.
Kara gives him a sad smile and pushes him back so he sits down on the bed, where she takes a seat beside him and the mattress dips slightly beneath her weight.
“So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong, or do I have to force it out of you?” She says, not entirely joking, but it makes Zack smile enough for her liking.
“It’s nothing, really Kara.” He says, forcing a smile for her benefit, but forgetting that a; she’s a girl, she can read these things so easily, and b; that she’s known him for at least two years, she’s not stupid enough to not notice when he gets upset.
“That’s complete crap, and you know it as well as I do. Tell me what’s wrong, Zee. I want to help you, if I can.”
She reaches out and rests her hand on his knee, squeezing gently and flashing him a small, friendly smile.
And that’s what makes him break.
He sniffs slightly before the floodgates open and the tears start. He tries to stop himself, he honestly does, but he can’t help it.
“It’s just… It’s just Rian, and… and Cassadee.” He sniffs, and Kara squeezes his knee again.
“They don’t realize how much it hurts, Care Bear. How much it stings to see them together and know that, no matter how much I want it, or how hard I try, that can never be me.”
“Zack…” She says softly, shifting her arm so it falls neatly over his shoulders. “You’re too good for him anyway.”
“No, I’m not.” Zack replies indignantly, shaking his head. “And even if I believed that, I wouldn’t care. He’s all I want, Kara. That, and for my mom to come back. Which is obviously never going to happen.”
Kara, deciding her best bet is to change the subject for now, takes this idea and runs with it.
“Is that her there?” She asks, glancing over at Zack’s nightstand to the photographs that sit there (they were the first thing Zack unpacked).
Zack nods, following Kara’s gaze with an almost proud smile on his lips.
“Yeah… Yeah, it is.”
“She’s very pretty.” Kara says, looking back at Zack with a small smile.
“I’m… I’m sure she’d like to hear that.”
“If you’re upset, why don’t you call her?” Kara asks, apparently forgetting about Zack’s statement from earlier. “Moms are usually great with things like this.”
“I can’t.” Zack explains hesitantly, wincing a little and looking away from the younger girl.
“Why not?” Kara asks, somewhat insensitively, but that’s the last of Zack’s worries right now.
“She’s… She’s dead, Care Bear.” Zack says, closing his eyes instinctively and biting at his soft lower lip. Kara’s hand almost immediately flies out to catch hold of his, and she squeezes gently, the reassurance that ‘I’m here’ apparently enough to keep the older boy calm.
“Oh, God, Zee. I’m so sorry for asking. I had no idea. I’m so sorry.” She says apologetically, but Zack shakes his head, because he knows by now that no amount of apologizing and condolences will bring his mother back to him.
“It’s okay.” He replies quietly. “It’s not like I really knew her, anyway.”
“But she’s your mom, Zack. She’s important no matter what. If you don’t mind me asking, what-” She starts, but Zack squeezes her hand and cuts her off.
“She died during childbirth.” Zack continues, almost bitterly. “Something… Something haemorrhaged right after I was born and they weren’t… they weren’t quick enough. So, we lost her. Before I even really knew who she was.”
Kara squeezes his hand again, as if trying to tell him that everything’s okay wordlessly.
“She only got to hold me once, I think. That’s when my dad took that photograph. I think… I think he knew something was wrong, but he realized that there wasn’t enough time to save her, so he just… let her go. I’m not… I’m not sure I could’ve done that.”
Kara gives him a sad look and feels the tears starting to well up in her own eyes.
“It’s my fault anyway.” Zack says conclusively, shoulders sagging slightly and tears starting to fall again.
“No, Zack, it’s not your fault. Not at all.” Kara says suddenly. “You weren’t even an hour old, you couldn’t have done anything even if you’d have wanted to at that age.”
Zack sniffs, understanding what she’s saying but not thoroughly believing her.
“Honestly, Zack, you should never blame yourself for something that’s not your fault, or that’s beyond your control. Your father certainly shouldn’t blame you for it.”
“He doesn’t, no, and I know that much, but I can’t help but concentrate on the fact that I know my dad didn’t want a kid in the first place. It just seems like if I hadn’t have been born then none of this would have happened.”
“Zack, your dad might not have liked the idea of being a father then, but I sure as hell know now that he’s more proud to be your father than anything else. You’re his son, Zack, and that will never change. You’re the most important thing in his world, you know it and I know it. And if he saw you getting worked up over this, thinking it’s your fault and stuff like that, then he’d do everything he could to convince you otherwise, wouldn’t he?”
Zack nods, biting at his lip again and shifting to lean against Kara’s shoulder.
“Yeah, I… I know. It’s not what he’d want to find out, but I can’t help it, Care Bear. I just feel… I just feel like I’m putting so much pressure on him because he has to provide enough to look after himself and me, and pay all the fees for this stupid school. It’s a struggle enough as it is, without all the fees. I’ve told him I’ll pull out and go to school in Anaheim somewhere, but he doesn’t listen to me, still insists that I should come here because it’s what my mom would want.”
“Zack, your dad is right. You shouldn’t leave Shakespeare because you think he can’t afford it. He’ll never make you give up something you love.”
Zack shrugs, tears still falling steadily from the corners of his eyes.
“I still, I don’t know, feel as if he’s sacrificed so much for me, and I haven’t done anything for him.”
“I’m pretty sure still having you around is enough for him.” Kara says, adding a gentle squeeze of the hand onto the end of her sentence to emphasise. “If you think about it, he could’ve lost you too when he lost your mom. But he didn’t, you’re still here and that’s probably the best thing ever to him.”
Zack sniffles, rubs his nose with the back of his left wrist (the hand that isn’t holding Kara’s) and nods slightly, understanding what she’s trying to say.
“I… I guess so. I mean, he could just tell me that I have to drop out and I’d be fine with it… I just feel as if I should, because he doesn’t deserve to have to work harder for my sake.”
“Zee,” Kara says with a soft laugh, holding his hand tighter still, “think about yourself, for once. Your dad still wants you to come here and have an awesome time and not worry about anything, so the last thing you should be doing is freaking out about stuff like this.”
Zack finally smiles, a real, full smile this time, and Kara grins back, twisting his fingers with hers.
“Stop worrying about other people and live your life, Zee. You only live once, make the most of it.”
Zack grins at her and releases her hand, pulling her in for a tight, thank you hug.
“Thanks, Care Bear. I really appreciate having you around.”
“You’re welcome, Zee. I’m glad I could help you out.”
“Do you think you could help me unpack?” Zack asks, almost shyly. “Rian was supposed to be helping out, but I don’t know where he’s gone.”
“Sure,” Kara says with a happy, proud smile, “so long as we can watch a movie after.”
“Alright, alright, fine. We can watch a movie.” Zack sighs, pretending to sound reluctant. “Which movie, though?”
“Scott Pilgrim vs. The World?”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
So that’s how they end up throwing the contents of Zack’s various bags around the room, stopping occasionally to tidy up the debris that has ended up strewn around.
It doesn’t take them long until they’re completely finished (although Kara ends up a little too close to Zack’s underwear for her liking) and they’re sitting back down on Zack’s bed with his laptop switched on and the menu screen of the DVD is loaded up.
“It’s cold up here, isn’t it? Jesus!” Kara says, shivering despite the fact that she’s in a hoodie of her own, and one of Zack’s.
“Oh, come here you. I owe you a hug, anyway.” He says, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and laughing a little. He leans forwards and presses play, and it’s not long before she’s asleep against Zack’s side.
At this point, the door creaks open and Zack curses at himself when he sees that it’s Rian.
“Uh, hey, Zack. Am I interrupting anything here?”
“No, no. It’s not even like that, don’t worry.”
“Oh, because it just looks-”
“No, it’s not, Ri. Honest.”
“Oh, okay.”
“She’s asleep anyway. Is there something you wanted me for?”
“Uh, yeah, actually. I was just wondering if you were okay. Jack and Alex told me you were pretty upset about something.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. They just worry too much.”