Why do things go from great to bad in a matter of days????
an I make you understand when you wont listen when I explain?
That's the only reason I turn to a blade is 2 help release the pain
I know its weird and I could do it another way
But 2 me this way gets me through today
I'm not a freak I'm just alone
Waiting 4 you 2 understand my tone
Its not that I don't love you
Its not that I don't care
Its just that I'm in a lot of pain that 2 me just aint fair
Its not that I cant smile its not like I don't laugh
Its just that inside I have this aching pain that for ever seems you last.
You complain when I draw pictures of me
Of the way things should be
With me 6 feet under
And for you to live without me.
Why I would do that kinda thing to you
But maybe if you understood id stop harmin myself.
-----------------------------------------
How do I,
Get through the night without you?
If I had to live without you,
What kind of life would that be?
Oh, I
I need you in my arms, need you to hold,
You're my world, my heart, my soul,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything good in my life,
And tell me now
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?
Without you,
There'd be no sun in my sky,
There would be no love in my life,
There'd be no world left for me.
And I,
Baby I don't know what I would do,
I'd be lost if I lost you,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything real in my life,
And tell me now,
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?
Please tell me baby,
How do I go on?
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything,
I need you with me,
Baby don't you know that you're everything,
Real in my life?
And tell me now,
How do I live without you,
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?
How do I live without you?
How do I live without you baby?
-----------------------------------------
Thats just whats going through my head at this point... I'm hurt and confused. Don't know what to do.
----------------------------------------
Some may wonder, and some already know. These past 5 days have been nothing but hell. On Thursday night, I told Chris, that I would be going back home. To the point where he told me if I didn't live with him, then there would be no us. Well over the past couple of weeks. theres been shit going on.. He thought I gave Hope a black eye. When I would never spank I kid for being bad, but yet id leave bruises on them. YEAH RIGHT. I absoulty adore kids. Espically a baby.. I live at home with a 8 month old baby girl, and the thought of hitting her never came to my mind,.One thing that has come to my mind, since the day we met, is that he has 2 kids both from different mothers, and hes been married 2 times when hes only 24. that makes me wonder, if hes bein serious, or if he just keeps a girl around to watch the kids, and to have sex with. Now his 3 yearold boy don't live with him, he gets him every other weekend, and on Wednesdays. Hes got ful custody of Hope. As her mother left when she was just a baby. I feel bad for Hope, because how in the world can I girl carry a baby for 9 months, then just decides to get up and leave?? I would never even think about that. When I went to get most of my shit, he said to me "well I guess your really moving out, and now what is hope going to do without a mother figure." I told him I'l still be there for hope, but that i wasnt ready to be a full time mom. and he said he understood that. We've only been together for 2 1/2 months. and were at the point in the realtionship that it seems we've been together for 8-9 months. Over the past few days, we havn't really talked.. maybe a Hi, how are you thing, but thats it... and it hurts to even talk to him... because I wish things would get fixed, and that we could put this behind us. and I know that it probably wont. and thats what hurts the most. i love and care for him, in every way possible. now his anger worries me a bit.. but i know that if he wanted to hit me, he already would have.
I don't know what to do.................... i wish i had magic and turn back time.
Well the other night he had asked me to come over so we could talk. So I did.. And he bearly said 2 words to me. He told me that He'd give me time, and space to figure out what I wanted. And I told him I knew what I wanted... and he was like well then I need time myself to decide where this should go. Well we were sitting there, and on the radio came "How do I live". I started to cry, and I wouldn't even look at him, (wasn't the first time i started to cry) but I feel if you cry in front of someone it shows your weaknesses. and I told him I had to leave. So I did. and I texted him saying sorry I left the way I left, but I started to cry, and i feel crying in front of someone shows your weakness. and he text back saying it was ok, and that your weaknesses and your strengths are what makes a person up "
-------------------------------------
GED. Is going ok.. Haven't really been there...
------------------------------------
Probation sucks ass. the last time I went there. she told me I wasn't allowed to move out of my parents house. and that I'd better be there everynight and everyday. and that I wasn't aloowed to be with friends because she thinks that Ill get high or get drunk, neither in which i will do. she keeps bringing up the cutting shit.. and for a while, i was able to say that I hadn't cut... but in the last 5 days. ive done 3 earser burns on each leg, and i cut over 200 times on my one arm.
-----------------------------------
I don't know how safe I am tonight.. as i just hid razor blades in the bathroom, cause i want to cut.. and ive been thinking of a eascape way out. and the one thought i had, wont work cause my parents done hid all the medicine thats in the house.... idk how else to get feelings out. I feel like everyone I talk to, all they say is, fuck chris. hes not good for you. you deserve better.. but what most people dont understand is that i still love and care for him alot. and i still have strong feelings for him, that will be here for a while.. it sucks i hate it. how come, nothing good can ever go on for a while in my life?? I never thought we would be at this point already....
--------------------------------
grr fuck it.
im out.
ERI
That's the only reason I turn to a blade is 2 help release the pain
I know its weird and I could do it another way
But 2 me this way gets me through today
I'm not a freak I'm just alone
Waiting 4 you 2 understand my tone
Its not that I don't love you
Its not that I don't care
Its just that I'm in a lot of pain that 2 me just aint fair
Its not that I cant smile its not like I don't laugh
Its just that inside I have this aching pain that for ever seems you last.
You complain when I draw pictures of me
Of the way things should be
With me 6 feet under
And for you to live without me.
Why I would do that kinda thing to you
But maybe if you understood id stop harmin myself.
-----------------------------------------
How do I,
Get through the night without you?
If I had to live without you,
What kind of life would that be?
Oh, I
I need you in my arms, need you to hold,
You're my world, my heart, my soul,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything good in my life,
And tell me now
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?
Without you,
There'd be no sun in my sky,
There would be no love in my life,
There'd be no world left for me.
And I,
Baby I don't know what I would do,
I'd be lost if I lost you,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything real in my life,
And tell me now,
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?
Please tell me baby,
How do I go on?
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything,
I need you with me,
Baby don't you know that you're everything,
Real in my life?
And tell me now,
How do I live without you,
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?
How do I live without you?
How do I live without you baby?
-----------------------------------------
Thats just whats going through my head at this point... I'm hurt and confused. Don't know what to do.
----------------------------------------
Some may wonder, and some already know. These past 5 days have been nothing but hell. On Thursday night, I told Chris, that I would be going back home. To the point where he told me if I didn't live with him, then there would be no us. Well over the past couple of weeks. theres been shit going on.. He thought I gave Hope a black eye. When I would never spank I kid for being bad, but yet id leave bruises on them. YEAH RIGHT. I absoulty adore kids. Espically a baby.. I live at home with a 8 month old baby girl, and the thought of hitting her never came to my mind,.One thing that has come to my mind, since the day we met, is that he has 2 kids both from different mothers, and hes been married 2 times when hes only 24. that makes me wonder, if hes bein serious, or if he just keeps a girl around to watch the kids, and to have sex with. Now his 3 yearold boy don't live with him, he gets him every other weekend, and on Wednesdays. Hes got ful custody of Hope. As her mother left when she was just a baby. I feel bad for Hope, because how in the world can I girl carry a baby for 9 months, then just decides to get up and leave?? I would never even think about that. When I went to get most of my shit, he said to me "well I guess your really moving out, and now what is hope going to do without a mother figure." I told him I'l still be there for hope, but that i wasnt ready to be a full time mom. and he said he understood that. We've only been together for 2 1/2 months. and were at the point in the realtionship that it seems we've been together for 8-9 months. Over the past few days, we havn't really talked.. maybe a Hi, how are you thing, but thats it... and it hurts to even talk to him... because I wish things would get fixed, and that we could put this behind us. and I know that it probably wont. and thats what hurts the most. i love and care for him, in every way possible. now his anger worries me a bit.. but i know that if he wanted to hit me, he already would have.
I don't know what to do.................... i wish i had magic and turn back time.
Well the other night he had asked me to come over so we could talk. So I did.. And he bearly said 2 words to me. He told me that He'd give me time, and space to figure out what I wanted. And I told him I knew what I wanted... and he was like well then I need time myself to decide where this should go. Well we were sitting there, and on the radio came "How do I live". I started to cry, and I wouldn't even look at him, (wasn't the first time i started to cry) but I feel if you cry in front of someone it shows your weaknesses. and I told him I had to leave. So I did. and I texted him saying sorry I left the way I left, but I started to cry, and i feel crying in front of someone shows your weakness. and he text back saying it was ok, and that your weaknesses and your strengths are what makes a person up "
-------------------------------------
GED. Is going ok.. Haven't really been there...
------------------------------------
Probation sucks ass. the last time I went there. she told me I wasn't allowed to move out of my parents house. and that I'd better be there everynight and everyday. and that I wasn't aloowed to be with friends because she thinks that Ill get high or get drunk, neither in which i will do. she keeps bringing up the cutting shit.. and for a while, i was able to say that I hadn't cut... but in the last 5 days. ive done 3 earser burns on each leg, and i cut over 200 times on my one arm.
-----------------------------------
I don't know how safe I am tonight.. as i just hid razor blades in the bathroom, cause i want to cut.. and ive been thinking of a eascape way out. and the one thought i had, wont work cause my parents done hid all the medicine thats in the house.... idk how else to get feelings out. I feel like everyone I talk to, all they say is, fuck chris. hes not good for you. you deserve better.. but what most people dont understand is that i still love and care for him alot. and i still have strong feelings for him, that will be here for a while.. it sucks i hate it. how come, nothing good can ever go on for a while in my life?? I never thought we would be at this point already....
--------------------------------
grr fuck it.
im out.
ERI