(no subject)
I have to go to work in a half hour and I feel like complete shit. I keep thinking about Maleni and every song reminds me of her, and it makes me so fucking upset. I visited the pole today, and it seems like every time I walk away from that damn pole, I want to cry so much and not leave, because that was the last place my beautiful angel was alive.. and I know she's still there, and I want to stay there with her. Looking at pictures and watching videos definently helps, because I get to see her smiling face and know there's hope because I'll get to see that beautiful smiling face again one day, and be with her forever.. but I don't know how long I can wait. I want to be with her every single second and I can't take much more. The closest thing I have to her is all the way in virginia, so I can't exactly hug my big shister and pretend everythings okay. Everyone gets me in some way, but not the way Steph does.. it's different. I want my Maleni back so bad. I can't stop crying now because all I can think about is her. Theres so many days I want to just break down and cry but I don't because I know that's not what she'd want but I can only hold it in for so long. I need to hug her and feel her kisses on my cheek when I'm upset and hear her tell me "Channy, I love you.. nao sad" She always put a smile on my face, always brightened my days, when I had no one else, she was ALWAYS there. We went through everything together and with her, I never felt alone or abandoned. I miss her so much. I know she's with me in spirit but its not the same, its not like talking to her everyday having her tell me every night before bed that she loves me and we'll be best friends forever. I don't get to hear her cute voice or goofy laugh. I'm completely lost without her. Theres so many things going on in my life right now that only she would understand. I lost a huge part of me and I'd do anything to get it back. I really do wish it was me instead of her, because she deserves to be here much more than me. I know she'd be able to get through this better than I could, because she always had so much more hope and faith. God took the most important person in my life away from me. I can't even sleep at night because I know in the morning I'm just going to wake up to a half empty heart, and a day without her. It still seems unreal. I don't believe it sometimes. There's days I just want to sit at her grave by myself and just talk to her about everything, but I know I won't get a response. I wish I was in that car with her. I wish I could of been with her. I know that sounds horrible but I don't want to be in this fucking world without her. I need her to get by. I want my Maleni. I want to call her and hear she's okay and she'll be over in 15 minutes to cheer me up. I remember the night she snuck out at 10:30 when she first got her lisence just to show me that whenever I needed her, she'd be there. I was a mess, and there she was, right by my side hugging me and telling me everything would be alright and I don't have her to do that anymore. I want that back. I want this feeling of emptiness to go away, and my best friend back. They say time will heal it, but as time goes by it only gets worst, and pretty soon.. I'm going to seriously crash and burn.