Being played the fool...again
Yo I can't sleep. Thinking about it over and over again, bothers the shit out of me. He makes me so upset sometimes, and when I say upset I'm not talking mad, I'm talking sad. You say you wanna hang out with me, you miss us hanging out like we did, why is it me the one making the effort? Why is it always me? I can't keep doing this to myself. I've honestly never cared for someone so much, and I feel like I've been kicked in the face. I feel horrible. I feel empty. I hang around my house hoping you'll get online so I get a chance to talk to you, I go out and make sure my phone's online because I want to talk to you. I saw lets hang out I do nothing all week, you pick a day, or call me. You say you'll call me, and you never do. I know you don't read this, but I need to get some things out. I'm sorry for caring so much, I'm sorry if you don't feel the same anymore, but I do. And until you realize how much you mean as a friend, and I'd like to think more than a friend, I don't know. It makes me sad to think that I'm just a friend. I'm here for you, and always will be, but when someone takes advantage or screws you over, I don't want you to just think that 'oh amanda likes me, i'll goto her'. I feel so indescribable right now. Yes, I get jealous, seeing you with other girls bothers me because I know I'm better than them. I know that for a fact, I am and I have no problem saying that. I'm not your typical girl, I don't take things for granted. And I feel that you're taking me for granted. My emotions, my morals, my whole being. I go on myspace and I see a picture of you and her and I cried. I cried because she see's nothing wrong with it. But me, I see a ton wrong. She's fake, she goes from group to group because she can't find herself. She's been searching ever since high school and hasn't found who she is yet. Now I'm not saying I'm perfect and I know who I am, but atleast I have a clue. I've been this way for the past 5 years. I'm not going to change and if I do it's definitely for the better. It's not to impress anyone else, its not to please anyone, I do it for myself. And the fact that she's a follower...bothers me that you would hang out with someone like that. This probably sounds like a bunch of randomness but I can't put all my thoughts in order. Seeing you with her, upsetting. But knowing that you weren't looking at the camera, makes it some what better, because I bet she doesn't know that you hate looking into a camera because it creeps you out. In my opinion, and as a photographer, the eyes are the key to a persons soul. And by just showing you're eyes, it's going to deep for you, one of your insecurities? I guess you could say, we all have them. But when you find that certain person you'll have no trouble looking into the lense of a camera with them. I'm fighting back tears just thinking about it. Seeing you with her tonight while I was in the car, I was in shock, I didn't know what to say. I know you know how I felt. You looked me in the eyes and I know you knew. I'd love to talk to you right now, just so I could say what I really have to say. To put everything out on the line and let you decide what to do...It's getting to the point for me where, I need to know where we stand, or atleast where I stand...I can't do this to myself anymore. I'm sick of coming home and crying over you, and over my jealousy. I'm sick of being vulerable when it comes to you...to think that I care a lot about you, and you I don't know what you care? It scares me to know, that I'd be willing to do anything for you, and I mean anything, but would you do anything for me...I'm not too sure