(no subject)
I really don't know what is going on with me, mood-wise. I have been very emotionally unstable and very anxious about everything lately. I would looooove to just write it off and blame it on hormones, but I honestly don't know if that's the whole story. There are a few things in my life that I am stressed and unhappy about, and I find it very hard to admit to being unhappy even a little because I am afraid that I'm backsliding into my depression/self harm/terrible eating habits/low self esteem cycle. (not that my self esteem isn't always low, but it's been a little better the past few months).
And actually i guess there are only two things that have me unhappy. They're even related.
Money/my job.
So I guess finding a new job is the magic cure. But somehow I am thinking that the general "having more money" isn't really going to make me happy. Just like my life wouldn't automatically be one to envy if I woke up thin one day. After coming from constant money issues and breakdowns and deciding which bills were more important, I feel like I am on thin ice no matter what I do with my money. I feel like I am on this line of living happily and getting evicted and having to live on the street.
you know what?
That is completely fucking irrational
Even if I personally don't have a shred of a safety net in that situation, Aaron does. Some of that comfort should theoretically transfer, you know? Except it doesn't, or it hasn't yet, and when he says "don't worry" it makes me worry more because that's what my parents said when (insert a multitude of money-related bad events that i shouldn't discuss in a public forum because my parents will be embarrassed if they ever read this)
Things weren't better when I worked at steak n shake, and they're not better now.
In the long run I guess I am going to have to accept that i am really, really fucked up about money, just like I am really, really fucked up about my body, and have really, really fucked up anxiety problems. I need to find workarounds I guess.
And actually i guess there are only two things that have me unhappy. They're even related.
Money/my job.
So I guess finding a new job is the magic cure. But somehow I am thinking that the general "having more money" isn't really going to make me happy. Just like my life wouldn't automatically be one to envy if I woke up thin one day. After coming from constant money issues and breakdowns and deciding which bills were more important, I feel like I am on thin ice no matter what I do with my money. I feel like I am on this line of living happily and getting evicted and having to live on the street.
you know what?
That is completely fucking irrational
Even if I personally don't have a shred of a safety net in that situation, Aaron does. Some of that comfort should theoretically transfer, you know? Except it doesn't, or it hasn't yet, and when he says "don't worry" it makes me worry more because that's what my parents said when (insert a multitude of money-related bad events that i shouldn't discuss in a public forum because my parents will be embarrassed if they ever read this)
Things weren't better when I worked at steak n shake, and they're not better now.
In the long run I guess I am going to have to accept that i am really, really fucked up about money, just like I am really, really fucked up about my body, and have really, really fucked up anxiety problems. I need to find workarounds I guess.